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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to smother 'D'H

175 replies

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:01

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down Hmm

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards Hmm even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

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merryhouse · 28/08/2020 19:04

Go to your mum's. So what if the children are here? So is their father.

(and remember, it's easier to leave while pregnant than to leave with a baby)

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:05

I more meant it like I feel bad because they've obviously heard us arguing and me shouting Sad and I don't want to upset them by storming out now as well. But tbh I can't even sit in a room with him anyway (he's downstairs with them) so I may as well.

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MissConductUS · 28/08/2020 19:05

Go on strike. Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry and see how he likes it.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:06

And to top this all off, 3 times a week, I leave work at 5pm and go to his work to help him with shit there 😂 I do all his admin, I deal with everything like his accountant, HMRC, tax, vat payments, emails etc...all whilst doing my own job. Like I literally couldn't be a more helpful fucking partner.

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Jenasaurus · 28/08/2020 19:09

Why not spend a couple of nights at your mums, have a rest and chill out, dont think of it as storming out, tell your DH you need to have a rest before the baby arrives and are taking advantage of the bank holiday weekend to do it. He can then spend time with his DC and clear up after them too, he may appreciate you more.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:09

When I asked him (very politely and calmly) if he could just do a couple of small things to help out (the mug, pockets, towel) he was literally pointing out things in the bedroom like 'you've left a water bottle on the bedside table' (one I use every night because I'm thirsty as fuck all the time being pregnant), there is a t shirt on the floor on your side of the bed (my folded pyjama top for putting on later) etc etc... It's like he can't take any sort of criticism at all and then tells me I'm the one who needs to grow up. He's a selfish fucking twat.

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MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:11

@Jenasaurus

Why not spend a couple of nights at your mums, have a rest and chill out, dont think of it as storming out, tell your DH you need to have a rest before the baby arrives and are taking advantage of the bank holiday weekend to do it. He can then spend time with his DC and clear up after them too, he may appreciate you more.
I'd just come home to a tip no doubt. Or possibly he'd clean the house to prove a point about how much tidier he is than me for the first time in a year
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HollowTalk · 28/08/2020 19:13

I think you need a couple of weeks at your mum's house. This has to hurt him. If you go there just for a night or two, you will just come back to a load of rubbish to tidy up. If you stay away for two weeks he will realise that he is the one making all that mess. It will put you in a much stronger position. If you act swiftly now then by the time the baby is born he might have completely changed personality, but I doubt it.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:15

I just don't get it. Like I'm not even asking for him to split shit equally with me. I'm literally asking for TINY amount of give from him. Like literally taking his used fucking dishes into the kitchen in the morning rather than leaving them in the leaving room for me to clean away.

Like how is that too much to ask?!

He tries to say things like 'you're the one with a messy car'... Like yeah okay my car isn't the cleanest... But I'm not talking about my fucking car you idiot.

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MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:16

Sorry I'm just ranting now.

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worksleep · 28/08/2020 19:16

He is probably jealous that you have a desk job and doesn't appreciate how that too is exhausting. Especially when you are pregnant. I have experienced similar treatment and honestly go away for a few days. It worked for me. You need to nip this in the bud before the baby arrives. Good luck!

Hotairballoop · 28/08/2020 19:17

Will only get worst once baby gets here so decide how much of doormat is acceptable to you. Not sure what you want because it’s clear you know what the issues are but you are willingly putting up with it.

TheHappyHerbivore · 28/08/2020 19:17

Honestly OP, leave him. It’s never ever going to get better, and with a baby on the way you absolutely do not need a man baby to care for as well.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/08/2020 19:17

You say DSC - so he doesn't do anything to look after his children? not even joint children but he considers them your responsibility.
Sounds like he wants and unpaid nanny housekeeper - sod going to your mums to shill out for a couple of days, I'd be moving out permanently & letting him look after his own kids. Presumably he has always been like this, did you not think about it before deciding to have children with him?
Take your pet with you if you can.

Acdcccc · 28/08/2020 19:17

I totally empathise with you as have been in your shoes, it will only get worse once baby arrives so it's crucial this gets resolved urgently.

I wish I could offer advice as to how but considering he won't even listen to you (his constant deflection implies he's not taking your concerns seriously) is not a good sign

I think a wee break apart might help him see just how much you do around the house AND his business

Odile13 · 28/08/2020 19:17

His behaviour is appalling. I think you know that! I have a special dislike for men who don’t do housework or childcare while also moaning that it’s easy. It sounds like he is massively taking you for granted in every area.

I would talk it through with him (which maybe you’ve already tried) and lay it all on the line. If no change, well, you’ll have to decide what actions you’re willing to take. I can’t imagine having such a selfish partner - think my head would explode if I was treated like that!

Horehound · 28/08/2020 19:19

You are a doormat. You should leave him now as this will get a million times worse when the baby is here.

Doesn't sound like he loves you, does it?

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:19

@worksleep

He is probably jealous that you have a desk job and doesn't appreciate how that too is exhausting. Especially when you are pregnant. I have experienced similar treatment and honestly go away for a few days. It worked for me. You need to nip this in the bud before the baby arrives. Good luck!
Yeah 100% he doesn't get it at all. I am mentally drained and because I'm sat in the house all day in also seeing things to do that I can't leave so like trying to tidy and clean around working because I can't bear to sit there and look at it all day.

He thinks I sit on my arse all day and just press a few keys on a keyboard. I work in law FFS it's really stressful and fast paced and mentally exhausting sometimes. He thinks because he works the extra hours and his is more manual than me that it just gets him off having to do anything because he's too tired.

I understand being too tired to go and do a big shop after a day at a manual job but like how can he say he is too tired to just put his towel on the bloody radiator?! It's nothing to do with tiredness it's fucking selfishness and lack of care.

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Horehound · 28/08/2020 19:21

Leave him leave him leave him.

FlabbyPirate · 28/08/2020 19:22

You aren't happy. He won't change and you'll be miserable and a shadow of yourself if you stay.
Go to your mums, calm down so you can think clearly. I hate to say it but make a plan for leaving him, he's not helping you whilst pregnant he certainly won't help with a new born.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:23

I would talk it through with him (which maybe you’ve already tried) and lay it all on the line

I have tried and all he does is deflect it onto me and tell me that I'm the untidy one, I don't know how to be clean, I make the mess Hmm like I'll hold my hands up, I am not the cleanest person ever (neither is he) but at least I actually make an effort to do something about it. At least I keep our dishes clean and clothes washed and food in our fridge. He just goes on the defensive and bangs on about how I don't understand how tired he is etc etc etc

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SummerHouse · 28/08/2020 19:24

Pockets, towels and mugs is a very low bar. I would go back to the drawing board. Tell him that it's important to you that you both feel responsible for housework and that you split it. Is there any jobs he prefers or does he just want a 50/50 split on everything? Take it or leave it you selfish, lazy, mean, insensitive bastard.

I am raging for you.

tenlittlecygnets · 28/08/2020 19:26

LTB

He sounds awful.

Then perhaps think about why you thought it was a good idea to have a dc with this last piece of shit.

RandomMess · 28/08/2020 19:26

Honestly I would work 7am until 5pm too so that gives you 2 hours per day to do house/pet stuff and sit down on your arse at 5pm too...

Wonder who will cook dinner???

No more helping with his work admin unless you do it 7-9am.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:26

I am going to go to my mum's actually. Because he wanted to go to work tomorrow morning meaning I would have watched the kids whilst he did. Shame he won't be able to now.

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