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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to smother 'D'H

175 replies

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:01

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down Hmm

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards Hmm even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
MrsSiriusBlack1 · 28/08/2020 19:27

Why did his previous relationships end? Has he always been a selfish twatbag?

burritofan · 28/08/2020 19:27

I do all his admin, I deal with everything like his accountant, HMRC, tax, vat payments, emails etc...all whilst doing my own job. Like I literally couldn't be a more helpful fucking partner.
Why?!

And why are you only asking for a tiny amount of give from him rather than 50/50?

SueEllenMishke · 28/08/2020 19:29

Seriously leave. And don't go back until he is willing to have a grown up conversation about the distribution of chores.
This will get worse and once you're in mat leave he will see you as his housekeeper and will expect you to do everything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2020 19:29

Well he'll soon find out that tired parents still have to keep the place habitable if you leave. His children and him, you doing all the housework.

I sometimes wonder if men like this get into relationships solely so they don't have to do their cleaning and admin.

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:29

@burritofan

I do all his admin, I deal with everything like his accountant, HMRC, tax, vat payments, emails etc...all whilst doing my own job. Like I literally couldn't be a more helpful fucking partner. Why?!

And why are you only asking for a tiny amount of give from him rather than 50/50?

Because I'm a fucking mug.
OP posts:
Hotairballoop · 28/08/2020 19:29

Whilst you are at your home think about why your standards are so low and why you accept being a skivvy and unpaid childcare in this relationship. And maybe also think if this will be acceptable to you for your own child that you are carrying. Nothing will change. That much is guaranteed.

tenlittlecygnets · 28/08/2020 19:29

Sorry, the comment about getting pg may not be helpful but unless your p has had a complete personality change since you got pg, you must have known what he was like.

I'm so fed up of reading about useless men on here.

He should be looking after you! Instead he's a complete dick!

And you help with all his admin too? I'd knock that right on the head.

MostlyHappyMummy · 28/08/2020 19:41

Yet another woman putting up with awful behaviour
Is being in a relationship really worth the trade off of being treated like this?

notforonesecond · 28/08/2020 19:41

You deserve better than this and you know it. Never mind his kids, think about what you’ll be teaching the one you’re about to have if you keep putting up with this.

Having a manual job doesn’t mean he’s too tired to do his share. You know he’s not actually too tired. He thinks he’s more important than you and you’re buying into it.

You cannot being a child into this dynamic, you can’t teach them that this is normal. You deserve better. He can do better if he wants to. If he doesn’t want to...well, that says it all really doesn’t it?

Candyfloss99 · 28/08/2020 19:43

Stop being a martyr. Stop being a doormat. Stop all tidying. Stop cleaning. Don't make him any food. Don't do his laundry. Completely ignore him when he complains.

SunshineCake · 28/08/2020 19:44

So many women like this.

Helping.
Making your life easier.

All coming from wrong mindset.

Go to your mothers for two weeks as a PP has said. He won't change so you have too. And stop with the silly 😂 . You doing his admin is no laughing matter when I expect he doesn't pay you and he sees all the house stuff as your shit.

carly2803 · 28/08/2020 19:44

i mean this kindly OP, i was reading that thinking please dont be pregnant or have kids with this manchild

stop being his mother/doormat etc, stop working for him 3 days a week!! do not do his washing/cook etc

just dont do anything for him, go to you mumsfor 2 weeks and either tell him sort his shit out or leave him before the baby is born

this will never get better whena baby gets here

anditgoeson · 28/08/2020 19:46

Go to your Mums and rest and have peace. You need to think about you and your baby. That sounds like a lot of stress. Let him clean up and look after his own kids. Arsehole! Let him see what it feels like. And stay as long as you like!

Bluetrews25 · 28/08/2020 19:46

HE'S tired?
Does he have ANY idea how tiring it is to grow another human being?
How many DCs you want to be cleaning up after for the next 18 years?

QuestionMarkNow · 28/08/2020 19:46

Oh I actually think he does get it @MmmmNo.
If working at a desk was so easy, he would do all his account, HMRC and the likes. But he doesn’t goes he?

Nope, it so happens that the line ‘oh I’m tired’ has worked befire so now it’s his excuse to do fuck all. Including not even looking after his own dcs, leaving them to you to look after.

I wouldn’t be able to cope with that. I suspect you want to salvage thing because of the pg etc..but I’m not sure he will ever ‘get it’.

As others have said, you could go on strike. Try not emptying his pockets anymore, leaving the cup of tea where it is and the towel on the floor. Stop doing his accounts, looking after his dcs. And all the myriad of things you do just for him.
And see how it goes.
But I suspect this would become an endurance game with him doing the bare minimum, spoiling your day whilst telling you he doesn’t mind the mess....

Capsulate · 28/08/2020 19:48

Omg go to your mum's and stay there! What a solid gold bellend. Honestly, stay with him and he will use you to keep his house and his children; both your baby and his other dcs. Like free hired help. Fuck. That. LTB. Omg, I don't think I've ever said LTB on here, except as a joke! Well, there you are. I must really mean it!

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2020 19:48

I divorced one of these (father of my kids). Literally EVERYTHING was my job. All he had to do was get up, go to work, and come home.

My final straw was the fact that he used to leave his wet towels after a shower on the bed on my side. So I had the wet sheet/mattress and also a wet towel to hang up.

He basically saw me as a domestic device. When I told him to leave he acted as though the hoover had bitten him.

justthecat · 28/08/2020 19:49

Totally stop doing his admin: sorry , like you’ve said on repeat the house needs more attention, I need to focus on that.
What a

Reallybadidea · 28/08/2020 19:50

He doesn't 'not get it'. He doesn't want to do this stuff. You can't make him. The only thing you can do is choose whether to put up with it or not.

Missteebeee · 28/08/2020 19:52

Show him this

Stop doing anything that doesn’t directly benefit you. You are not his skivvy

Cam77 · 28/08/2020 19:56

Sounds terrible. Unfortunately now you’re either left with a lazy arse-do nothing husband/father who doesn’t sound like he cares about you very much I’m afraid, or having to go it alone with a new baby.

Sounds like he just wanted a cook/cleaner/free accountant and the relationship and baby was just an add on. I guess all you can do is give him an ultimatum, perhaps life will be better without him in it, although it will be incredibly tough as a single parent.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 28/08/2020 19:56

Im sorry OP but you are a mug. He sits there like the bloody lord of he manor ordering his skivvy around. I would honestly leave him. He's a lazy selfish twat.
Its great you have your Mums to go to. I would be staying there permanently..

Pepperwand · 28/08/2020 19:57

He sounds deeply unattractive. His responses literally sound like he's your teenage son. I'd be having a good long think when you're at your mums whether you're willing to continue to be treated like a complete doormat.

Ramblingwords · 28/08/2020 19:58

He needs to read the link Missteebeee provided, and you should read Wifework.

This is only going to get worse, @MmmmNo. You are going to become the housekeeper, primary parent and caregiver, bearer of all the mental load, while being expected to work outside of the home too.

Serious lifestyle changing discuss needed about how this partnership is going to work, or one way or another you are doomed. The relationship or your sanity.

MotherofTerriers · 28/08/2020 19:59

Leave. He might appreciate what you do if you're not there to do it. If that doesn't work, make him a list of everything you do and point out that he has no idea how tiring it is being pregnant