To expect my adult daughter to tell me she's away for the weekend

[mom16761]

My daughter (26 and living at home)went to work yesterday morning as usual after telling me she was going on a date straight from work. She apparently took a suitcase with her (her brother saw it). Anyway she didn't come home last night and I've just messaged her to ask if she'll be home tonight. No was the answer.
I just think it was rude not to say she'd be away for the weekend. She doesn't agree!
Is it rude or aibu?

Saying she was going out for dinner when she actually was going away for the weekend is not just forgetting to tell you is it? That's misleading and dishonest.

I wonder why she misled you? I mean, she's closer to 30 than she is 20 as well. Sneaking out and not telling her mum, whose house she lives in, where she's really gone, is really immature.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Young woman goes on a date, and then isn't contactable, family member mentions a suitcase.

I'd worry about her personally.

Rude and inconsiderate as she is living in your house. I hope you take money for her keep ...

Very rude.

She is an adult and doesn't have to tell you where she's going obviously. But... it is just politeness and common courtesy to tell the people who cook for you that you will be away for the weekend.

So YANBU.

Mine at 22 and 25. We have a family evening meal. They let me know if they won't be home for dinner - sometimes a last minute text. They lnow to let us know in advance if they are out for the night so we can lock up and put the alarm on, etc. It's basic communication and good manners.

Of course it's rude

Even when you share a flat or house, it's common curtesy to warn the others you are off for a few days or even a night. No need to go through your life story, but that's just very basic manners.

You are not a hotel, it doesn't matter how old she is, it's not acceptable.

Very surprised that people don't think this is unreasonable. It is common courtesy to tell people that you live with if you're planning to go away. This is vv rude behaviour from your daughter.

I would love to know WHO is voting YABU?! Sulky teens?

I wouldn't say rude, but if you want her to tell you next time you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask her to in future.

I moved back in with my mum when I was 28 after leaving an abusive relationship. Mum would always ask me to text if I was going to be staying out or would be back late as she couldn't sleep properly otherwise, she wasnt keeping tabs, and didn't tell me what to do, but she just worried that's all!

Def not unreasonable- housemates let each other know out of courtesy and so they know each other haven’t come a cropper!

Of course she may not have known she was going to be away for the weekend, the case may just have been her being hopeful. But sending you a text when she knew which way the wind was blowing (I'm assuming she's met up with a bloke) just to let you know she was safe and staying away voluntarily, would be good manners.

i lived at home till i was 23 i always said if i wasnt going to be home that night

It is rude.

As an adult, when I lived with others, if I decided I wasn't going home, I would Ring / text and say I wasn't coming back.

Mostly, so they wouldn't worry if they didn't hear me come in / empty bed in the morning

YANBU but it sounds like you haven't set out the ground rules and expectations here. No need to fall out over it, but maybe worth a chat over a cuppa when she's back to avoid future misunderstandings.
Sounds like her expectations aren't aligned to yours and she maybe doesn't feel a need to tell you her whereabouts but as others have pointed out she'd tell her flatmates if she lived with friends. It's courtesy so others don't worry and, on a more serious note, it's important for safety purposes too

I went on a first date and ended up spending 3 days with him.....

Wasn't planned, but text the people I lived with to tell them I wasn't gonna be back each night

My db is 33 and still lives at home. He always tells my parents if he’s going to be late or away for the night. At the very least he’ll text them so they see it in the morning. It’s just so they don’t worry, they dont keep tabs on him or dictate what he can or can’t do.

She's living here because she can't hold a job down and pisses all her money up the wall

That tells you all you need to know

It’s not just courteous but safe. Why wouldn’t she say where she was going and for how long.

I would be pretty pissed pff.

I think that, even for independent adults living under the same roof, it's reasonable to communicate about when you're not going to be home for the night. A quick text is not too much to ask. Obviously OP should also let her kids know if she's away. I'd expect flatmates to do the same as well.

Completely agree that she should have told you she wouldn't be home.

I wonder if the fact that she went off secretly is a symptom of a difficult relationship? How would you have reacted if she had told you in advance she was going away? If you would have made a fuss I can see why she might have acted this way.

I would have expected her to say, simply so that you know that she is safe and didnt worry or at least mention that she may not be back and not to worry.

If she wanted to live in my house, though she can have alot of privacy, she would need to let me know if she wasnt going to be there. If she doesnt like that she can find and pay for her own place to be fair

She sounds like she just swans about that must drive you up the wall she lives with you it's only decent to tell you if she is going to be coming home or not what if you had reported her missing or something.

Its general courtesy. If she can't give you that then she can think about moving out.