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AIBU?

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Original poster

FIL says he's offended. Is he right?

153 replies

dustyparadeground · 29/08/2020 16:16

So, UK husband with Italian wife. 41 years together. FIL and MIL in Italy have bought land and FIL and BIL built a large villa outside Rome. Basically it is 2 semi detached houses that Italian parents apparently often do called a "bifamiliare" one house for my BIL to live in and one for my wife and I to use when we go and possibly live in when we retire. Obviously very generous although there was no discussion about it, it was simply presented as a fait accompli. Which I have always thought a bit weird. So we visited last month and I happened to refer to it as "my house" and my FIL instantly said "wasn't I ashamed to call it my house? I should at least just say my wife's house" We were in public with a few others from extended family so subject was changed. However this has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now. Especially as we have ourselves sunk 50K into this project. I should just add he was certainly quite cogent and aware of what he was saying at the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
QuestionMarkNow · 29/08/2020 16:57

@dustyparadeground, it doesnt matter where you got married or what the law says!!

Your FIL expects something because thats the law THERE and is, somehow, expecting the same rules to apply in th UK.
Just like you expect HIM to NOW that afyer 40 years of marriage, this is something you own together (and thereforeits him who HAS TO be rude....)

You wont understand your FIL comment until you have tried to understand how things are normally working in Italy. Talk to you DW.

AuntyPasta · 29/08/2020 16:59

Unless there are differences in language I think it fairly rude to say ‘my house’ and not ‘our house.’

QuestionMarkNow · 29/08/2020 16:59

Btw you cant blame your FIL if you havent quite understood what the deal is if you have never asked any questions right at the start, nor have you seen legal documents, seen the deeds. I mean would you ever have done that in the UK??

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 17:00

So what does your wife think to you refering to this house as YOUR house?

QuestionMarkNow · 29/08/2020 17:01

@AuntyPasta, my gardn parents were married but had totally separated finaces (in France).
They always talked about HIS house or HER house because thats exactekly what it was. Not all countries have a system where everything goes in the common pot once you are married. Just like in the UK, if people are only partners and not married, a house is HER house or HIS house depending on the name on the deeds. Even if they have been living together for 40 years.

In which case, its not rude. Its just a statement of fact....

Cocomarine · 29/08/2020 17:02

41 years of marriage doesn’t = my, it = our. So that’s no excuse on your side.

Again - WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE SAY?

Why would a bunch of strangers on the Internet be in a better place to comment on whether your FIL was rude, than his own daughter? Who may even have been there so caught the entire context and tone.

There is a backstory of a bad relationship. So this could be yet another example of FIL being a dick... or an understandable outcome of years of you acting The Big I Am, that has pissed him off. We don’t know.

Codexdivinchi · 29/08/2020 17:03

What did you actually give them £50,000 for? Was it a gift?

bridgetreilly · 29/08/2020 17:06

I tthink YABU to still be thinking about this weeks after it happened. Ignore him and move on.

AuntyPasta · 29/08/2020 17:07

In this case the house was built in Italy by an Italian father for his daughter. Her husband’s claim to it is as the husband of the owner. It’s definitely not his. It’s either ‘ours’ or ‘hers’.

Original poster
dustyparadeground · 29/08/2020 17:08

I wish she had overheard but she didn't. I told her and I did mention I was surprised to be reprimanded and she just put it down to general age and crankiness ...he's 86
No, this is more him than me acting the BIG I AM but you lot have got me thinking. Lol

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 29/08/2020 17:09

A lot of assumptions from you OP...you seem to presume that own things that you really might not own. What does your wife say? Tbh it’s v v presumptuous to assume that BIL has built you a retirement home without having a proper conversation about it.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 29/08/2020 17:13

No, this is more him than me acting the BIG I AM but you lot have got me thinking. Lol

You referring to it as ‘your’ house isn’t acting like the “BIG I AM”??

It’s not your house.

I would find it bloody rude if my partner referred to our house as his... and we’re not even married. You were rude. He corrected you. You think he was rude by doing so. End of.

But it’s not your house. And it’s good he corrected you.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 29/08/2020 17:13

I'm surprised that anyone would sink £50k into a house without having seen any paperwork.

QuestionMarkNow · 29/08/2020 17:18

And you didnt ask WHY he thought that way?
I mean after 40 years, you havent tried to understand and know how italian culture is working?

God, you make my vey desinterested DH look good in comparaison.

TW2013 · 29/08/2020 17:21

Not sure on the cultural angle but say I was out for a walk with friends but dh wasn't there, I might say to my friends 'do you want to come back to my house for coffee.' I would not say 'our house' unless dh was there. Even if I was renting, in that context I would say 'my house' because in English that would be understood as 'the place I currently reside in' rather than the property with my name on the deeds. If I was saying 'I can't wait for the building to be finished so I can move into my house' infront of dh that would be less acceptable. It might just be something which is lost in translation so maybe leave it to dw to sort out if it is raised again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2020 17:22

My wife just asked if we could match my BIL's contribution

But what was it presented as contributing to?

You write as if the idea of staying in/retiring to it was a surprise, but surely something must have been said about this at the planning stage - otherwise why contribute at all?

Flatpackback · 29/08/2020 17:22

I'll never cease to be amazed by the things people get offended about. No wonder there's so much "going NC" on Mumsnet.

HelpMeh · 29/08/2020 17:25

I can't imagine handing over £50k without knowing exactly what I was paying for?!

KitchenConfidential · 29/08/2020 17:26

You’ve sunk £50k into this and have no idea who owns what?!!

Everything about this story is insane.

GisAFag · 29/08/2020 17:31

A person has the right to feel offended. He was upset by a comment you made.

LonginesPrime · 29/08/2020 17:31

I have never seen any legal documents. I think that one house (one half of the whole villa) is owned by my (single) BIL and the other half by my wife. We are married (41 years) so I certainly feel like it's our house. But it would be kicking a wasp's nest to insist on seeing documents.

You put £50k into a property without being clear who owns it?

It sounds like you made a faux pas referring to it as your house when you actually have no idea whether it's yours or not.

JamieLeeCurtains · 29/08/2020 17:32

@KitchenConfidential

You’ve sunk £50k into this and have no idea who owns what?!!

Everything about this story is insane.

Yup.
merryhouse · 29/08/2020 17:38

Going off on a tangent, it really annoys me when my husband talks about "my house" or "my car" or "my mortgage"...

viques · 29/08/2020 17:41

I think I we need a picture of the villa so I we can decide if all this hassle is worth it.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 29/08/2020 17:47

I'm amazed someone would hand over £50k to their in-laws without security or legal papers protecting their investment, when they are still paying off a UK mortgage (sorry, completely off topic).

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