Serious? Do men know the slightest about women

[Gothamgirl1970]

Posting here for traffic and opinions.

As it’s 3 am and I am posting it’s because I simply am perplexed and need the hive mind.
Dating apps: presumably a person joins up because they would like to meet someone for company, to find love, just a shag or probably 100 other reasons I can’t contemplate this late.
I’m not sure if this holds true for all age groups but what I’ve observed is in men 46-58. In the profile area you can post some photos if you wish. A lot of men do but write no bio which tells me nothing and essentially they are just a body.
Here’s my serious question. Approximately 60% of men with photos lead the opening photo of themselves In Lycra gear with a helmet and sunglasses on, a bit of mud displaying their bicycle with pride. In many cases all 3 photos will be man and bike. Mid flight, crossing some finish line etc.
I know lots of women who are also befuddled by why a man would think bike photos would interest any woman in him at all. Shouldn’t they put a photo that shows the face, and is in a friendly happy pose?
What is it these cycle mad men are trying to convey? I cycle most of the time so I won’t have any time to spend with you? I want a woman who will cycle with me ? Look at my bike it’s impressive? I look decent in Lycra?
Please help. My friends and I are dying to know why they do this and what they are trying to communicate and further who are they thinking they can attract with this?

AIBU to not have to look at literally hundreds of cycling photos?

There is a forum on the site I'm on, & looking back, probably once a month some man has started a thread about 'Women on here who say they are slightly over weight but technically they are larger than a hippo & just deluding themselves'.
Women generally answer with 'And? If you don't like it, move on'.

Except for man who doesn’t want to date an obese w woman, I guess he only get to move on once he’s wasted a date on her if her pictures are, let’s say, somewhat idealistic

@Chocaholic9 that’s exactly what technology has reduced interpersonal relationship to. It’s basically a look book of photos of people with very little info about them (if anyone reads it which they usually do not) or no information at all because it’s not mandatory: so the people that get a contact request get one because the person choosing them finds them at the most genteel attractive and at the usual reason which is the chooser deems them simply by a photo fuck worthy.

I’m not a prude or in a religious order and I enjoy intimacy very much but I have to know you and like you as a human being and find you interesting to be turned on enough to want to be physical no matter what your photo looks like.

@Aridane if weight is a huge sticking point for someone and they are worried about being duped and wasting time and money, for God’s sake use your brain and common sense and insist on a video call before a meet.

I have to say that I am so sad for the human race that we have become so shallow.

I’m 50 and have also given up online dating, as it’s a total waste of time!
My main observation has been that at our age neither males nor females want to “settle” for just anyone. But, in different ways. Females are more about not wanting a lazy man, or a man who might turn abusive. Whereas the men seem to care mostly about keeping all the bits of being single they love + sex. I’ve talked to many who will say “my ex never did this or that in the bedroom” and they feel they “deserve” to have all their sexual fantasies fulfilled. I do feel women are more prepared to allow a relationship to grow organically but men want what they want, and they want it now. If they don’t get it they move on.

'Yes this subgroup was not in the popular group at school and did not get to enjoy or experience the social benefits afforded and in fact lavished on those teens. Additionally they wished wanted dreamed and hoped to either find a way into that status as a teen, and when that didn’t occur the I’ll show them ethos was born.

Now through this platform you are absolutely right they get to adopt the role they never had and rewire and rewrite the narrative with themselves in the hero/athlete/popular role in a subconscious way of resolving the emotional pain that being an outsider wounded them with that they have carried for decades.

Here’s the modification: without conducting this healing activity by recreation of a hurtful event without a professional the biggest thing that won’t let that wound heal through replay is the huge resentments the person has been carrying around for decades in their belief that it should have been them that was a popular teen that they were somehow robbed of that place of social standing. So the replay won’t be authentic enough to heal because years ago the popular teen carried no resentments. He was living the life that was his, not emulating someone else.

So although these grown men now ‘are showing us who is top, who is the prize, who is desirable’ the resentment is still there and is redirected in sarcasm negging or even insulting the very audience (women) he needs to revere him which will allow him to resolve the teen issues he’s been carrying basically his whole life.

I see your Jung and raise you Carl Rogers'

This is so, so insightful. Thanks OP!

I think a lot of men lie about their age by at least 5 years. I have dated several that turned out to be a lot older, one by ten years. Obviously most men want a younger fitter looking woman so by taking a few years off their age they get more people looking at their profile. I’m 38 and usually my cut off line is 48, recently went on a couple dates with someone who I knew wasn’t the age he told me (47), after a bit off googling I found out he is 53, his excuse was “I wanted to protect my identity because I didn’t want people googling me and finding out I’m a millionaire” (well I found all this info without having his age).

Have also had met up with men that turned out not to be single at all.

It’s not rocket science, all previous relationships have failed.

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch most welcome. My 10 years at university getting more degrees than a thermometer finally has been used!

Weight can also go the other way, it's not always just enough to be slim or a case of 'i met her and she was fatter than her photos'.
there are men into pretty feet, love a nice bum, strong preference for big or small boobs, like to see a smile with (nice teeth).. these are serious turn ons for some physically but not always able to tell or clear from the pic.. i had a few guys ask me for a bum photo and one guy asked whether i have a big one (i didnt reply).. or what my bra size..

@Gothamgirl1970
An insightful reply. Yes, I agree it’s not a path to happiness or acceptance for men who take this path. But it’s useful to remember that men and women have equally complex emotional and psycholigcal histories. There’s long been a tendency to view men as “simpler” in their wants and needs than women. I don’t think that’s the case. More men got to prison rather than counseling, but the root cause of each result (counseling, prison) is I'm sure frequently the same complex unresolved stuff. I dislike some discourse around toxic masculinity because it’s always obsessed with eradicating symptoms rather than causes. Until you eradicate causes - one such cause would be society’s adulation of the physical alpha male/army/navy/sportsman type - the symptoms will forever present.

I think many men want to seem energetic and youthful TBH. Posing with their bike means to say "look at me ,Ive still got it!" And suddenly in their head they are a fit 20 something! Many men seem to prize weight/shape above all else! My B F met someone OLD ,and met up with them .They told her they had watched her for several minutes, walking along the street to the Restaurant and had decided she had "passed" the test of being "desirable"! Needless to say they hadnt and it was a swift date of Hello and Goodbye in about 10 mins! Bloody CF!

@Gothamgirl1970, I too at the age of 48 and widowed have started looking into this new way of dating via a computer and have found Lycra pics inclusive of sunglasses/helmet etc most off putting and am boggled at the multiple shots and nothing else, I spent far too long composing a profile which when I joined realised that the men hadn’t bothered at all, and this was a more elite site so had hoped for a more genuine experience.

Having spent the past 18 months comfort eating and gained some weight I’ve decided that as I don’t share The men in my preferred age brackets ideal size 10 Body wish list that I’m going to put on hold my search and hope to meet someone organically although how that happens when everyone’s constantly looking at their phones to notify them of someone “winking” at them is beyond me!

I’m sorry about your loss and wish you all the best moving forward.

Yes, we know the half women don't know about women.

The profiles? "I've-still-got-it" profiles?

I am a man. The men you describe come from a different planet to me and my friends.

The age thing pisses me off - I put my real age in - and on a good day look younger than my 51 years.

Only to get interest from people claiming to be 53 who are clearly closer to sixty? For example.

So I should lie about my age as well in order to get interest from guys closer to my age?

Only I don’t want to lie.

I think OLD is mainly shit and hope to meet someone IRL.

Nobody questioned that lumpy lout Weinstein and his model type wife.

Because he was rich and very powerful within a lucrative, glamorous industry.

I doubt anyone thought it was about anything else.

@Cam77 'But it’s useful to remember that men and women have equally complex emotional and psycholigcal histories. There’s long been a tendency to view men as “simpler” in their wants and needs than women. '

This is what I took from the OP's response. It helped me identify why I filmed certain types of men ridiculous, but also made me think about how I'm processing my own childhood trauma.

MN as free therapy: excellent.

'Filmed'? Find, obvs.

I'm not that creepy.

This my theory on your pics op: you have the most amazing body and are pictured in your work toilets with your work lanyard round your neck.

I think many men would think: "She is massively out of my league physically and a career high flyer who probably earns more than I do." They will also be twats who you wouldn't want anyway.

My dh loves running and cycling and if asked for a picture would give one of him running a marathon (he is very shy and hates being pictured so it would be the only one he had). He wouldn't be able to write a biog because he would feel like he was boasting.

Don't give up on the Lycra clad men op and ignore the idiots!

So I haven’t scratched the surface of the complete insanity I encountered in just a few days but after reading all the responses on my question about the cycling photos and again this is not localised to one man it was many many men here is what I have concluded.

There are women who like a cycle shot for various reasons from it being a shared hobby to the more primal and shallow how hot is his body. It can also be an indicator of the man’s interest and commitment to fitness.
However I conclude one photo is acceptable and in some cases desirable multiple ( and I just checked excel data I kept) there was 1 man with seven cycling photos which is compulsive and obsessive. It is good to have at least one other photo in a pedestrian type setting with some clean casual clothing and whilst sober which prevents you from seeming one dimensional and a person who is not well rounded.

Also from all the stories here and my own experience for me online dating is a complete waste of time and money, a woman is often written disgusting sexual messages and also negative remarks and questions about her body from a population of men that are mostly low value or damaged individuals with a few hidden diamonds. To me it’s counterintuitive to pay to receive porn messages or insults about my appearance so I quit because I have self respect.

I’m sure you may be wondering if I ever met anyone from that and if so what was the experience. After a bit more discussion I will provide that.

The part that niggles me is that I believe OLD to be a self confidence destroyer as well as potentially emotionally wounding a member of the platform but I don’t have a solution.
I haven’t dated in many years and frankly there has to be a better way to meet decent people face to face but I don’t know how it could be accomplished.
So what was your worst meeting experience?

I asked my DH and he said “what they’re trying to convey is that they’re young and active. They are hoping to score a younger woman”. No idea if he’s right or not, but seems plausible!

(I guess that’s why no clear headshot either... hard to hide the wrinkles if there are no sunnies or a helmet to obscure the “old” bits)

Guess the bike thing is better than posing with expensive car. Warning bells!

My friend dated a fun guy with big house and expensive car who treated her to expensive weekends away, presents and nice restaurants.

After a surprise date at a registrars office they wed only for her to find he was hopelessly in debt, car and house was rented and he was lazy twit.

Fast forward seven years, they divorced, she had to give him half of everything she worked so hard for, including her house and pension, and he is now on a dating site with a photo of his car and he is probably looking for another mug with her own home.