Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

Well if you can see what's on the credit card statements you will be able to see what he has spent some of the money on.

Of course he will tell you it isn't drugs/gambling/whatever. You sound rather naive.

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage Yes. He is an adult and this is nothing to do with them.

AIBU to not talk to them at all. What do you mean? Cut them off? Why?

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious. I wouldn't. I might ask him to fuck off for a bit though.

You are still being lied to. This man has lied to you for years and has become good at it. I wouldn't be able to move on until I knew the truth. I agree with PP that under no circumstances would I accept money from my own parents to bail him out.

He's still not being honest. You can't spend 30k on Macdonalds and Starbucks. He's hiding something. Funny there are no receipts or repeat things jumping out. Almost like he's doing cash in hand prostitute, drugs, gambling...?

I would walk away because it's going to cost 30k to get back to level, 30k with nothing to show for it. He's spent it and you're going to have to make cuts to pay it back, his children will have to go without to pay it back, and he can't come up with more than "it was an accident and I don't know what happened".

Sorry but this seems like the man going to A&E with a broom up his bum telling doctors that he tripped and fell. If youre honest with yourself, you know he's not being truthful. And if you want to overlook that it's up to you, but be honest with yourself. Good luck.

You need to know where £30k has gone so you both go through his bank and credit card statements. If all the bills go through your account does he pay towards them? You have two options. If he cannot afford debt repayments he could consider a DMP so the interest is frozen and payments affordable but that will mean him defaulting and if you have a joint mortgage that will affect your credit rating too. You could take over managing his money so he does not have access to any and make sure you do a Credit Karma check to see what is outstanding in case he forgot anything else. Tell his parents. He needs to feel ashamed and they have to stop enabling him by lending money or trivialising it. It is unacceptable and I would be cross at the dishonesty and affect this will have on your lives

I am in exactly the same situation with my DH. We have separate bank accounts and each take responsibility for 1/2 of the household bills (I pay more as have my DD and I get maintenance from her dad).
My DH had some debts when he spilt from his ex-wife but not unmanageable. Not once in 8 years we've been together has he said his outgoings are more than his incomings but I have bailed him out numerous times - covering full maintenance for his daughter when he was out of work, paying above and beyond of my fair share of bills, loaning him money etc.
He has now taken out an IVA to cover his debt - didn't discuss this as an option with me, wouldn't tell me how much he owed etc. Now discovered from looking at his emails - he owes £39k!! He said all along payments were £300 for 6 years - I have since found out that this increases to £600 in 3 years time when he stops paying hire purchase for his car. Bearing in mind in 3 years time our daughters will be older and we were planning to have a bit of a life / buy a caravan etc.
I am absolutely livid as can see our future plans not working out, I am fed up with bailing him out and whilst I am having to pay out more for household bills / bailing him out, my DD is missing out when my earnings should be going on her.
Now got to the stage, where I have my own secret savings account and moving on with my life - just bought a moped outright and paying for me and my DD to go to Paris next year for her 18th.

Don't honestly know what the long term outlook is for me and DH at the moment.

FFS for the umpteenth time it does not HAVE to be drugs, gambling or prostitutes or even Aliens!
I have/had no interest in any of those things when I ran up a similar amount of debt

Don't bail him out. His debt. His responsibility. He's an adult and he needs to sort it out

Do not let your parents bail him out. Total and utter waste of their money

Check your credit rating. If it's been negatively impacted you need to sort that

If the address your husbands debts are linked to , is changed (to his parents address eg) I think after 3 years, your own credit rating will improve.

No idea how you stop him doing this again. No idea how you stop your FIL's manipulative behaviour

I wish you luck, OP

To run up a debt of 30k over 5 years, you would need to be overspending £115 per WEEK in excess. That's not just a couple of Costa coffees - that's seriously overestimating your 'spends'.

The man, if some sort of gormless idiot, with no vice, is spending £115 a week, that he doesn't have.
If he's pure as the driven snow, I'd be looking at the transactions as to whether they may be where he could have received cash back (in order to hide cash withdrawals).
£115 a week on a coke habit is reasonable if he only did it on weekends or something.

@Howallergic

To run up a debt of 30k over 5 years, you would need to be overspending £115 per WEEK in excess. That's not just a couple of Costa coffees - that's seriously overestimating your 'spends'. The man, if some sort of gormless idiot, with no vice, is spending £115 a week, that he doesn't have. If he's pure as the driven snow, I'd be looking at the transactions as to whether they may be where he could have received cash back (in order to hide cash withdrawals). £115 a week on a coke habit is reasonable if he only did it on weekends or something.

You wouldn’t, interest on a standard card could be 26%

Well then he's a fucking idiot and I wouldn't bail him out one red cent.

Either way, I'd be getting rid. Twit can't do adulting.

3000 not paid off for 10 years becomes over £8000

Not sure why you are going to your parents about it. What age are you both? You and your DH are adults aren't you? Do your parents need this level of involvement in your affairs. Are you both like 21 or 22yrs old maybe?
Go and seek professional advice from a Debt management organisation. Get an appointment and both you and your DH go and bring all the printouts.
Your DH has been running rings around you and taking you for a complete fool. Not only that but he has put the roof over your head in jeopardy. If he plays the 'poor me it's because I'm depressed' then make him an appointment with his GP and get a referrall for him.
Ask him for access to his accounts online or you will leave him.
This is the only way it'll work. You are going to your parents because you want to 'tell on' your DH and get a grown up to help you discipline him.

Op, how long has he been building this up for? It sounds like he’s simply been living beyond his means. Buying repeatedly what he can’t afford on credit, be it coffees, meals out, nights out, clothes, tech whatever.

It can actually add up, say he’d been at it for five years, that’s six grand a year max, prob less due to interest, it’s like five hundred quid a month over spend, a hundred or so a week, idiotic in the extreme, but it’s wholly possible.

And you need to think about how your home is split. If you both own the whole of your house then your house could be taken to pay his debt.
If you have it so that you own 50% and he owns 50% (can’t remember what it’s called ) they can’t touch your half.
Seriously, you need to secure your finances, house etc for you and your children.
Think about their inheritance.

I would leave him would be unforgivable for me.

Before you can help you need to know why. Then ask yourself if remortgaging for example is the right thing to do.. Yes it would clear the debt but that might not be the solution, he could look upon any financial help as a reason to get in debt again (even though he will say he'll ever do it again) I think he needs to take responsibility for what has happened, maybe an IVA is the way to forward. Not you or parents helping him out.
I'd forgive the first time but no way more than that.

People are accusing the OP of being naive and seem certain that it must be prostitutes/drugs/gambling, partly because MN likes to jump to the worst possible scenario and only the most dramatic answer must be true.

Actually it’s posters here who are being naive. It’s incredibly easy to build up a lot of debt and in a quick time.

If you borrow 5K on a credit card for instance and only pay the minimum payment every month that 5K will have gone up by thousands by the end of the year. Do that with a couple of cards and your debt has spiralled out of control.

Some credit cards have a 26% APR, add that up over five years and you can end up with 30K of debt having only borrowed around 7k.

If he’s not spending on a habit or addiction then he’s as thick as mince which is equally as bad.
I’d want to know where every penny of that 30k had gone. Fine tooth comb comes to mind.

Personally I'd leave him and take the kids - it's unlikely he'll get better. I'm sorry but I feel that is the genuine truth. Absolutely no way would I take my parents money to bail him out unless they were very rich and wouldn't miss it - but bailing him out will be the same as chucking it away, it'll never be enough (in my experience). I wouldn't however considering borrowing from my parents to sort out a place for myself and my DCs (but no DP/DH) if they were willing.

It probably is interest that has got out of control, but without wanting to be over-dramatic, is it possible he is being blackmailed over something, OP? I hope you manage to sort this out between you. It s a horrible situation to be in.

You need to work out what he has been spending this money on. Sit down, with your husband, and go meticulously through his credit / bank statements for the last year and tally up spending on everything - eating out, clothes, gadgets, trips , whatever . If it’s not some dark secret vice, then it’s down to him living beyond his means. But you need to clarify why he’s doing that. Is he indulging himself constantly? Is he trying to keep up with friends - paying for meals and drinks etc? Or is he paying for family things - and not wanting to face up to the fact that you are, collectively, living beyond your means?

If you don’t understand his spending habits and address the underlying reasons, you’ll be back here in the same situation in the future. If he’s subsidising family life, then addressing it will mean you all have to draw your horns in.

How much family financial planning do you do as a team?

It will mean ‘defaulting’ on the debt (sounds scarier than it is)
as handsoffisback
said.
I had about £15k debt and did deals with MBNA and 5 others. First I would get threatening phone calls after I defaulted, but you have to default to get to the next stage of getting some written off. They would ring at 7pm while I was bathing kids..... anyway, once through that, and hold your nerve... you get to really nice people who help you arrange a settlement figure, which for my biggest debt of £7grand and nearly half was interest put on after the default, was £1200, started at £1500 but was reduced by a kind woman when I told her one of my kids had run up a big phone debt. This stays for 6 years on your credit rating, then back to normal. My main advice is HOLD YOUR NERVE, they threaten, cajole etc, but don't give in. If he has no assets they can't do anything. I didn't at the time, get the house in a trust for his half or something... have no idea really about that but find out. You could settle this £30grand for a lot less.

P.s... through all this I kept my main bank and main credit card as just didn't mention.

another ps. My debt was not on me, my ex gave no money for the kids etc, bills, nothing. I wanted them to have a normal life , swimming lessons etc and a holiday abroad, clothes!! I got interest free cards, which I paid off. Then it got hard to get them so once I had no access to interest free I couldn't pay them. If interest free had carried on, I would have carried on paying.

My first thought is gambling which is my experience in banking is very common and persons go to great lengths to hide and won’t admit to their family

You need to go through all his statements for last few year with a fine tooth comb

Getting parents to bail this out is a bad idea. You don’t know if the root problem is or can be addressed and if your marriage will survive. This could be yours and your siblings inheritance and you don’t want to throw good money after bad until you work out his ability to not run this up again.

Well he's spent it on something. Until you know what I wouldn't let your parents bail him out.

What time period are we talking about?