Serious? Do men know the slightest about women

[Gothamgirl1970]

Posting here for traffic and opinions.

As it’s 3 am and I am posting it’s because I simply am perplexed and need the hive mind.
Dating apps: presumably a person joins up because they would like to meet someone for company, to find love, just a shag or probably 100 other reasons I can’t contemplate this late.
I’m not sure if this holds true for all age groups but what I’ve observed is in men 46-58. In the profile area you can post some photos if you wish. A lot of men do but write no bio which tells me nothing and essentially they are just a body.
Here’s my serious question. Approximately 60% of men with photos lead the opening photo of themselves In Lycra gear with a helmet and sunglasses on, a bit of mud displaying their bicycle with pride. In many cases all 3 photos will be man and bike. Mid flight, crossing some finish line etc.
I know lots of women who are also befuddled by why a man would think bike photos would interest any woman in him at all. Shouldn’t they put a photo that shows the face, and is in a friendly happy pose?
What is it these cycle mad men are trying to convey? I cycle most of the time so I won’t have any time to spend with you? I want a woman who will cycle with me ? Look at my bike it’s impressive? I look decent in Lycra?
Please help. My friends and I are dying to know why they do this and what they are trying to communicate and further who are they thinking they can attract with this?

AIBU to not have to look at literally hundreds of cycling photos?

@Gothamgirl1970

There’s definitely that sense on OLD of men not making effort because tomorrow is a new day with more swipes. I used to think these men are so going disregard so many nice women & in the hope of what?

The other day on Hinge I saw on a guys profile “I want a girl who.....can find room for herself between my weights, bike equipment and techy stuff....good luck 🤷🏻

THIS too. I found a lot of profiles seemed to be screaming “I’m on here but I don’t want a girlfriend” ... All the above as per PP wrote, plus “you need to know my two amazing kids will always come first in my life” & “I travel for work ten months of the year” & “I love travelling; I am going to Thailand for six months” & “I am so amazing with so many hobbies and friends I may have time for a date next month” —& then, yup, cycling fanatics!!

I think the big bellies are the way to go - they may have time to date!

@DancingCatGif would you initiate communication with a man in disguise with no bio? What would be the draw to do so?

If a 50 year old man has friends and/or family that spy on him on the internet to see what he’s up to or on a dating site the boundaries point is moot. That ship left the dock years ago because he never established boundaries and they don’t respect him

I also found out the word separated has a different definition depending who you ask.

It can mean we filed for divorce 4 years ago live apart for years have a decree nisi and the absolut will be with me in 2 weeks

Or

Well technically we are married but we sleep in different rooms and I plan to file soon

We filed but agreed to live together for the next 8 years until our youngest goes to university

Technically we aren’t separated but we haven’t had sex in 5 years so in my mind I’m divorced

And many more definitions

One take on it: A lot of shy boys get passed over by girls at schools in favor of the athletic, assertive, confident, types. A generalization perhaps, but you can usually pick out the boys who will have had a girlfriend (or multiple) pre-university and those who won’t. At least that was the case in the 80s/90s perhaps it’s changed now.

Of course those 3/4 teenage years are small fry in context of a 60+ year adult life, but it does make a psychological mark. So when those boys grow up and they do have an alright car/bike and they are making decent money and they do get some more confidence they decide to start playing the part they couldn’t in their formative years. “Hey look at me now”.

@Gothamgirl1970 no, I wouldn't. But I wouldn't do online dating in general.

It's less to do with people spying and more that people you know are likely on there. I just don't find that thought appealing at all.

@DancingCatGif

Your post is so true! It did make me laugh

@DancingCatGif you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. I think women are judged much more harshly too in every eared of life.

@Angelofdeath I went out with someone exactly like that once too. I dumped him. He was a nightmare. Some of them are “institutionalised” bachelors & so heavily invested in their single life that they think a “relationship” means working a woman around their 7 nights a week social life, weekends away with friends, and doing what the hell they want, but with the prestige of saying that they have a girlfriend to their friends.

Needless to say, this guy is still single too!

If I was back in the dating game, one of the main characteristics I'd be looking for is a man into sports. Much more likely to be healthy physically and mentally, less likely to be lazy, and well, fitter! So yes, would much prefer a pic of Aman in lycra than a shot of a face.

@Gothamgirl1970

Thanks everyone for being gentle with me while I try to navigate this new world.

I’m learning lots of other new things I never knew (I don’t have kids to keep me current)

Ethical non monogamy was something I had never heard of. It’s not for me but it seems to be working out for people who are less uptight than me.

Separated can mean anything from I wish I was divorced to the decree absolut is expected and the former spouse lives in another country.

Some people put photos that include their children which seems to me to not be safe or sensible.

Some of the gents seem to have a canned intro message they use with everyone.

The anonymity I think makes folks more bold in their questions and communication which I don’t know if they would communicate in person.

It’s amazing I get nearly identical initial intros: something like “are you really 50? Or you look great for 50” Botox is the secret.

And I have been asked several times how much I weigh. I find this amusing and rude at the same time. Amusing because men seem to have no concept of an appropriate weight. So they will ask how tall I am (which is on my profile “ just on 5’8. And then they tell you the weight that is the top weight they will accept in a woman. It’s ranged from 48-50kg (if that was my weight I’d be headed likely to an anorexia unit) to 100kg which means I’d need a serious diet because I’d be exceptionally over weight. Weight does seem to be a big deal!

Are you seriously asked for your weight?! That's so rude and objectifying. WTF does that! It's like being at the cattle market and you're the cattle.

@Angelofdeath

I just don't like people knowing my business. I can't explain it better than that. I'm not interested in discussing my dating life with friends (I mean I'm married now but before.) The thought of the man in the corner shop saying "I see you're on that Tinder now, love" makes me want to vom.

Having said that, I do live in a place with notoriously nosy bastards!

[quote Gothamgirl1970]@Angelofdeath I get the exact same thing. I’m going to post a photo with my head cut off from when I did this (now deleted profile it was just way too shallow and bizarre but maybe I will try again) and actually had 2 reject me for being too large. I remember being gobsmacked and wondering what was he expecting smaller to look like[/quote]
I'm amazed you've been rejected for being too large. Those people must only date anorexics.

@Angelofdeath

DancingCatGif Can I ask why it would bother you if somebody you know saw you? (Not being sarky just interested)

My family all think it's hilarious that I'm on there, none if them are single tho, & when I pointed out that I'm a single parent & every evening I'm sat at home alone, my site has a chat forum & gives me some online company in the evenings so where's the harm? ... They all went quiet.

I would think some jobs might make you feel a bit uncomfortable, say a teacher who has been spotted by a parent or even an older or ex pupil. Or a social worker spotted by a person you work with, etc.

Plus some people just feel a bit self conscious trying to put up their ‘best’ photos and write something meaningful about themselves in an attempt to market themselves. Not everyone has lots of self confidence.

I can understand why you wouldn’t be interested in someone who doesn’t have a bio but surely that would apply to anyone, not just a cyclist?

Likewise if a woman had a passion for fencing and all her photos were of her fencing in the kit with her head totally covered and no bio I don’t think many men would be interested in that.

Really not analogous!

Fencing 🤺 is niche. In fencing gear you look like a giant bee keeper with new sense of the person.

Cycling 🚴‍♂️ is mainstream. And you get to see the body, legs and arms (phwoar )

@Cam77 you got my sweet spot. I do love a bit of Jung in the morning (or most anytime) and I am in violent agreement with one modification.

Yes this subgroup was not in the popular group at school and did not get to enjoy or experience the social benefits afforded and in fact lavished on those teens. Additionally they wished wanted dreamed and hoped to either find a way into that status as a teen, and when that didn’t occur the I’ll show them ethos was born.

Now through this platform you are absolutely right they get to adopt the role they never had and rewire and rewrite the narrative with themselves in the hero/athlete/popular role in a subconscious way of resolving the emotional pain that being an outsider wounded them with that they have carried for decades.

Here’s the modification: without conducting this healing activity by recreation of a hurtful event without a professional the biggest thing that won’t let that wound heal through replay is the huge resentments the person has been carrying around for decades in their belief that it should have been them that was a popular teen that they were somehow robbed of that place of social standing. So the replay won’t be authentic enough to heal because years ago the popular teen carried no resentments. He was living the life that was his, not emulating someone else.

So although these grown men now ‘are showing us who is top, who is the prize, who is desirable’ the resentment is still there and is redirected in sarcasm negging or even insulting the very audience (women) he needs to revere him which will allow him to resolve the teen issues he’s been carrying basically his whole life.

I see your Jung and raise you Carl Rogers

Man holding fish - “look, I have a hobby that involves sitting on a river bank every weekend whilst you prepare me hot meal for my return”

Man dressed in golfing gear - “I have a hobby that takes over my whole life, if you don’t like golf then we won’t be spending much time together”

Man in Lycra on bike - “look how fit I am, I like to hold up traffic at the weekend and would like someone to admire me in Lycra and tell me how amazing I look for my age”.

Man holding a pint - “I spend most nights in the pub with my mates, I might make time for you as long as my mates agree”.

Man holding child - “look at what an amazing dad/grandad I am, I can hold a child and make it smile”.

I hate online dating but have been on and off it for many years, I’m yet to meet anyone who is remotely like they make out to be in their profile and most look nothing like their photos.

Wow, am I ever glad I’m a gay woman! We do t tend to travel these problems...

Don’t

We are like show homes. Manicured lawns, perfectly positioned and well decorated.
Men are like a renovation job. 'Has potential 'good first investment

But actually, aren't women the mugs here? Isn't it better to have a 'take me as I am' attitude rather than forcing ourselves to jump through endless hoops to match up to some imaginary concept of physical perfection?

Dating sites are hilarious. I'm on a few over 50's ones with quite honestly no hope of meeeting anyone nice.
I have put on a very glamorous slim picture of me with very blond hair and a waist length hair piece looking fantastic, not really the truth if I'm honest
God the awful messages I've had from absolute frogs and losers with no hope whatsoever of ever getting a date with me in their wildest dreams.
But they don't care, they all think I will fall at their feet.
I should take my pics off really because I'm not interested in dating anymore but it make me laugh reading the shit they send me.
Where do they get this confidence and sense of entltlement from?

I think the cycling photos, are OK - I like sport and would be more attracted to a fit, healthy man doing sport. However, when you see a photo of the ageing, puffy face attached to the body, you usually realise its to make themselves seem younger and fitter than they actually are!

Still preferable to the photos men online dating post where I am - lots of photos of men sticking their tongues out, or holding cans of beer. I'm from Aberdeen. After 2 weeks, I've given up Internet dating completely as it's just too depressing. Most of the men look terribly old for their supposed ages. I tried to suggest meeting up with two of the slightly more reasonable ones, after they initiated chat, one was too scared to travel on public transport (didn't own a car) and the other thought it too cloudy to meet for a walk in the park! Any others that initiate chat soon start asking "do you have any more pics" (obviously angling for nude/semi nude images) despite my having multiple varied photos up. A lot of them write in some special language - it's all "wanna" and "coulda", as if they can't be bothered using proper words. I can't put myself through that!

I think some people are really over thinking this!