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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my adult daughter to tell me she's away for the weekend

163 replies

mom16761 · 29/08/2020 19:13

My daughter (26 and living at home)went to work yesterday morning as usual after telling me she was going on a date straight from work. She apparently took a suitcase with her (her brother saw it). Anyway she didn't come home last night and I've just messaged her to ask if she'll be home tonight. No was the answer.
I just think it was rude not to say she'd be away for the weekend. She doesn't agree!
Is it rude or aibu?

OP posts:
ItsIslandTime · 29/08/2020 21:03

It’s more than rude it’s actually hostile. I assume there is more going on. However, COVID 19 has been a bit of a head fuck for some young people who want to be independent but can’t be for one reason or another.

SantaClaritaDiet · 29/08/2020 21:03

She’s 26. She’s a year younger than me and I’ve got a 9 month old, a professional job, and a mortgage. There’s no way I’d be telling my mum my comings and goings .... I’m a grown up.

that is absolutely irrelevant.

If you live in your own place, you are independent. If you live with other people, it's common courtesy to inform them if you are planning to be away.

The complete lack of respect towards her mum is unacceptable, it's behaving like an irresponsible teenager, not a grown-up.

ItsIslandTime · 29/08/2020 21:04

I agree that you should stop cooking for her. Also, I hope you don’t do her laundry etc.

Longdistance · 29/08/2020 21:05

Someone needs to move out 🤔

Inkpaperstars · 29/08/2020 21:08

I lived in several houseshares in my twenties and everyone always told someone they were going to be away or at least left a note/phone message. It's basic to wonder if someone is safe or you should be reporting their potential abduction.

Besides, it's irrelevant. The point is that she lives in your household, not for unavoidable reasons but by choice. It isn't unreasonable to have some expectations for that, and asking for a text message when someone is going to be away several days is not much to ask. If you wanted her to do ten press ups every time she comes through the front you could make that a condition of living there, and if she doesn't like it she has choices. That wouldn't be reasonable of you, but you could do it. Asking to know when someone is away on a planned trip is very reasonable.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/08/2020 21:11

It bad manners and inconsiderate not to let sharers/family know that she won't be back for the weekend. It only needs a text message.

Its not about age, its common courtesy to the people with whom we live.

katy1213 · 29/08/2020 21:13

If she's 26, and can't hold a job down, I'd turf her out because it's time she learned. When is she planning to grow up? Before she's 40?

SonjaMorgan · 29/08/2020 21:23

Do you not talk to her about her life? I would feel sad if my DC didn't share they were going for a weekend away.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 29/08/2020 21:24

I’m in my late 20s, live with my partner and have two kids but I still tell my mum if I’m going away! So does my brother and he hasn’t lived with her for nearly 10 years... We do all live in the same small town and see each other several times a week though

Cryalot2 · 29/08/2020 21:26

We have adult children at home. One works from home and it suits them for now.
If they are going away for a period they let us know. Its just politeness. We accept that we are 4 adults house sharing rather than seeing them as adult kids. If they will not be home then last one in locks up. Although we have accidentally locked one in the house and another out of it at different times.lol
Keep a few basic ground rules so that everyone knows the score.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2020 21:26

Wouldn't bother me.

Really. So if your child, regardless of their age, had only said they were going out on a date, whereby you would then assume they would be coming home at some point in the evening, didn't get in touch or come home for the entire weekend, you wouldn't be concerned as to how/where they are? Ok. Confused

ddl1 · 29/08/2020 21:26

'Rude' isn't exactly the word I'd use; but certainly inconsiderate. It's not even as if we were in the days when you'd have to hunt for a public phone box; how hard would it be just to send a text?

Longtalljosie · 29/08/2020 21:28

@Chocolate1984

When I was 26 I lived with 3 flat mates and we would let each other know if we were away the weekend or not expected back.
Exactly - me too. It’s basic courtesy.
maddiemookins16mum · 29/08/2020 21:32

YANBU, time she moved out pronto.

Brefugee · 29/08/2020 21:32

She’s 26. She’s a year younger than me and I’ve got a 9 month old, a professional job, and a mortgage. There’s no way I’d be telling my mum my comings and goings .... I’m a grown up.

Bully for you. Presumably, if you live with a partner, you'd tell them if you were going away for a weekend?

I'm in my 50s and haven't lived with my parents since i was 17 but i often talk to them about my life and if I'm going away for a weekend or whatever. When I'm staying with my parents or in-laws i sometimes meet up with other people without them, i deffo tell my parents/in-laws that i won't be back for dinner/the night/the weekend. It's courteous.

Sweettea1 · 29/08/2020 21:33

I would always give my mum a quick text just letting her no i wont b home or the day I would be back mainly so she didn't worry never went into detail where or what I was doing she didn't need to no that but think its just manners to save her worry

The80sweregreat · 29/08/2020 21:34

It would be the safety element that would worry me : just to know she's ok is all you need. Even when we were married with a house we had to tell our parents if we were going away ! I know that sounds strange but that was how it was. Plus they could then keep an eye on our house for us.

MrsMop1964 · 29/08/2020 21:35

I'd want to know whether to bolt the door/put the chain on for the night so not letting me know would be a pain in the arse.

MrsJasonIsbell · 29/08/2020 21:35

I'd want my 20something to let me know --but only so I could send my youngest to her dad's and invite my boyfriend round Wink

LEELULUMPKIN · 29/08/2020 21:36

It's very rude and inconsiderate. I lived with my DM until I got married aged 34 and could come and go as I pleased, the only rule being that I would tell her if I was staying out overnight as otherwise she would worry.

Roussette · 29/08/2020 21:36

If you are living with someone else, it is just polite to tell them whether you are coming home tonight... or in two weeks... surely
It's just a matter of courtesy. And add into the mix it's a mother and daughter, it's rude to not let her know. Because a mother worries if a DD doesn't come home.

Standrewsschool · 29/08/2020 21:37

Inconsiderate rather than rude. If you didn’t know about the suitcase, you’d be thinking the worse had happened to her if she didn’t return. A quick text to let you know what was happening was all it took.

HighBrows · 29/08/2020 21:44

Out of courtesy I'd expect to be told if mine are staying away. No because wanted to police them but to know if I should lock up, put their name in the pot and also not to be worried if I wake in the morning and their not here.
I've no problem with my young adults coming and going but have instilled in them to let me know a vague outline of their plans and if they are staying out. Even a text in the middle of the night so I can see it in the morning.

HighBrows · 29/08/2020 21:45

Not because I want to police them...

wheretonow123 · 29/08/2020 21:46

Our (almost) 28 year old daughter lives with us.

She has her moments but always tells us when she is staying over at her boyfriends place or not coming home for whatever reason.

As she lives with you of course you are not being unreasonable to look for a basic message letting you know whether she will be staying in your house any evening.