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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed about her name

145 replies

DorisDances · 29/08/2020 17:29

My DD got married and during the exchange of vows only the couple's first names were used. Now clearly I am keeping my beak right out and would never say anything IRL but I can't help feeling really disappointed that DD's first and middle names weren't used. I had always imagined that should she decide to get married, this would be the time both names would be used. Gosh, seems rather pretty writing it down but her names are very special to me. Perhaps it is just the modern way.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorisDances · 29/08/2020 17:30

Petty not pretty!

OP posts:
BillysMyBunny · 29/08/2020 17:31

Yes you’re right, seems completely petty and a non-issue to me. Congratulations to your DD though.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2020 17:31

YABU. Anything else winding you up about the big day?

LEELULUMPKIN · 29/08/2020 17:31

Ask yourself OP, does it REALLY matter? If your DD is happy and healthy that is the only thing that should be concerning you.

It is her wedding, she gets to use what names she likes.

Yes it is very petty.

Farlow · 29/08/2020 17:32

I couldn’t get even slightly worked up about this.

FlorenceNightshade · 29/08/2020 17:33

It obviously didn’t matter to her so I’d just let it go. Telling her might seem like you’re looking to poke holes in her day (even if you’re not).

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 29/08/2020 17:34

Why are you feeling disappointed? Were there people at the wedding who were unaware of dd’s middle name and you wanted them to hear it? I specifically asked at my wedding for my middle name not to be said as it’s fucking atrocious. The lady that did it said they didn’t normally use middle names unless requested and this was a decade ago.

Hardbackwriter · 29/08/2020 17:34

I find it quite hard to imagine why you care in the first place but, more importantly, this is a perfect example of something that you can't change so need to let go of. They're not going to redo the vows so every single bit of energy you use on this is totally wasted. Try to forget about it. If you can't manage that then whatever you do, do not bring this up with your daughter.

SunshineCake · 29/08/2020 17:34

Why does it matter ? Did you want some validation at choosing great names for her and you wanted everyone to know what they were ? It doesn't matter if no one else would be bothered. It matters to you.

When we had our banns read the vicar pronounced my middle name completely wrongly. Not even a name. I was rather embarrassed.

Griselda1 · 29/08/2020 17:35

It's very unusual, I attend at least 20 weddings a year through my work and that's the first time I've known that to happen.

JamieLeeCurtains · 29/08/2020 17:35

What a weird day on MN.

Flappingflamingo · 29/08/2020 17:35

Have to admit, I'm not sure it would have even registered with me if both names were used or not. Does her partner have a middle name? If not maybe that's why they didn't use your daughters. Anyway I hope you all had a lovely day regardless

cochineal7 · 29/08/2020 17:35

I assume your DD had to give the names she wanted used to the one doing the ceremony so it was clearly her choice. And yes of course YABU if this is what you remember from her wedding day.

Original poster
DorisDances · 29/08/2020 17:38

DD's middle name was that of someone special to me. Don't worry, as I said in my post, I wouldn't dream of mentioning this to anyone. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
june2007 · 29/08/2020 17:40

I am with you op. My and my husbands whole name was used at our wedding. And at a friends her whole name was used which I think is one of the few times people actually realised what her name was as she goes by a another.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/08/2020 17:47

Now clearly I am keeping my beak right out and would never say anything IRL

That is much the most sensible course of action, OP.

bridgetreilly · 29/08/2020 17:50

YABVVVVVVVU.

And I think you must know that really.

Also, for what it's worth, quite a lot of women choose to drop their middle name altogether when they get married, especially in the US. So: Ann Beth Cartwright becomes Ann Cartwright Jones, or whatever. It's her name, she can do what she likes with it.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/08/2020 17:51

I got married 26 years ago. I have no recollection of whether me and my husbands middle names were used. It really doesn't matter.

YABU

daisypond · 29/08/2020 17:53

I think it’s rather odd that all names weren’t mentioned. I thought it was normal to. “Do you, Mary Frances Elizabeth, take...”
But not worth mentioning,though.

SnakesOrLadders · 29/08/2020 17:53

I can understand why you would be upset as the middle name is after someone special.
When I was graduating I told my mum I’d just be using my first name not middle names she was very upset as middle name after her sister that passed away as a child. I did use it in the end as I knew it meant a lot.
If your dd doesn’t know that you were upset it’s too late to say now so if leave it.

FAQs · 29/08/2020 17:55

For the sarky responses on repeat.. she did say she realises it’s petty and wouldn’t say it in real life.

modgepodge · 29/08/2020 17:56

If only you were my mum. The vicar at mine used ONLY my middle name at one point in the service, despite having made this mistake at the rehearsal and been corrected.

I thought it was normal to use both but as you say OP, you can hardly mention it. Don’t let it bother you. Your daughter still has her middle name.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 29/08/2020 17:57

When I got married, we’d gone through al our middles names etc with the vicar. But when it came to the actual moment, the vicar only used our first names. I was so upset, but didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t really stop the flow and say I’d like my middle name used as it wasn’t appropriate.

It really upset me (silly I know). I’d hate for anyone in the congregation to think we’d chosen to omit our middle names on purpose. It was a shock and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

The vicar also forgot to say “you may now kiss the bride” so I was confused at that too. Again it upset me and I’d hate for anyone to think I chose not to kiss my husband, although I didn’t get to kiss him for ages afterwards with all the people coming up to us and wanting to hug us.

UndertheCedartree · 29/08/2020 17:58

Obviously as you say ultimately it doesn't really matter. But my DC's names are very special to me too so I can understand where you are coming from. It was something you were expecting and it didn't happen. It's ok to feel a little disapointed.

Goingdownto · 29/08/2020 18:00

My dc's middle names are very special to me and they basically are never used, once the christening is over - I would expect to hear them at a wedding but like the OP I would not bring it up with them.
I remember dh left a middle name out when telling his relative about our dc and he got an engraved present without his full name (the bit left out being from my side of the family!)
I knew it seemed petty and never mentioned it but if did bother me, so I can see where the OP is coming from.