To be disappointed about her name

[DorisDances]

My DD got married and during the exchange of vows only the couple's first names were used. Now clearly I am keeping my beak right out and would never say anything IRL but I can't help feeling really disappointed that DD's first and middle names weren't used. I had always imagined that should she decide to get married, this would be the time both names would be used. Gosh, seems rather pretty writing it down but her names are very special to me. Perhaps it is just the modern way.

At weddings nowadays the celebrant usually only uses the names the couple are known by. For example, if my name was Alice Jessstan Mary Brown, he or he would just say, "Jessstan". That seems fair enough to me.

We asked for them not to be used. MIL did mention it afterwards!

@DorisDances

DD's middle name was that of someone special to me. Don't worry, as I said in my post, I wouldn't dream of mentioning this to anyone. Thanks for the replies.

Sorry OP haven't RTFT but this jumped out at me, it was of someone special to you - was the person special to DD or is it just the name of someone special to her parent? Maybe she isn't fond of the name? Maybe it doesn't mean anything to her so she didn't even think of including it?

We are getting married next year and won't be using middle names either

I thought the full names were required I must say. Mind you, its a long time since I got married so things may have changed. If we had been given the choice we would not have used all DH's long string of rather flowery names. Apart from the fact that he thinks they are a bit silly, I have a single syllable forename and no middle names so the combination sounded distinctly odd - I'm sure half the congregation thought that the priest had lost the will to live after reeling off all DH's names so was just skipping mine.
But yes, I can still understand why you wanted to hear your DD's full names as it is traditional.
Its not as bad as what happened at one wedding I went to though. I think it was the Vicar's second or third wedding of the day and he'd got confused or something as he read out completely the wrong names, several times during the service. It was dreadful!

I’m glad I haven’t got a middle name.

My kids have abs it’s their name, to use as they wish or even change if they aren’t happy! Makes no difference to who they are.

When we got married the vicar used just our first names. Because DH has a middle name and I don’t we agreed it would flow better to just use first names for both of us.

As a mum myself, both my kids have middles names that have special meaning to us. But their wedding , their choice. If they’re said as part of the vows, lovely. If not I’m not going to sweat it.

Who was the person who was special to you? I agree with @Nanny0gg, if you're upset you're upset, and you have not said anything to them, so that must be hard. You know that they would be surprised and find it a bit random, but you are upset. I hope it feels less upsetting fairly soon.

@steff13

Also, for what it's worth, quite a lot of women choose to drop their middle name altogether when they get married, especially in the US. So: Ann Beth Cartwright becomes Ann Cartwright Jones, or whatever. It's her name, she can do what she likes with it.

I'm in the US, and I don't know anyone who's done this. Why do you think it's "especially in the US?"

Because its extremely common in the US.

I totally understand where you are coming from, in this being important to you. When I was graduating, I contacted the university specifically to ask that my middle name be used in the graduation and on my degree, as it was in honour of a person who is important to me. I presume your daughter would have done similar if she felt similar on her wedding day. That doesn't mean the person wasn't important to her. It doesn't take away your right to be sad about it, but I wouldn't share this with your daughter. Hope you otherwise enjoyed the day.

I do think people on the baby names thread need to come and read this one, to remind themselves that no matter how much thought and effort they put into trying to pick the most special, meaningful name in the whole world, they are naming another person. A person who will have autonomy. Who will choose for themselves how they want to be known - by their given name, by a nickname or a short form, by a changed name after marriage or indeed at any other stage in their life. The person you are honouring, if that's what your doing, may be incredibly special to you, but is unlikely to be special to your child, particularly if it's someone who died before they were born.

In short, don't get too invested. It's just a name. Choose something you like, then hand it over to your child.

I'd be gutted to. I chose my childrens middle names as they meant something to dh and I. Ignore anyone who tells you how you can and can't feel. Its human nature to feel regret and disappointment. People behind a keyboard are so perfect!

@bridgetreilly

I do think people on the baby names thread need to come and read this one, to remind themselves that no matter how much thought and effort they put into trying to pick the most special, meaningful name in the whole world, they are naming another person. A person who will have autonomy. Who will choose for themselves how they want to be known - by their given name, by a nickname or a short form, by a changed name after marriage or indeed at any other stage in their life. The person you are honouring, if that's what your doing, may be incredibly special to you, but is unlikely to be special to your child, particularly if it's someone who died before they were born.

In short, don't get too invested. It's just a name. Choose something you like, then hand it over to your child.

Totally agree, the whole 'Elizabeth nn Beth' thing is so irrelevant. Nicknames in particular are organic, you can't just decide what they are because ultimately they will be whatever people naturally decide to use (Liz, Lizzie etc). And let's face it pretty much no-one cares about their middle name (unless they actually had any kind of relationship with the person whose name it is).

DH and I only used first names because he hates his middle name (I think it's adorable - but understand his reasons as it's a little "too cute" and "non-British")

I gave DD1 a name that could easily have been hyphenated but wasn't. It was a combination of her paternal great grandmother's name and the name of one of my favourite aunts and it was intended that the two names would be used together. Think of a fairly familiar name combo like Anna Maria and you will understand why using both names would have been the obvious thing to do.

However, exMIL seized on the first name and ignored the second one and the rest of the IL family followed her lead, including exH, who disputed that we had ever intended to use both names. It was impossible to fight the tide.

But now, years later, it gives me enormous satisfaction to see that DD uses her full name professionally, and hearing her full name called out at her high school and university graduations was a truly wonderful experience for me.

You have my sympathy, @DorisDances. Names mean a lot, especially if you used the naming opportunity to honour someone you loved, or even if the sound of the names together was something you loved when you chose them.

Fwiw, I have never been to a wedding where only the first names were used at the vows. It has always been the full whack, as in "Diana Frances" and "Philip Charles Arthur George"

I can understand why you were upset.

Very petty.

Nicknames in particular are organic, you can't just decide what they are because ultimately they will be whatever people naturally decide to use

I agree DD2 has a long name and instead of the start it’s the end that’s stuck as a nickname because DD1 couldn’t say it.

@MJMG2015

I can understand why you were disappointed. It is a shame as it feels a bit of a slight, but maybe it was accidental and not an actual decision DD made.

How does it seem like a slight? It's the daughter's name, not the mother's. She can use whichever name she wants.

I always feel a bit mournful for the fact that my children's beautiful middle names never see the light of day!

I'm in the US, and I don't know anyone who's done this. Why do you think it's "especially in the US?"

I don't think it's a universal American thing.

I'm in the US and I don't know anyone who has gone to the trouble of actually formally dropping a middle name from their BC and adding their maiden name instead, going through the whole deed poll shazam that that would involve.

Women sometimes adopt their husband's surname and drop their own even in this day and age, and they sometimes use both their maiden name and married name informally in certain contexts, but that's not the same thing as formally dropping a middle name entirely and substituting a maiden name instead.

Women sometimes use the unhyphenated double surname informally if they adopt their husband's name formally - you frequently see this done on FB so that former classmates from school know who you are. This isn't just an American thing though.

@Leaannb, I suspect the expectation that a woman will insert her maiden name informally after her given name, with accompanying informal dropping of the original middle name is a southern thing. ExH was from a southern state and I remember him going over my CV early in our marriage and using the format [firstname] [maiden name] [married name] for my name, which I thought strange. I changed it to [first name] [initial of BC middle name] [married surname].

Was the wedding recent? Has DD decided what she is doing with her bouquet? I was thinking you could out it on your person's grave, to make them part of the occasion. Failing that, bridesmaids flowers, table flowers or your own corsage? Just a thought...

I hate my middle name soooo much I have erased it from all my documents except my Birth Certificate (and if that was possible I would)

I did ask my DDad why when he went round to register my birth the next day why he agreed to put the name on , he said "Oh your mother liked it........."

If it's a recent wedding then yes. They are only doing the absolute bare legal minimum at the moment

I always thought that full names had to be used for weddings.
Does your DD not use her names on other things.
Both adult children have 3 names and 1 if they get round to having a dc said their name will be much the same. ( I got something right)
Both always use their first name with the initals of their second names and frequently use them on anything official or when anything to do with their names.
I would find it strange if they did not use them at their weddings .

The OP chose her DD's names but her DD has to live with them.

I really dislike my middle name (DF registered my birth and chose it instead of the agreed middle name).

I don't ever use it.