Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed about her name

145 replies

DorisDances · 29/08/2020 17:29

My DD got married and during the exchange of vows only the couple's first names were used. Now clearly I am keeping my beak right out and would never say anything IRL but I can't help feeling really disappointed that DD's first and middle names weren't used. I had always imagined that should she decide to get married, this would be the time both names would be used. Gosh, seems rather pretty writing it down but her names are very special to me. Perhaps it is just the modern way.

OP posts:
nosswith · 29/08/2020 18:00

It's the first time I have heard of this but there is nothing you can do about this, though if the names were carefully chosen I can see why you are disappointed.

steff13 · 29/08/2020 18:01

Maybe she doesn't like her middle name. Maybe he doesn't like his middle name and so they decided not to use either.

Decentsalnotime · 29/08/2020 18:01

Let me guess
You aren’t particularly close with your daughter?

Only a somewhat fraught mother and daughter relationship would involve the other starting a thread on this

Sparklesocks · 29/08/2020 18:02

Your daughter married the person she loves. Please focus on that rather than the trivialities of the ceremony.

MitziK · 29/08/2020 18:02

My Mother was absolutely furious that my DB pronounced his middle name as though it was French, rather than the rather guttural version she used (Yep, his middle name was Louis) and very loudly complained in the middle of the ceremony.

If I ever get married, not that she'd be there, she'd probably be pissed off that I don't really want to use my middle name at all, because I absolutely hate it, and I'd use my father's pronunciation of my first name.

Thefaceofboe · 29/08/2020 18:05

It’s really not a big deal but obviously it’s upset you. I think not using the full name makes things seem a bit more casual. For me, I would be so nervous I don’t think I could say my full name Grin

Morfin · 29/08/2020 18:05

I'm surprised by the replies tbh, just head over to baby names and see the angst, thought and care that goes into naming a baby. The Op already said that it seems petty and that she won't say anything irl. I do actually get it, I would have been sad if my full name wasn't used and would definitely like the splended name that I have bestowed on my DD to be used if she gets married. But I also wouldn't dream of making a point of it irl.

Iwantacookie · 29/08/2020 18:06

I dont think I've been to a wedding where middle names werent used.
Like you my dc middle names are very special, they are all after family members who have died so I would feel slightly disappointed if they werent mentioned so I can really understand where your coming from.
Maybe it's the new in thing or maybe they choose to omit them.
I think you are wise choosing not to mention it.

FlorenceNightshade · 29/08/2020 18:09

@Morfin just because you love your babies name doesn’t mean they will!!

MumW · 29/08/2020 18:10

Things must've changed since we got married. We were told that it was a legal requirement to use our full names even though my DH hates his and never uses it. Think Adrian/Adi.

Liverpool52 · 29/08/2020 18:11

I hate my names. First name is difficult to spell/pronounce, second name is just silly and third nane has unusual spelling. Have to constantly explain my name to people (I'm 36). But my mum loves it because she wanted to be different.

Yep, it's all about you mum.

I really wish parents would actually think about long term implications of the names they give rather than just their own pathetic egos.

honeylulu · 29/08/2020 18:13

If it's church of England they used to use all Christian first and middle names (no surname) but that changed over 10 years ago I think so now it's just the first Christian name.

Any other venue the whole name including surname is used for the legal section and generally the celebrant will ask the couple how they wish to be referred to in the rest of the service. I got married in the Methodist church and in the legal bit I was referred to as Catherine Jane Smith (say) and the rest of the time as Cathy.

SunbathingDragon · 29/08/2020 18:14

@DorisDances

DD's middle name was that of someone special to me. Don't worry, as I said in my post, I wouldn't dream of mentioning this to anyone. Thanks for the replies.
I imagine that despite what it means to you, your DD doesn’t like her middle name that much. Of all the weddings I have been to, I’ve never know them to exclude middle names. That says to me your DD (or the groom) intentionally opted against it being said.
daisypond · 29/08/2020 18:14

I have to say, I vaguely assumed it was a legal requirement to have the full name.

Hardbackwriter · 29/08/2020 18:16

I'm surprised by the replies tbh, just head over to baby names and see the angst, thought and care that goes into naming a baby.

I guess I just assumed that you'd got over it by the time your child was of a legal age to marry?

Leaannb · 29/08/2020 18:17

@bridgetreilly

YABVVVVVVVU.

And I think you must know that really.

Also, for what it's worth, quite a lot of women choose to drop their middle name altogether when they get married, especially in the US. So: Ann Beth Cartwright becomes Ann Cartwright Jones, or whatever. It's her name, she can do what she likes with it.

Extremely good point and this is not a new thing. My middle name became a part of my first name and my last name was hyphenated

For instance..My name was Mary Beth Chapman. Mary being my first name. Beth was my middle name and Chapman was my surname. When I married 27 years ago my name became Mary Beth Chapman-Jordan. Of course this is a fake name and yes its a pain in the ass to sign and yes the US DOD absolutely hated it. Mainly because my name wouldn't fit on my name tags for military uniforms and for the fact that I am literally the only person in the world with my name. Oh and none of my children carry any portion of my name

Hardbackwriter · 29/08/2020 18:17

Actually, tbf, I think it slightly bothers my mum that I never use the full version of my first name, I always use a shortening (to the extent that almost no one knows that the shortening isn't my full name). But I feel that's on her, because my full name is horrible and misspelt.

Thehop · 29/08/2020 18:18

That’s really unusual, I have a lot of names and enjoyed them being used. It doesn’t happen often.

I’d also be sad if my children didn’t use all their names as they all have meaning.

Like you, though, I wouldn’t say anything.....I do understand how you feel though

Leaannb · 29/08/2020 18:19

@Liverpool52

I hate my names. First name is difficult to spell/pronounce, second name is just silly and third nane has unusual spelling. Have to constantly explain my name to people (I'm 36). But my mum loves it because she wanted to be different.

Yep, it's all about you mum.

I really wish parents would actually think about long term implications of the names they give rather than just their own pathetic egos.

Honestly several of my children will probably feel the same as you do. My middle son is sick and tired of being called Rice
PotteringAlong · 29/08/2020 18:20

would definitely like the splended name that I have bestowed on my DD to be used if she gets married. @Morfin you better hope your daughter doesn’t think it’s an entirely crap name!

honeylulu · 29/08/2020 18:21

Let's hope she thinks it's "splended" as well. Does it have a unique spelling perchance?

Whenwillthisbeover · 29/08/2020 18:21

what????????????? is her middle name your name and that's why you feel so deeply? my middle name is my mums and I bloody hate it, I wouldn't want it reading out in my wedding ceremony, not as bad as my BF's whose middle name is Joan after her mother, at least mine isn't as bad as that.

Onesipmore · 29/08/2020 18:23

I can sort of see this. Dh goes by his middle name rather than his surname. Likewise one of my DDs has her grandmothers name as a middle name (which she is very proud of - so is grandmother) so I feel people would be disappointed if it wasn't said. However, to other peoples points its not the end of the world, its what she wanted and in this climate its not worth getting worked up about x

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2020 18:24

As her mother, I understand you. Of course you'll let it slide and it's really not a big deal. To be honest, I can't even remember if my middle name was used during my own wedding vows. Probably not. I haven't a clue. I came down with the stomach flu and started vomitting anyway! I look pea-green in every wedding photo (plus I had weeping impetigo on my chin! Woo-hoo! Grin Anyway, at least your DD didn't vomit. There's always a silver lining!).
It's just one of those little 'life niggles' though, isn't it? It bothers you and that's understandable. You'll get past it. Congratulations on your daughter's marriage! Flowers

Leaannb · 29/08/2020 18:25

@Hardbackwriter

I'm surprised by the replies tbh, just head over to baby names and see the angst, thought and care that goes into naming a baby.

I guess I just assumed that you'd got over it by the time your child was of a legal age to marry?

You would be surprised over how many people cling to drama over names. My DIL's mother is still pissed that my name took up so much room on the invites to their wedding. Told me I need to change my name in order to respect my husband for providing me with such a nice life. For real bitches be crazy