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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my adult daughter to tell me she's away for the weekend

163 replies

mom16761 · 29/08/2020 19:13

My daughter (26 and living at home)went to work yesterday morning as usual after telling me she was going on a date straight from work. She apparently took a suitcase with her (her brother saw it). Anyway she didn't come home last night and I've just messaged her to ask if she'll be home tonight. No was the answer.
I just think it was rude not to say she'd be away for the weekend. She doesn't agree!
Is it rude or aibu?

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 29/08/2020 20:20

Wouldn't bother me.

Squirrels1974 · 29/08/2020 20:21

She’s 26. She’s a year younger than me and I’ve got a 9 month old, a professional job, and a mortgage. There’s no way I’d be telling my mum my comings and goings .... I’m a grown up.
However if you’re fed up with her living in your house, treating it like a hotel and not holding down a job because she pisses all her money up the wall it’s about time you told her to get a job, keep it, pay her own rent on her own place and then she can do as she pleases.
She’s a grown up. She needs to start acting like one and you need to start treating her like one.
Perhaps a first step would be for her to pay rent to you. Formalise this situation. I started paying rent when I left college at 18. Even when I returned from uni for the summer I paid a contribution towards my keep as I was working.

GetThatHelmetOn · 29/08/2020 20:21

Rude and inconsiderate. It doesn’t take much to inform the family so they don’t worry.

LunaMuffinTop · 29/08/2020 20:21

YANBU op it was extremely rude of your DD not to let you know that she was going to be away for the weekend she lives under your roof you needed to know so you knew where she was and if you needed to cook for her or leave the door unlocked for her. For all she knows you could’ve sat up all night worrying about her. If she wants to act like that then she needs to get her own place. If I had still been living at home at her age I would’ve let my parents know what I was doing so they didn’t worry about me.

maddy68 · 29/08/2020 20:22

She's 26, she took a case. She's going for a shag. You could have just asked her if she was coming home tonight.

I do think she was a bit off bit she is an adult

FippertyGibbett · 29/08/2020 20:24

Anyone of any age living in a house/flat should say if they’re not going to be home for the night.
How do you know a person is missing or not if they don’t say ?
It’s common courtesy.

Greyblueeyes · 29/08/2020 20:25

It sounds like there are some deeper issues here if she can't hold down a job and pisses money away.

But yes, she was rude.

Brefugee · 29/08/2020 20:26

We've had this discussion with our adult DC living at home. I have made it clear to each of them that it's not about control and it's not about wanting to invade their privacy - it is about meal-planning and a bit of not worrying that they're dead in a ditch somewhere.

But then over the years we've developed a habit of "good morning" and "good night" in the family whatsapp group even when we've had a bit of strife.

ChristmasCarcass · 29/08/2020 20:29

I used to tell my housemates when I was away for the weekend if it was a planned thing (not if it was spontaneous). I mean, it is the kind of thing that comes up over dinner isn't it? "what are you up to this weekend?" "Oh I'm visiting my friend in Wales".

Tbh I think I'd be more upset that we didn't have the kind of relationship where she makes that kind of normal chitchat, than anything else. That plus the "can't hold down a job" comment makes it sound like a very adversarial relationship.

Jay670 · 29/08/2020 20:30

It’s alien to me this living at home at 26. I can’t understand why people want to live with parents at that age. YANBU

QuacksInTheDark · 29/08/2020 20:32

Wouldn’t bother me, you text her she said no she wasn’t coming home. Why is that a problem? If she’d ignored you all weekend and worried you senseless then yes that would be shitty behaviour but other than that I think YANBU.

QuacksInTheDark · 29/08/2020 20:32

YABU FFS!

fuandylp · 29/08/2020 20:33

YANBU.
If you're living with others then it is polite to let them know if you're going to be away for a weekend so that they are not worrying about your whereabouts.
She should have told you. No need to go into detail as to where she was going if she didn't want to, but the least she should have said was that she'd be away.

Tootsie321 · 29/08/2020 20:33

My 27 year old son moved back into my house last year after being made redundant. He would not go away for a weekend without telling me. He sometimes stays at his friend’s overnight, but sends me a text to let me know. I would be annoyed if he didn’t do this, as it is basic manners, irrespective of what age he is.

I think your dd should have let you know she was going away, so that you didn’t worry that something had happened to her! When children live with their parents, I think most would be concerned if they just disappeared without warning.

If she doesn’t have the common decency to let you know that she isn’t coming home, and thinks that she can just use your home as a doss house, perhaps you should suggest she finds somewhere else to live.

FippertyGibbett · 29/08/2020 20:34

@Jay670

It’s alien to me this living at home at 26. I can’t understand why people want to live with parents at that age. YANBU
Because they can’t afford to move out usually.
Nanny0gg · 29/08/2020 20:40

She was rude.

But maybe you need to stop cooking etc for her?

XingMing · 29/08/2020 20:44

@Warsawa31

IMO she should be living in her own place by 26 anyway, I know what you mean regarding being courteous and if it was the other way around I'm sure you would have let her know, but it might have been a spur of the moment thing. I'd let it go - you know she is away now there's nothing more to discuss
I don't have a problem with a 26 yo going for a weekend away at short notice, but not saying where and with whom she is going gives me the creeps.
unmarkedbythat · 29/08/2020 20:50

If I was going away I would let the people I live with know, whether housemates, parents, partner or landlord. It seems so rude not to.

Quaagars · 29/08/2020 20:50

I was going to say YABU, she's a grown adult!
She lives with you though? Common courtesy to say you're going away for the weekend!
YANBU

Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 20:56

I'm 57. If I was staying out for the night and the people I live with didn't know, I'd phone or text them so they weren't worried.

It's just bloody obvious isn't it?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 29/08/2020 20:58

YANBU. It doesn't matter how old she is. It is just being considerate (and safety-conscious) to let those you live with know where you'll be and that you'll be away for the weekend.

Mrsjayy · 29/08/2020 20:59

It is obvious. I don't know why anybody would go away overnight and not
Tell the people they live with they won't be in. Its so inconsiderate not to.

The80sweregreat · 29/08/2020 21:00

My 28 year old tells me if his staying out over a friends or whatever. It's our home and he appreciates that we like to know if his in or out despite his age! It's just common curtesy really.

WaxOnFeckOff · 29/08/2020 21:02

I have young adult sons, one lives at home all the time, the other when home from Uni.

I say to them that they don't need to ask my permission but it's common courtesy to just let someone know if you will not be coming home or not be in for dinner. I don't need a lot of notice, things happen in life right? But they know i'll be putting dinner on around 4ish so I expect (and get) a text just saying if they wont be home or will be home late and could I plate it for them and pop in the fridge.

There is also a safety thing of at least letting someone know where you are/who you are with.

PullTheBricksDown · 29/08/2020 21:02

I would stop cooking for her on the basis that you don't know when she'll be in.