Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to smother 'D'H

175 replies

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:01

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down Hmm

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards Hmm even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon2 · 29/08/2020 05:38

Op, what would be best for you - continuing to live with a man who doesn't respect you or your time, cooking, cleaning and tidying for him and his children, and doing his business admin all the while being abused for not doing enough AND looking after yourself and your child, or just looking after yourself and your child?

Downside of leaving - lower income and less financial stability, less physical closeness, noone to hold/watch baby.

Upside of leaving- having self respect and not being treated like an unpaid servant every day for the next 20 years.

Seriously - and I say this reluctantly - leave.

beautifulmonument · 29/08/2020 06:25

I have no idea how anyone ends up in a relationship like this, where all the other person does is take take take. Why are you with him? Get out. He won't change.

bakedoff · 29/08/2020 07:01

He’s taking the absolute piss. He’s arguing about taking his own mug out? He thinks that’s your job?!? If he’s arguing about that then honestly, you are screwed. You’ve got zero hope. He’s an absolute waste. Do not look after his kids. How on Earth have you put up with this for so long? Why did his previous relationships end? I’m guessing this was a factor. Why don’t you find yourself somewhere else to live. Leave him to it. You can still have a relationship but leave him to live by himself for an extended period of time. Get yourself a nice one bed or two bed easy to maintain apartment. When the baby arrives he can do his share of childcare at his house while you go back to your own clean place for a break. He’s never going to change unless you make him be accountable for himself for an extended period of time

AngelaScandal · 29/08/2020 08:13

I'd be using the time you normally spend doing his tax etc making copies of everything so he can't shaft you on child support when you leave his lazy arse

Oh that’s EXACTLY what OP should do

KarmaStar · 29/08/2020 08:53

Hi op,you are asking too little of him.
But to be honest he sounds like too much hard work and perhaps it's time to call it a day.
You'll have a real baby to care for soon,you won't have time to pander to this man child and nor should you.
Get your finances etc quietly in order,decide where you want to live and then tell him it's over.I appreciate being alone with a new baby is very hard work but maybe your mum will help?
Good luck.Flowers

Capsulate · 29/08/2020 09:28

@Boscoismyspiritanimal

I'd be using the time you normally spend doing his tax etc making copies of everything so he can't shaft you on child support when you leave his lazy arse

Oh that’s EXACTLY what OP should do

I agree with this too! What an absolute twunt this guy is.

Also at a loss to understand how these absolute arse wipes manage to find new victims partners so easily.

Embracelife · 29/08/2020 10:05

Now you know why he is divorced...

Just stop doing stuff for him
What does he do for you?

Go to your mum s leave him to it. Tske three weeks
It will only get worse wirh a baby

SecretDoor · 29/08/2020 10:06

Think back to when you first met. How did you get together? Did he have any energy then to do anything? What attracted you to him? Surely he wasn't like this then?

AntiHop · 29/08/2020 11:46

I hope you're feeling rested now you're at your mum's op. Your h is a selfish man child.

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2020 11:56

Unless he has some SERIOUSLY redeeming qualities, leave. It won’t get better. If he can’t help you when you’re carrying his child, he’s not going to be an equal parent or partner in life.

I’m sorry, but you need to think seriously about your future living with someone like him.

Racinglikeapronow · 29/08/2020 12:21

My god. Another woman having a baby with a useless waste of space. Unless he has had a complete personality change from being incredibly domestic to a useless sod in the 6 months you’ve been pregnant then you KNEW he was like this when you got pregnant. Find some standards somewhere please!!!!! I can’t believe you’ve put uo with this. I honestly would not marry such a lazy lump of a man. His turning it back on you is unacceptable. I would give him an ultimatum. Relationship over or he takes on 50% of all household work and give him a clear view of all the help he will be expected to give when baby arrives. If he doesn’t shape up from the moment you tell him just leave.

badacorn · 29/08/2020 13:20

He expects you to be the perfect housewife while also working full-time. Hmm sorry, no.

Goldencurtain · 29/08/2020 13:47

Either go to relationship counseling now or leave him as he won't change without this. You however will become bitter and miserable and will end up leaving him in years to come upset you have wasted your life on him.

Nikori · 29/08/2020 13:55

I'm glad to hear that you went to your mum's.

Have you ever heard the expression "Why have a dog and bark yourself"? This is how men like this see women. He doesn't do anything because he doesn't want to do anything and he does't want to be reminded of what he should be doing.

Men like this never change. You can do so much better.

gassylady · 29/08/2020 15:05

Agree that you are definitely not being unreasonable. He sounds like a oversized toddler who doesn’t like learning to tidy up🙄 It is indeed an advantage to know how much money is in his business if the time does come to split. I don’t know how you can really get him to see and commit to the change easily before the baby arrives.

blagaaw99 · 29/08/2020 15:20
Flowers
billy1966 · 29/08/2020 15:49

God help you OP and the poor child you are going to have with this waster.
Flowers

chatterbugmegastar · 29/08/2020 16:09

What or who has made you dislike yourself so much? You have zero self esteem and zero self respect

How has this happened? Why do you allow it to continue?

willowmelangell · 29/08/2020 16:20

So glad you are at your mums. I hope you are still there! Can you stay a bit longer?
He will never grasp how hard you work nor how many balls you are juggling until you leave him to it.

BEESY90 · 29/08/2020 16:28

Wow! Who would pick his towel up and clear his mugs up and shop if he was single?! He is really taking advantage of you (and a pregnant lady at that) I would definitely head to your mums indefinitely for a rest.

freeingNora · 29/08/2020 16:32

Honestly I'd stay at your mums until Tuesday and hell would freeze over before I did his books ever again you've married a man who needed a nanny and a cleaner and if he got sex then so much the better, unfortunately this will never end well. This is your life take a long hard look he won't change why should he all his needs are served. And he gets to dump the dsc on you all times he's done well for him self the cheeky gaslighting sod

carly2803 · 29/08/2020 19:15

@MmmmNo

Can't reply properly as I'm currently ranting my head off to my mum but I'm here!
hows it going OP

praying you have ended it properly. this will never get better.

RabbityMcRabbit · 04/09/2020 18:28

The number of posters on here who have no clue about the effect domestic abuse has on the victim's self-esteem and psyche is chilling. I'm going to say this loudly STOP FUCKING VICTIM-BLAMING!!

Commonwasher · 04/09/2020 21:55

His behaviour is dreadful.

I would retract the offer to help with his business admin as you are a) pregnant and b) too busy picking up after him at home. Relationships are a two way street.

Gindrinker43 · 04/09/2020 22:00

Start charging him for the work you do for him at his business and use that to pay for a cleaner, hitting him in the pocket might help.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page