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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my adult daughter to tell me she's away for the weekend

163 replies

mom16761 · 29/08/2020 19:13

My daughter (26 and living at home)went to work yesterday morning as usual after telling me she was going on a date straight from work. She apparently took a suitcase with her (her brother saw it). Anyway she didn't come home last night and I've just messaged her to ask if she'll be home tonight. No was the answer.
I just think it was rude not to say she'd be away for the weekend. She doesn't agree!
Is it rude or aibu?

OP posts:
Sciencebabe · 29/08/2020 21:54

Are you the type of mum to just accept that she has said she's away for the weekend or would you treat her like a child and ask a million questions where/why? I think it's time you helped her realise she can't live with you forever.

cruisecrazy · 29/08/2020 21:54

Maybe it is time to tell her to pack her suitcase and not come back. At 26 and still sponging off you and cannot hold a job and spends money like water it might be the kick up the backside she needs. What a charmer.

ItsIslandTime · 29/08/2020 21:57

If she's 26, and can't hold a job down, I'd turf her out because it's time she learned. When is she planning to grow up? Before she's 40?

I understand the sentiment behind this but I think it’s easier to say this type of thing than actually do it. You have to think how it would actually work if you threw out an adult child. If I was thrown out of home by my parents I’d never want to see them again? Maybe the OP wouldn’t care but I doubt it. Posters always suggest the nuclear option on Mumsnet but I wonder if they would really do the same thing themselves.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/08/2020 21:58

Yes rude. How do you know whether to put chain on door or not? Plus food waste if you cook for her. If she was going away she should have said. Why say dinner instead. I’d have a chat and I’d she disagrees time to move out for her.

monkeyonthetable · 29/08/2020 22:17

YANBU. Of course it's basic courtesy to tell the people you live with if you are going away. Otherwise they might cook for you, or hold off cooking, getting hungry while waiting for you, they might not lock up properly in case you get home late, they might worry for your safety if you don't come home when they expected you. The people who say it's fine make no sense to me.

onlinelinda · 29/08/2020 22:17

It's rude.

copperoliver · 29/08/2020 22:19

She should have told you. X

goingtotown · 29/08/2020 22:19

If she wants a private life she shouldn’t be living at ”Hotel Mama”

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2020 22:32

If she wants a private life she shouldn’t be living at ”Hotel Mama”

Hell yes x1,000,000

Nacreous · 29/08/2020 22:34

When I lived in a house share we had a little whiteboard in the hall, with the days of the week and a column for each of us, and you put a tick or a cross on whether you were in for dinner or not, initialled a day it if you were going to cook and popped a note on that day if you were bringing anyone extra for dinner or were away.

We all wanted to know who was going to be sleeping in our house at night, be that extras or people missing. We had such random schedules that the board worked best for us - maybe that would work well if you have a son who is old enough to drive as well?

Snugglepumpkin · 29/08/2020 22:37

In my twenties I once booked into a B&B for a few days to visit some friends in that area.
One night I didn't come back to the B&B as we were all a bit tipsy & stayed up talking all night.

The B&B phoned the police to report me missing.
I had paid in advance so it wasn't because they thought I'd done a runner on the bill, they were just concerned.

I was really embarrassed (police tracked me down & turned up at the door of friends house) but after thinking about it, I was glad someone cared enough to make sure I was safe.

YANBU to expect some very basic information such as whether someone will be there for the next few days no matter if they are 18 or 80.

jessstan2 · 29/08/2020 22:41

@Squirrels1974

She’s 26. She’s a year younger than me and I’ve got a 9 month old, a professional job, and a mortgage. There’s no way I’d be telling my mum my comings and goings .... I’m a grown up. However if you’re fed up with her living in your house, treating it like a hotel and not holding down a job because she pisses all her money up the wall it’s about time you told her to get a job, keep it, pay her own rent on her own place and then she can do as she pleases. She’s a grown up. She needs to start acting like one and you need to start treating her like one. Perhaps a first step would be for her to pay rent to you. Formalise this situation. I started paying rent when I left college at 18. Even when I returned from uni for the summer I paid a contribution towards my keep as I was working.
Don't be so smug. Some people take longer to work out what they want and establish careers.

Nowhere has the op said her daughter sponges off her, for all we know she pays her way. Even if she flits from job to job, she's still earning.

liveitwell · 29/08/2020 22:44

If you don't know she's intending to stay out, how would you know to call police if she's missing after a random date?

She should have said if she would be back or not.

shiningstar2 · 29/08/2020 22:54

She should have told you. It is a courtesy between one adult and another. I would expect an adult daughter living at home to do me that courtesy and I would do her the courtesy of telling her if I intended to be away over night. Why should anyone even possibly be lying awake worrying about a possible mishap when a simple short sentence could clarify the situation.

Skysblue · 29/08/2020 23:01

Yanbu she’s been disrespectful. Maybe she was embarrassed about saying she was planning to sleep with her date or whatever but when you complained she should have apologised.

Stop washing her clothes and feeding her unless she also takes a turn to cook and wash for you all. God when I was 15 let alone 26 I had to take a turn with cooking and laundry. She sounds spoilt.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 29/08/2020 23:09

Yeah YANBU. Flipping it on it’s head, if I told my (adult) son I was going on a date, and then didn’t come home for two days? He’d probably have called the police and reported me missing! It’s common courtesy to let someone know your plans if you live in the same house. Even just for simple things like putting the chain on the door, as well as the less likely dead in a ditch scenarios.

SofiaAmes · 29/08/2020 23:11

I'm 57 and haven't lived with my parents since I was 16 and I still tell them if I'm going away for the weekend.

howlathebees · 29/08/2020 23:12

I think she should have the respect to let you know

corythatwas · 29/08/2020 23:15

My dd has lived in 3 different house-shares over the last 3 years & has just moved into the 4th: people always tell each other if they're going to be away. It's not about snooping, it's common courtesy, it's knowing if you hear someone moving around in the flat in the small hours whether it's likely to be your flatmate or a burglar.

Doubly rude if someone is cooking for you.

eaglejulesk · 29/08/2020 23:16

Of course she should have told you! She's old enough to do as she pleases, but someone living in a house with others should mention if they are going away, if only to stop any worrying when they don't come home.

Jux · 29/08/2020 23:26

If someone habitually caters for you then it is only polite to let them know that you won't be needing them to.
If you're living with your parents then at least admit that they might be concerned if you went out 'to dinner' and didn't come back for 2 days, so let them know.

I think she's very rude.

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 30/08/2020 00:06

Yanbu it's a courtesy. Even when living with random flatmates we tended to let one of the roomies know if we weren't sleeping in our own bed that night. In case something happened like a fire or something. Let alone living at home

Maria53 · 30/08/2020 00:15

I am 28 and think she should have told you. Last year I moved home for a couple of months while job hunting and wouldnt have dreamed of going off somewhere without mentioning I wouldnt be back for several days.

FinallyFluid · 30/08/2020 00:23

When DS (19) was going through the I am nearly 18 stage and harrumphing about having to give us a brief outline of his plans, he shouted WHY, WHY do I have to tell you.

I calmly replied a rough idea gives the police a good place to start.

He went very quiet, and has offered the information voluntarily ever since.

Gingerfish91 · 30/08/2020 00:35

Yep agree she lives with you so it’s courtesy to let you know at least!