To want to smother 'D'H

[MmmmNo]

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

It will get worse once the baby is here, I am not saying that to hurt you. When someone tells and shows you who they are loud and clear, listen to them. You deserve a million times better than being his skivy. You have different careers, you do his admin, look after his kids . Stop it. What will you be showing your baby. I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy and future life with your baby.

For gods sake woman, stop being such a bloody doormat!

He won’t change. Best to make a decision now.

LTB, I'm afraid.
I've got one a bit like this, and it just wears you down eventually. I'm miserable all the time and spend so many hours cleaning up. If I didn't I'd be retching from the smell.

If you can get out now, do

Are you going to use this angry energy to make positive changes or just ‘lance the boil’?

Come on OP, you’re a smart woman. You don’t have to be someone’s drudge.

I think he sounds abusive and manipulative. The expectations he's putting on you are awful. How will it be with a baby? What will they be seeing? He seems to have no respect for you at all and you seem to have accepted it for a long time.

@LambChopsMcGee

LTB, I'm afraid. I've got one a bit like this, and it just wears you down eventually. I'm miserable all the time and spend so many hours cleaning up. If I didn't I'd be retching from the smell.

If you can get out now, do

You could have a life without such an awful lazy selfish prick in a clean, beautiful little sanctuary of your own if you left him. Life is so short, why are you accepting being miserable because someone else is horrible? You can have more than this - being in a shit relationship is much lonelier than being single. Please consider leaving someone who cares so little about you

LTB he is a prick and will never change. now you know why he is divorced.

Don't listen to the horrible people calling you a "doormat". You are doing amazing, you are a strong woman and a fantastic Mum, looking after your kids, holding down a job, and brewing a whole new human being at the same time. You can do this, with or without DP. Whatever you decide to do, you are strong enough to do it alone if you choose to. Keep that in mind and if he has any sense, he will realise he is lucky to have you. If he doesn't have enough sense to realise this then it doesn't matter, because you can do this without him if you want to. You are stronger than you think 😘 xx

My life is heaven now my similar prick of a husband has gone. I have my own home which is always tidy and I am not constantly feeling furious with a lazy bastard.

Ok. So take it at face value. His is too tired to move a mug. He is too tired to hang a towel.
You can't live like that, you need a better partner.
If he is too tired to empty his pockets before he puts them in the wash then he needs to change his job or see a GP about this insane level of fatigue in a healthy man (I'm not serious about this btw, poor GP).
But that's what it comes down to. He is saying it's impossible for him to be a decent partner. No need to argue with him. Just go from there and say how that isn't sustainable or acceptable to you so what's going to change?

It also precludes him being in any way a decent father.

@Throckmorton

You need to take a big look at why you don't value yourself more. He's a shit partner now, and it'll get worse when you've had your baby. Save yourself the heartache and dump him now.

I second this post. I really don't understand why you would let someone treat you so badly, don't you think you deserve better?

I suspect it's rather obvious why he's not with the mother of his boys.

And now you're pregnant with someone who already won't lift a finger and treats you like the maid.

What on earth were you thinking ... that he'd change?

I agree with all of the pp's unanimous sentiments. Nothing to add, but I hope your mum is giving you a big cuddle and tucks you in tonight. You're in the right place.

God he sounds like a total prick! I’d leave him for a few weeks and go to your mum’s house. Let him wallow in his own shit for a while

My ex didn't change, I don't think they see us as anything but support humans.

I'm so sorry for you going through this OP.

You do sound very soft, there is a big problem here and you have only asked him for tiny changes like the mug and towel. He needed to feel the whole weight of the responsibilities bearing down on him, not some feathers.
However, with him I don't think it will help at all to try to talk him into improving. I agree that he won't change, because his disrespect towards you is evident.

I wish you the best for your future without him, and try not to do too much for your sons when they grow older too, in case they also end up with his awful expectant attitude. Best of luck.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable. His behaviour is not ok and not acceptable. This will not change when baby is here.

It will not change because he does not care. I’m getting bells ringing of my ex. Especially the pointless arguing of ‘well your side has X on it’ etc.

Decide whether you can live like this forever (and picking up more with another child in the mix). If you can’t be a full time worker plus homemaintainer, mother, his accountant (wtf) etc, then don’t put up with it anymore.

Don’t think i’ve Said this before on Mnet but you should consider LTB. It will not change.

@KormaKormaChameleon

Ok. So take it at face value. His is too tired to move a mug. He is too tired to hang a towel. You can't live like that, you need a better partner. If he is too tired to empty his pockets before he puts them in the wash then he needs to change his job or see a GP about this insane level of fatigue in a healthy man (I'm not serious about this btw, poor GP). But that's what it comes down to. He is saying it's impossible for him to be a decent partner. No need to argue with him. Just go from there and say how that isn't sustainable or acceptable to you so what's going to change?

So true. I can't actually think of a time I was too tired to put a mug in the dishwasher. After doing massive hikes, or working 24 hour shifts at homeless shelters. Actually I've thought of one; c section after four days of labour. I also had a tropical disease once that left me with spaghetti arms with no strength. Then it's OK to leave your mug.

Does he have malaria or a recent major abdominal surgery?

Or is he actually just an arsehole who thinks you are a domestic appliance?

Oh ffs!

As I started reading I noticed no child care duties and was desperately hoping no dc were involved as yet and then...

... And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

HE IS A LAZY ARSE!

You’d be MUCH better off without him even as a single mum!

But quite honestly I am going to bite the bullet and ask the unpopular question - why the FUCK did you get pregnant/continue a pregnancy when you clearly KNEW he was a lazy arse BEFORE you were pregnant?!

I’m willing to bet his laziness is a big reason for why his relationship with his kids mum broke down!

Did you fall for “crazy unreasonable ex” bullshit?

Going on strike does not work with someone as lazy as this! He might step up for a while but he’d slip back to old habits as soon as he felt safe to do so.

Bet op does most of the graft for the stepkids too!

You’re a total mug doing all you do for his business! He should be paying you for the time spent doing that or hire someone! This is not trivial, easy work you’re doing!

Where and HOW was he living between ex and you? Parents? With mum doing all his shit?

because I'm thirsty as fuck all the time being pregnant this is totally off topic BUT have you been checked for gestational diabetes?

Is being in a relationship really worth the trade off of being treated like this? nope! I’ve been very happily single inc raising dd for almost 18 years now. It would take a VERY special person to entice me to give up my independence, and I certainly wouldn’t do so for a lazy, selfish Dick like this!!

I do wish we’d stop teaching our dds that a “happy ever after” is the only way to mark personal success! Being single is absolutely a valid and preferable option to being some man’s mug!!

My dad and grandas all worked manual jobs - and I’m guessing a damn sight more work than he’s doing! Factories, ship yards, army.

And yet even so they still pulled their weight at home!

Their marriages were “traditional” in that chores were split along traditional gender lines BUT they wouldn’t have DREAMED of throwing towels on the floor, not putting away stuff they’d used, not taking dishes through to kitchen to be be washed with others - admittedly they didn’t do the dishes but they wouldn’t leave their mugs at their arses! They’d take them through to the kitchen and rinse them out!

And they also did as much work as the women in the way of the “heavy” jobs of the household plus maintaining the house/car/garden doing diy, decorating etc - they couldn’t afford to just replace a broken thing and being practical men could fix most things and did so, with 9 in my mums household, 7 in dads and 5 in ours there was always SOMETHING needed fixing/doing from rewiring plugs to building furniture to fixing a kids bike...

They’d also never let any of their wives carry a heavy basket of wet laundry or shopping etc

He’s full of shit! Just plain lazy!!

Never mind smother! Whack him with a spade and bury under patio!! I’ll fucking alibi you! Hell I’ll give you the spade!

But seriously - BEFORE you leave do “his” admin one last time - to get proof of his actual earnings for child maintenance! Send same proof to ex if as suspected he’s been ripping her off and if he’s dodging tax Hmrc too!

Can't reply properly as I'm currently ranting my head off to my mum but I'm here! I hope that means you’re AT your mums

In your mums shoes I’d be steaming right through him!

I sympathize. However, he is putting in an extra two hours a day and bring on your feet is tiring. Then he presumably has to spend time with his kids. Oth, you're 6 MTHS pregnant which is also tiring. Both of you sound tired. I think that as long as you ordinarily put in about the same amount of time (I say ordinarily as being pregnant should cut you some slack), it's ok. If however you are doing far more than he's putting in (taking into consideration his longer hours), then you need to redress this. Could he put his feet up when he gets home but do some other chores sat down (house accounts/emails/admin etc).

He could be doing his own admin at the very least! I would definitely stop doing that for him.

Also:
Could you get your food shop delivered? Could you then just go online and repeat the same order every couple of weeks?
Could you get a veg box,milk, cheese etc delivered so that you don't need to go to the shops as much?
Have you got space for a tumble drier (stacked on top of washing machine or in the garage?)
Can you look up some really quick recipes to reduce time spent cooking? (I.e.jacket potatoes, casserole, buy mashed potato ready made?
These are all things that will save you a bit of time and make life easier. I've recently got a tumble drier and it's saved me loads of time draping stuff all over radiators etc.
Also - open the windows and spray around some polish just before he gets home (it will give the impression that the place is cleaner than it actually is). Still no excuse for him being a lazy slob and he needs to pull his weight more, or do more on his days off, but you can also lighten your own load a little too.

Hi OP,

I hope you are having a good chat with your Mum and some much needed breathing space.
If you were to read your posts as an outsider what would you be saying......I reckon it would be don’t put up with this crap. Maybe even LTB.
It has been mentioned by other poster’s that his tiredness could mean he has an underlying medical condition. If this is a possibility he needs to go the GP but I suspect he just has a bad case of lazy arse disease. Even if he did have a condition of some kind does that give him licence to speak to you the way he does?
He shows you nothing but contempt as far as I can see. You are 6 months pregnant, which surely is the most important time for your DH to show you how much he loves and cares for you. Instead he won’t even tidy up after himself and argues with you, turning the tables on you even though he has no leg to stand on.
At the very least stay away for several nights and think everything through. Start making a pro’s and con’s list. What is actually good about this man, does he make you happy at all? Has he been like this since the beginning or since you got married? You seriously need to be asking yourself these questions now.
As a PP poster said it’s much easier to leave him now whilst pregnant than when you have a newborn baby to cope with too. In my view he will only get worse, not better. But only you can know whether this marriage is worth fighting for, but that can only happen if he is prepared to meet you halfway.
Good luck OP

Go to your mums for the weekend, or if you can wfh at your mums go for the week

Let him do everything himself

Then if you do go back divvy up the chores.