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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL says he's offended. Is he right?

153 replies

dustyparadeground · 29/08/2020 16:16

So, UK husband with Italian wife. 41 years together. FIL and MIL in Italy have bought land and FIL and BIL built a large villa outside Rome. Basically it is 2 semi detached houses that Italian parents apparently often do called a "bifamiliare" one house for my BIL to live in and one for my wife and I to use when we go and possibly live in when we retire. Obviously very generous although there was no discussion about it, it was simply presented as a fait accompli. Which I have always thought a bit weird. So we visited last month and I happened to refer to it as "my house" and my FIL instantly said "wasn't I ashamed to call it my house? I should at least just say my wife's house" We were in public with a few others from extended family so subject was changed. However this has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now. Especially as we have ourselves sunk 50K into this project. I should just add he was certainly quite cogent and aware of what he was saying at the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sciencebabe · 30/08/2020 08:44

Maybe after 41yrs your FIL is trying to get you to use language a bit more modern. 'Our house' or yes, 'Her house' as it is from her side of the family, however much money you and your wife sunk in to it. Also, you were in the presence of their friends, you need to adapt your language to suit your crowd. He is probably offended because he did not build a house for you. He built it for his daughter.

ittakes2 · 30/08/2020 08:44

I am sorry but regardless of which country if I bought land and built a house hoping my daughter would retire in her home country - her partner referring to the house as ‘mine’ rather than ‘our’ would ring alarm bells. His response that you were being rude was over the top but maybe there was a language issue. You said your wife asked if it was ok if you matched the contribution of her brother for £50k. This is not a lot for a house - but you should check the legal ownership of things.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 08:52

I am assuming if my wife died before me it would pass to me of course, though I would never live there alone

Wow and you’re at it again. You do see it as your house the likely hood is it would pass to their other son. No one does a will where it Passes to their son in law. The only way it would pass to you is if your wife already owned it and it had been passed to her.

Do you work op? Who is the main bread winner , you or your wife?

And right now it’s your father In laws house. It’s not registered to either you or your wife because if it was you’d know, you’d both have to sign a shit load of documents for over seas property.

So it’s his house all day long right now.

Newmumatlast · 30/08/2020 08:54

tbh i don't think everyone feels the same about the my house our house thing. I wouldn't be offended if my husband referred to our house as his house. It is. Just as it is mine. It depends on if the person means it is just theirs when it isn't. I say my house all the time but just as I would say my jumper even if I was gifted it etc. It is mine. I'm not, in saying that, denying any other ownership. I think perhaps it is a misunderstanding

Newmumatlast · 30/08/2020 08:56

@HannaYeah

If I’m out and about with a friend and my husband is not there I would say “Hey, do you want to go to my house?”

Not “Hey, do you want to go to our house?”

This. It isn't a feminist issue imo. It isn't just men who sometimes say my house. I just don't see how it is problematic
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2020 09:30

This house will not pass to you if you dw dies before your fil. If my dh dies before my fil, my fils property will pass to my dd. It would be strange to imagine that any other way even under british standards... not that my fil is british.

Poppet1974 · 30/08/2020 09:38

In my opinion he was right to pull you up on this. It’s his land, he built the house, you AND YOUR WIFE have invested 50K whilst he no doubt did all the heavy lifting with regards to the project and then you swan in talking about ‘my house’...... I can see how it riled him!
Although you sound nice and i imagine you didn’t mean anything by it.

honeygirlz · 30/08/2020 09:42

Please ask your wife to get a copy of the deeds, it’s very possible FIL and BIL have put the house in BIL’s name.

QuestionMarkNow · 30/08/2020 09:54

I am assuming if my wife died before me it would pass to me of course, though I would never live there alone

Well if I was you I wouldn’t be assuming. The law in Italy will be different than the U and nothing tells you that because your DW has been living here for 40 years, it’s the Uk law that would apply all the way.
Eg: in France they consider that marriage in the U.K. is under the ‘séparation des biens’, Aka all finances are split. Whatever is in my name is mine. If I was to get divorced from DH, anything I own in France in my name would be mine....
Add to that that the U.K. isn’t oart if the eu anymore and there is (yet) to have any agreement between the U.K. and the eu on how the handle those situations...
I really really wouldn’t assume anything there.

And by the way, you did NOT invest £50k in that house.
You DW and you TOGETHER invested £50k. You can’t have it both ways. Own half of that house AND be the only one who has financed it....

QuestionMarkNow · 30/08/2020 09:57

I’m also wondering how much that house is actually worth.
Because if you have invested £50k for a house that is valued at £500k+, the ‘it’s all mine’ attitude stinks even more.
Itnwouod really make you look like someone that is profiting as much as possible from the kindness of his FIL

LilaButterfly · 30/08/2020 10:02

I dont get how anyone can get worked up about the "my house" comment. When i talk about MY house i know its not just mine. I still say my house.
Just the other day my mum and i went shopping together and i asked her if she wants to go with MY car. DH picked the car, he paid for the car, he is listed as the owner of the car. But i drive that car, so its mine. When i talk about it i say my car.
I probably would say that i meant no offence and that obviously the house isnt just yours. But i would find FILs response a bit weird.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 10:04

If I’m out and about with a friend and my husband is not there I would say “Hey, do you want to go to my house?”

Not “Hey, do you want to go to our house?”

Relative to the friends, saying "my house" makes senses it's obvious what is meant and it's more "my" house than theirs.

Referring to it as "my house" to the person who actually owns that house and has put it in trust (or similar) for the benefit of the woman you married under another country's laws could reasonably be seen as a tad arrogant.

OP knows it's not his house as he hasn't even seen the paperwork so it was a presumptuous thing to say and it understandably ruffled some feathers.

honeygirlz · 30/08/2020 10:10

@LonginesPrime OP says a few others were there so it’s possible OP was calling it my house and FIL overheard.

I’m more concerned that OP and his wife may have lost £50k.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 10:19

I’m more concerned that OP and his wife may have lost £50k

Well it sounds like they've bought the enjoyment of some lovely tiles and an open fire while they're there - their money, their choice!

category12 · 30/08/2020 11:42

If they can afford to spunk £50K without ever bothering to look at any documentation for their spend, I may have the tiniest violin for them.

SandyY2K · 30/08/2020 12:56

OP...I'm glad you got some replies from ppl who know what their talking about in relation to the cultural aspects of the property.

The pp who refused to but furniture for a property that wasn't hers had the right idea.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 13:41

I dont get how anyone can get worked up about the "my house" comment

Because it’s not his house. That’s the fundamental issue that was being pointed out to him. He might have put fifty grand in but that does not make it his house,

He can stay there when vacationing, he may be able to live there when retired, but that’s also not a given, so calling it his house is a bit much,

It’s the father in laws house. All day long, it will come to his wife on their passing, As part of her inheritance and they can use it as an occasional holiday home until then,

So sitting in front of his father in law calling it his house is no different to giving fifty grand for improvements to your in laws home in the uk, knowing you’ll inherit it one day and then sitting in their home and announcing it as yours.

This is not his house and he has no right to claim it as such. That’s the point the father in law was making,

justasking111 · 30/08/2020 13:53

They have not lost anything timeshare one week a year in Italy is 7k. So they can enjoy it in their lifetime as often as they want if they wish.

Original poster
dustyparadeground · 30/08/2020 17:39

Well since I doubt I would ever actually live there, I think I'll let it go. Much as I love Italy I've got no need to live in a house that isn't mine (or "ours" if you will) and with a daughter and granddaughter in the UK I don't really want to be 1000 miles from them.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 18:12

So basically it’s not your house, it’s somewhere you can stay when you’re over and your father in law was right to pull you up in you grandiose statement it was yours.

HannaYeah · 30/08/2020 18:20

@dustyparadeground

Well since I doubt I would ever actually live there, I think I'll let it go. Much as I love Italy I've got no need to live in a house that isn't mine (or "ours" if you will) and with a daughter and granddaughter in the UK I don't really want to be 1000 miles from them.
Was going to ask if you had children. Glad you have family to enjoy in the UK!

There is some possibility that the house, if it now belongs solely to your wife, would pass to your daughter in the even if her death.

Original poster
dustyparadeground · 30/08/2020 18:23

HannahYeah
That's fine by me
I assume you mean "jumping" me if I'm still alive?

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 30/08/2020 18:23

*Event of

Original poster
dustyparadeground · 30/08/2020 18:23

Do I mean jumping or ignoring?

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 30/08/2020 18:25

@dustyparadeground

HannahYeah That's fine by me I assume you mean "jumping" me if I'm still alive?
Yes. I know very little about this, but when my grandfather died his family home in Italy became the property of his children though he had a surviving spouse. It had belonged to his parents, then passed to him and his siblings, then to my father and his cousins.
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