To expect my adult daughter to tell me she's away for the weekend

[mom16761]

My daughter (26 and living at home)went to work yesterday morning as usual after telling me she was going on a date straight from work. She apparently took a suitcase with her (her brother saw it). Anyway she didn't come home last night and I've just messaged her to ask if she'll be home tonight. No was the answer.
I just think it was rude not to say she'd be away for the weekend. She doesn't agree!
Is it rude or aibu?

There's many who nobody cares what they are doing or if they are safe and well. For those of us lucky enough to have someone care about our wellbeing we should always respect those people by letting them know if we will not be home when expected. One day nobody might care enough to bother if you treat people like this.

It takes 30 seconds to send a text and anybody who can not be bothered is either trying to exercise a power play by knowing the other will worry or is selfish beyond most people's comprehension.

That fact you think you might be unreasonable to ask for this basic respect and courtousy from your daughter is worrying in itself.

People who live together need to share variations in routine so that people don’t worry. It’s just common courtesy. She should let you know she isn’t coming home just like you should let her know if you are staying out later than normal.

I calmly replied a rough idea gives the police a good place to start.

My mum said something similar to my siblings and I. She didnt care what we were doing or who we were with she just wanted to know a rough idea of when to expect us home and vaguely where we were. That way, if we didnt arrive home when we said we would be back and we had not contacted them in some way to update our ETA, they knew where to start looking for us.

On one memorable occasion when my brother was 14 he had told our parents he was going to the local park with some friends to play football and would be back by 6 for dinner. This was in the early 2000s when phones were just becoming common and my siblings and I had one that was only used when we went out alone. By 6.30 he still wasn't home and he hadn't taken our phone so because my dad knew where my brother was supposed to be he started to walk over to the park.

As he arrived, he saw an ambulance in the car park and a huddle of people in the middle of the grass, and by the time he had reached the group he realised it was my brother being strapped onto a stretcher.

Turns out that after the game most of the boys had gone home but my brother and his best friend had stayed in the park, were messing about climbing the football goalposts and he had fallen and dislocated his knee in a freak accident. Fortunately there was a couple walking their dog who heard my brother's scream, ran over to help and had a phone so immediately called an ambulance but his best friend was so upset and in shock that he couldn't tell the couple anything more than my brother's name and how old he was.

Without the basic information of him being at the park and due home at 6pm, my dad would not have known when my brother was "late" or where to look for him and we may not have known what had happened to my brother for a lot longer and my parents would have been much more worried than they were when, while they knew he was seriously hurt, was at least safe and my dad was with him.

My 20yo is still living at home. I do not demand to know where he is or who he is with, but I do want to know if he'll be coming home late or not at all. I sleep in this house: when I wake up at 3 in the morning I need to know whether the rummaging sounds coming from the kitchen are something I should investigate or just something to make me turn over on the other side and murmur "aw, bless him, I hope he had a nice time". I'm as laid-back as the next person but needing to knowing if you should feel safe in your sleeping place is a perfectly normal and reasonable desire.

And yes, the fire scenario. When ds was a teen he often slept in very late at weekends. When his dad and I went out, I used to hammer on his door and shout "we're going now, don't get yourself killed trying to rescue us when the fire starts, we're not there".

No matter what age, if you share a home, it is common courtesy to let the others in the home know you’ll be away.

Be that flat share or family. Rude not to as well, how would anyone know if something happened to them?

This goes beyond rude.

If my DD, adult or not, told me she was going on a date (without me seeing the suitcase) and didn't come home for days, then I would be on to the police.

If she were living with housemates, I would hope that they would also have an eye out for each other and, yes, that would require a bit of communication.

Rude. Common courtesy if you live with people to let them know if you are going away.

The "I'm an adult I don't have to tell anyone my plans" argument seems so childish to me.

Afraid my answer to the "I'm an adult"-line would be "Time you started behaving like one, then".

unmarkedbythat

You don’t need to tell anyone your plans, just saying you’ll be out all night is decent courtesy.

Exactly, and the adult approach to take.

It's not even that she has to tell her plans in advance. A text on the day, when she decides she won't be home that night is fine, just so no one is worrying.

@MellySandra

I see your point but she’s 26. If you weren’t going to be cooking for her etc what difference does it make?

Er, so that you know she is safe and not been involved in an accident etc. I can't believe some of the responses on here - like you don't need to worry about her or her safety once she turns 18. Fuck that - out of simple curtesy she should have told you she was going away/wouldn't be home this weekend.