To be disappointed about her name

[DorisDances]

My DD got married and during the exchange of vows only the couple's first names were used. Now clearly I am keeping my beak right out and would never say anything IRL but I can't help feeling really disappointed that DD's first and middle names weren't used. I had always imagined that should she decide to get married, this would be the time both names would be used. Gosh, seems rather pretty writing it down but her names are very special to me. Perhaps it is just the modern way.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

I hate my middle name soooo much I have erased it from all my documents except my Birth Certificate (and if that was possible I would)

I did ask my DDad why when he went round to register my birth the next day why he agreed to put the name on , he said "Oh your mother liked it........."

I'm the same. I tell people I don't have a middle name because it's awful.

As you took special care to include the mame of a loved one in your daughter's name, I can understand your disappointment, OP.

Aw, I think it's a shame they didn't use middle names. I always enjoy that at a wedding. Because often, you may not know a middle name and it usually brings a bit of laughter when it's revealed. I haven't given any thought to my children's weddings and middle names. But we picked names that flow well together, and like to use them as often as possible.

I do get it and sympathise. The greatest gift you gave your daughter was her name and given that she’s losing part of it, acknowledging the rest would have been the least she could have done at such an occasion especially as any grandchildren won’t have your last name either. But there’s not much you can do about it now. Congratulations though

I can't remember if my middle name was used at either of my weddings!

@bridgetreilly

I do think people on the baby names thread need to come and read this one, to remind themselves that no matter how much thought and effort they put into trying to pick the most special, meaningful name in the whole world, they are naming another person. A person who will have autonomy. Who will choose for themselves how they want to be known - by their given name, by a nickname or a short form, by a changed name after marriage or indeed at any other stage in their life. The person you are honouring, if that's what your doing, may be incredibly special to you, but is unlikely to be special to your child, particularly if it's someone who died before they were born.

In short, don't get too invested. It's just a name. Choose something you like, then hand it over to your child.

This should be a sticky in the Baby Names section!

@BubblyBarbara

I do get it and sympathise. The greatest gift you gave your daughter was her name and given that she’s losing part of it, acknowledging the rest would have been the least she could have done at such an occasion especially as any grandchildren won’t have your last name either. But there’s not much you can do about it now. Congratulations though

Sorry I completely disagree there a name is a name, it isn't some kind of gift.

Fuck that, love and a happy childhood home are much more significant

Did your DD ever meet the person she's middle-named after? Just because her middle name is special to you, doesn't mean it's special to her. I never met the individual who inspired mine, it's unconventional and frankly I've hated it at times. Often I've wondered why my parents couldn't have also given me another sensible one if they felt the need to lumber me with a "special" middle name.

No matter how special her names are what does it matter if they were used in the wedding or not? They are still her names. If only we all had such minor things to be disappointed about.

Because its extremely common in the US.

What are you basing that on, was my question. I get that you think it's extremely common, but how did you come to that conclusion?

@steff13 www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00277738.2016.1197645?scroll=top&needAccess=true

18% of Americans on a website who took their husband's name kept their maiden name as the middle name. More common for older women, certain ethnic groups, and Southerners. Laura Ingalls Wilder is a famous example.

My mum did it twice, later getting divorced and her first married surname becoming her current middle name. It does seem to be less common than in my parents' generation (we're Midwest not south)

We are in the middle of a global pandemic, people are starving all around the world. People are living in appalling conditions. And you are upset about about this @DorisDances !!!

Well for you, if that is all that upsets you.

@LadyEloise - that's a pointless criticism. people are allowed to have and express emotions at every state and stage of life. You don't have to have a limb hanging off before you're allowed to be upset by something. And haven't you heard of transference or projection? Where a host of serious worries that are too huge to be dealt with come out via distress at something apparently minor? As you say, we're in the middle of a pandemic. So be kind. It costs nothing.

The greatest gift you gave your daughter was her name

Um, no. If a parent's greatest gift was a name what an easy job parenting would be! The greatest gift is giving birth/ life to a child, and raising them with love, care and attention. Every child has a name. Sadly not every child is given the love, care and attention they need and deserve.

Some clergy/registrars do. Some don't. 🤷‍♀️

I'm surprised by the hard time OP is getting , particularly as she has said the middle name represents someone special. Be kind , folks.

OP, YANBU. You were looking forward to hearing it and it didn't happen. I imagine lots of folk would feel similar. Ignore the PPs being cruel.

@LadyEloise

We are in the middle of a global pandemic, people are starving all around the world. People are living in appalling conditions. And you are upset about about this *@DorisDances* !!!

Well for you, if that is all that upsets you.

So you are so magnanimous that you are never upset about anything other than Covid 19?

I've already said that this wouldn't even register with me. Clearly it does with some people though, including OP.

Thanks for the supportive comments and clearly this issue isn't the ONLY thing on my mind at the moment. I thought I was starting a thread about modern wedding practices!

I thought I was starting a thread about modern wedding practices!

Agreed OP that over the past decade or so there seems to have been a seismic shift in the way weddings are often conducted. I was married in a (European) civil ceremony which required by law that full names were used, including all given names and family name. As far as I can see UK civil ceremonies operate along similar practices, including Catholic weddings which require a civil ceremony incorporated within them to make the marriage legal.

As the state church, I think the CofE is the only body which can conduct legally binding marriage ceremonies independently of this process. I don't recall their ever recently using family names, and it seems they're also apparently happy to use nicknames rather than the full given names. But their practice is the exception to the usual legal norms.

Trends ebb and flow. It remains to be seen whether the Covid pandemic will result in another shift in trend away from the 'Instagram' wedding, or whether giving money rather than a gift will become an ingrained cultural practice the way it often is on the continent.

18% of Americans on a website who took their husband's name kept their maiden name as the middle name.

If 18% do that, then doesn't that mean 82% don't? I'd call 82% a majority.