Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

*Really... cocaine.... i have already said I have asked him about drugs, drink and gambling.
**
*I think it’s more like someone said with interest, it seems like he has taken out cards to cover another and then just didn’t stop spending

That's no less concerning though - whether it's an addiction to drugs, gambling, escorts or spending money he doesn't have, the underlying behaviours and mindset needs to be addressed if you're actually going to move on from this and not be stuck being controlled by his irresponsible behaviour forever.

If you fix the debt without examining the underlying causes that led to this situation it will just happen again.

And since you're planning on staying with him, OP, that means that if he doesn't address his underlying issues, you'll be carrying his mental load and supervising his spending for the rest of your life. If you want a partner and not another child, he needs to be honest with you and face the truth.

Unless he will agree to full transparency, including cutting up all the cards & handing over everything he earns for you to allocate towards paying off debts & contributing to household finances, I would end the marriage. I ended up in loads of debt because my then husband was blowing in all his money & then using my credit cards to pay for everything else. We split up & now ten years later I still can't get credit because I couldn't afford to pay the debts due to losing my job due to ill health & being on benefits, even though all my outgoings are paid months in front because I went in to default & got a couple of CCJ's meaning I can't get a mortgage even though I can afford the payments & am stuck in social housing.

Is he actually employed? I wodered if he lost his job and didn't tell you, and is using this money to pretend everything's ok.

My exh still hasn't changed, ds tells me he still spends loads on crap & when he was in hospital for an extended time ds was sorting his post & showed me all the red reminders for unpaid bills.

Absolutely do not let your parents pay off his debt.

Leave him! Jesus

I found my husband had debts (loan credit card and over drafts) I didn't know about and also spent on nothing but normal expenses. No gambling / drugs / etc.

I have to admit I do feel partly responsible as I probably knew we were spending more than our income but denied it.

But looking back when he paid for meals out it food shopping I should of realised we couldn't afford that level of spending.

I think you can move past this. My husband and I have terrible spending habits but I feel as if I have more control over our loans etc.

I also earn more so that helps me keep on top of it.

Oh and if his statements say PayPal or whatever then it's very likely he transfers money to PayPal and then onto the gambling sites. Check his PayPal account

Even if you cut up the cards he can still get another one delivered to a different address, or use the card number online. You need professional help with this. Don't let your parents bail him out, contact one of the debt organisations and follow their advice.

£30k is too much money to accept he doesn't know what he spent it on. That's what my teenage son would say.

Time for him to grow the fuck up and go and work out what he actually spent it on and tell you. Whether that is being Mr Generous paying for things he shouldn't, buying a car/insurance he can't really afford, spending lots on work lunch/costa coffees every day. Saying he doesn't know where it has went is either lying (and it has been spent on gambling/drugs) or he is living way beyond his means. Either way he (not you) needs to work that out sharpish, explain himself and how he expects it to stop.

Without a believable explanation the trust is irrecoverable and the marriage is doomed to, a long drawn out, failure. I've seen it before with BIL, his wife had £40k of debt she said she couldn't (wouldn't!) explain. He remortgaged the house to pay it, determined to keep the family together, but 3 painful, skint years later he couldn't stand the pressure from worry it would happen again and they split.

Also pay for an Experian credit report in his name. That should show ALL loans and credit cards.

I think you're being naive. £30k doesn't just get spent on nothing. Clearly it's gambling or drugs. Probably not drugs and you'd probably notice his character change but probably gambling.

In my dad's case it was art supplies, and champagne tastes on beer wages. (Until he became an alcoholic, and then it was a drug addiction, but before that it was just overspend). It doesn't have to be anything more sinister than that. If I was contemplating buying something and wondering if I could afford it he was always the one to say 'oh well it's only a tenner' which does not answer the question 'can I afford it' although in his head it does.

As Mr Micawber said to David Copperfield 'Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.' You only have to be a little bit over budget to get into debt and if you want to pay that debt off you then have to be consistently under budget until it's all gone. Some people just cannot manage that. It'll be a bit of money on a magazine subscription, a few CDs because they don't cost much, a nice present for someone because it's their birthday after all. 'Little' treats here and there add up substantially.

Of course it could be cocaine but the reality may be much more mundane.

The first thing I would want is total honesty from him and "I don't know what I've spent it on" isn't it. The second thing is him demonstrating willingness to take responsibility for his actions and coming up with plans himself. By all means point him in the right direction but he has to do the hard work, not just expect you and your parents to sort it out for him.

Gosh this is a tough situation for you. I have a debt before meeting my Ex but knew all about it and I managed it well myself. I got advice and had a plan.

This is not your situation, your DH is not managing it at all, he’s also lied to you, and it’s also both your money for your family.

You need to take care of yourself and your family, but not DH. He has to change and it is not clear if he is willing or able. I am not sure if his parents will be helpful or not? Some parents may just hinder. Only you know if they would be helpful to bring in. It is very good that you have told your parents as you need support.

He can get the debt under control with a management plan - go to citizens advice, or also Moneysavingexpert has great advice. At this stage, if I were you, I would ‘take over’ and suggest a way forward, such as:

• you both get a financial plan with advice. DH should be the most impacted financially by this - family money to be protects as much as possible.
• DH is open with all bank accounts and either makes all passwords available or you put everything if your name for a time.
• open up a credit check account - where you can see how much the debt has impacted and how credit worthy DH and you if you are impacted.
• DH gets specific help like counseling in order to work through any issues he has that have developed this debt in the first place.

If he doesn’t agree, then I’d be seriously thinking of leaving.

30k??????
Oh op that's such a lot of money to pay off! I feel so bad for you. For me, it's unforgivable and I couldn't see past this. This will hinder your life for so so long and it'll be constant reminders.

@growinggreyer

Even if you cut up the cards he can still get another one delivered to a different address, or use the card number online. You need professional help with this. Don't let your parents bail him out, contact one of the debt organisations and follow their advice.

If you have a credit check website account - that he signs up for but that you can look at - you can see whether he’s applied for any credit cards and whether he has missed payments.

If you are going to try to work it out then don't let your parents pay anything off. If it doesn't work out and you split up with half the debt in your name, then is the time for them to bail you out.
If they help now half of what they give you will be lost on his share of the debts if you split.

When my dad was depressed he racked up similar levels of debt (adjusting for the decades between) because spending was a quick high.

This isn't something that can be fixed with determination. He needs help, but not from you. He needs professional help.

Tell his parents how bad it is, but do not expect them to be on your side.

I’ve only read the OP’s updates, sorry if I’m repeating something.

Yes, a second pair of eyes is a good idea re your parents helping. If they want to help financially because of your DS tell them to open savings accounts for the DS and put some money there. If they do that don’t let your DH, or his family, know about it.

Really... cocaine.... i have already said I have asked him about drugs, drink and gambling

Op you say this but he's lied to you continuously . Why do you believe him now?

Well, yes, why would a husband who conceals debts consider telling the truth about porn, gambling, drugs or prostitution?! If the debts is hard enough to admit to, I can’t imagine how difficult confessing to the other vices would be!

I work as a debt advisor and would strongly suggest gettin touch with Stepchange or National Debt Line. They'll help put together a realistic budget and let you know what options there are.

you need to find out where the money has gone. It can't have gone on nothing. look at the credit card statements. you can pull them up online going back years. He's lied about this so he's probably lying about gambling or another woman

@Beckixox

I don’t want them to turn him away, but I don’t want them to wrap him up and say it’s ok, don’t worry and not actually come up with sensible solutions. There first and option option was an IVA without looking at any figures or statements.

Really... cocaine.... i have already said I have asked him about drugs, drink and gambling.

I think it’s more like someone said with interest, it seems like he has taken out cards to cover another and then just didn’t stop spending.
In my eyes leaving would be too easy, marriage is a partnership and requires work from time to time. If he’s unwilling to work at it then I would leave xx

But even if it was interest on cards taken out to cover debts those original debts it still indicates consistent overspending on something to constantly need to keep moving the debt and accruing more interest. Plus when you originally move a debt its usually possible to find a short term interest free facility. I really think there's more at play than interest.

However, irrespective of that you have two choices. Forgive and fix (which would include serious financial monitoring) or run for the hills.

I was inadvertently paying my exes debts as we had separate bank accounts on his say so. When we split he had all sorts if credit cards. I wonder why big expenses always fell to me

I think he needs to bail himself out or hell never fucking learn. Tell him to get another job and all that goes directly toward debt until it's paid off.