Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL says he's offended. Is he right?

153 replies

dustyparadeground · 29/08/2020 16:16

So, UK husband with Italian wife. 41 years together. FIL and MIL in Italy have bought land and FIL and BIL built a large villa outside Rome. Basically it is 2 semi detached houses that Italian parents apparently often do called a "bifamiliare" one house for my BIL to live in and one for my wife and I to use when we go and possibly live in when we retire. Obviously very generous although there was no discussion about it, it was simply presented as a fait accompli. Which I have always thought a bit weird. So we visited last month and I happened to refer to it as "my house" and my FIL instantly said "wasn't I ashamed to call it my house? I should at least just say my wife's house" We were in public with a few others from extended family so subject was changed. However this has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now. Especially as we have ourselves sunk 50K into this project. I should just add he was certainly quite cogent and aware of what he was saying at the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Devlesko · 29/08/2020 17:54

50k and no questions asked.
Send me 50k and ask nothing, I'll let you think you own a house too.
One born every minute. lol.

HyacynthBucket · 29/08/2020 17:56

Well if I was your FIL and had planned, arranged, built and generously handed over half a house for my son and daughter's use, even if the daughter had put in a contribution to costs of it as a 'family house', I would be really pissed off if said daughter's husband swanned over from England and started referring to it as his house. I would be pissed of if I was the wife too.

ARoseInHarlem · 29/08/2020 17:58

This is two men and their egos.

Just forget about it. Nothing good can come of dwelling on this. You’ve been his son in law for 41 years! Aren’t you over it yet?!

BoggledBudgie · 29/08/2020 18:01

How is it your house in any shape or form? How can you have spent £50k on it without even being consulted about it? Do you mean your wife spent £50k of her own money on it?

tara66 · 29/08/2020 18:01

Its not your personal property though is it? So you should not call it ''my'' house.

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/08/2020 18:02

@Devlesko haha I was thinking the exact same thing!

Op, we’ll build you a much nicer retirement home than BIL. I know you don’t want to be bothered by paperwork so don’t worry I’ll handle it. Sending you a PM with my bank deets Grin

HannaYeah · 29/08/2020 18:08

If your wife said it’s just him being cranky, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Call it something else in front of him. Casa Wife’s Name or come up with a name for it and call it that around him.

He was rude to make a deal about it.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 29/08/2020 18:08

Another one saying there's no way I'd be sinking 50k into a property I hadn't seen the official paperwork on.

I wonder if you are getting the full story

Whenwillthisbeover · 29/08/2020 18:08

why didn't you didn't you say "our house meaning your wife's and yours"

her parents are doing something nice for their daughter and her husband and you just call it yours, which seems rather dates and sexist.

do you refer to everything else at home as "yours", your house, your car, your money?

neveradullmoment99 · 29/08/2020 18:10

You are an outsider and although you will have been largely accepted you are not Italian. It would have grated and that's why he made a point of it. That and the fact that Its your wives house. Vintage Italians have these notions. My gran was one of them!

neveradullmoment99 · 29/08/2020 18:12

However i do agree that its a real worry that you dont have any documentation. I do know that in Italy trying to get any type of documentation is a complete pain in the ass. So much beaurocracy but really, when things have calmed down you absolutely should.

justasking111 · 29/08/2020 18:13

My DB lives in China he and chinese wife have three homes, under chinese law he as a brit if they divorced would get nothing and have to leave the country. When DS lived in Bermuda it was the reason he did not marry a lovely Bermudan.

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2020 18:14

TBH the back story here is a bad relationship with FIL and so you forked over 50k, as you do.
Casa nostra would have been more 'correct'. It would have been the more diplomatic way to put it. The 50k was yours. It is now part of a shared investment. The house is not yours. Make sure it is when the time comes.

workaround · 29/08/2020 18:23

Well if I was your FIL and had planned, arranged, built and generously handed over half a house for my son and daughter's use, even if the daughter had put in a contribution to costs of it as a 'family house', I would be really pissed off if said daughter's husband swanned over from England and started referring to it as his house. I would be pissed of if I was the wife too.

Agree basically. With so much family input financially, practically and culturally I really can't understand how it would end up being framed in your head as 'your house' which rather deliberately excludes all the other interested parties! So it smacks of you needing to be the Big I Am, not him, whether you recognise it or not.

I think you are not grasping vital aspects about their views on inheritance and family and even if technically you owned all of it, it would be much more respectful to your wife and diplomatic to say 'our'. So YABU all round.

WestendVBroadway · 29/08/2020 18:37

Obviously I don't know the full context of the conversation with your Fil, or who else was in the room at the time. If your DW was not present I could understand why you said my. My DH and I both equally own our house, however if I am talking to a friend I would say ,for example " Shall we meet at my house?", If I said 'our house' I think it would be quite confusing. My husband bought both our cars, but I would tell someone " I can give you a lift in my car " not " Do you want a lift in my husband's car." . It is surely just a figure of speech.

VintageStitchers · 29/08/2020 18:39

Whether FIL was unreasonable depends on Italian law.
Presumably if your wife dies first, the property won’t pass to you?

russelhobbs · 29/08/2020 18:50

He was being rude to say that in front of other people, but I agree with the sentiment. Our house, or her house.

The 50K is irrelevant, unless it's the full amount and came only from your earnings (and you oversaw the purchase and building without your FIL's input).

zafferana · 29/08/2020 18:50

So the land belongs to FIL and the house belongs to you and your wife? Were you really able to build a house for £50k? If not, it's part your FIL and MIL's too, so 'my house' is not only factually incorrect, it's a bit obnoxious and I'm a bit Hmm that you'd refer to the house in that way. In future, I'd refer to it as 'our house', but give an old man the benefit of the doubt. No doubt he thinks of 'your house' as his DD's and the other one is his DS's.

IseeIsee · 29/08/2020 18:59

I am married to someone from a similar culture. Your FIL has no interest in you as you are not family and it doesn't matter if you are married 5 years or 50. Highly doubt the property is or will ever be in your name which is why he was probably offended you said my house. Even if you said our house he probably would have been offended as it is his house which he will probably leave to his Children. If you and your wife are happily married then you can enjoy your retirement there. If you are not, then your wife will be enjoying her retirement there alone.

daisychain01 · 29/08/2020 19:03

Is FIL normally prickly with you or do you have a cordial relationship with him? Sounds a strange thing for him to get upperty about, as he went into the project of his own volition, you haven't exactly dragged him kicking and screaming by the sound of it...

daisychain01 · 29/08/2020 19:06

Yes gods, reading some of the responses, I couldn't be arsed with the hustle of having to walk in egg shells over it all. Exhausting!!

Shizzlestix · 29/08/2020 19:11

Like the French system maybe? You have to leave it to your child? So it is hers, not yours, in law? I don’t think it’s a huge deal, particularly with a history of a poor relationship with your fil.

category12 · 29/08/2020 19:16

Seriously you put £50K in and have never seen any documents?!

Shockingstocking · 29/08/2020 19:23

I think you were tactless and he was irascible.

Maybe he feels vulnerable about this in some way.

SquashedSpring · 29/08/2020 19:43

Your fil bought the land and you and your wife contributed to the cost of the house. You haven't even looked at the documents, so I would presume that you have had little to do with all the work and stress of organising the building of it?

Then your fil sees you turning up and referring to it as 'my house' with no mention of his daughter. Can you not see why he might feel a bit put out?