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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to smother 'D'H

175 replies

MmmmNo · 28/08/2020 19:01

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down Hmm

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards Hmm even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
Grandmi · 28/08/2020 20:00

He really is a bully!! Definitely spend the weekend away at your mother’s and think about your future!!

newnameforthis123 · 28/08/2020 20:01

You surely can't seriously be considering staying in a relationship with someone like this? Surely not?

You can coparent without being a couple.

Comtesse · 28/08/2020 20:02

Does he have ANY good qualities???

msflibble · 28/08/2020 20:04

Dear god OP. No YANBU. After reading this I want to fecking smother him too!!!
What sort of dick complains to a 6 month pregnant woman about how tired he is? He doesn't know the meaning of the word.

Go to your mother's and stay for a week. He's a complete bellend

popcornlover · 28/08/2020 20:05

You can leave him if you like OP.

I am a bit bemused that there’s hasn’t been uproar about the violence in your thread title!
I can just imagine what would happen if a man posted “I want to smother my wife” ! Grin

Either smother him or leave him if he’s driving you to those type of thoughts.

User43210 · 28/08/2020 20:06

I'm not sure about others but mentally I found it easier to do housework when I had a manual work job, I was on feet all day and yes, I was tired, but I had the momentum.

Now I work in an office job, and after sitting down all day, I struggle to find the energy to do anything when I get home.

It's like just after going to the gym and you're pumped with energy, you can do stuff until the tiredness hits.

shesaidshesleavingonasunday · 28/08/2020 20:06

Why on earth are you having another baby with this man?

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/08/2020 20:09

Why on earth women get pregnant with these wankers is beyond me.

newnameforthis123 · 28/08/2020 20:09

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

You also need to take responsibility for the relationship modelling you will be showing your child once they arrive. If it's a boy then your relationship will be showing them women are skivvies. If it's a girl then your relationship will be showing them they exist to meet men's needs only. How can you even be considering continuing being in a relationship with such a lazy misogynist?

Coparenting healthily (as much as you can with this manchild) should be your goal. Not training him to 'help' around the house when that term is ridiculous in itself - when two people both work full time, one isn't 'helping' the other by doing their share of chores.

He'll want pats on the back for 'babysitting' his own child too. Ugh.

Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2020 20:10

He sounds horrible. What do you get out this relationship? I just don’t understand why people put up with this shit. Stop doing shit for him.

MulticolourMophead · 28/08/2020 20:20

He's not going to change. He's got a cushy number right now, why would he want to change that?

So I think leaving him is the way to go. Why let yourself burn out when you need to be able to look after your baby?

I'd like to know the real reason he's not with the mother of his DC. I'd bet it ended for similar reasons.

So, go to your mum's and be there for at least 2 weeks, I'm sure you'll be able to work there much easier than at home. Don't do anything for him, especially not anything relating to his business.

I have an ex who dumped everything on me. Or, if I were at work, dumped it all on the DC when they got older. Anything and everything to avoid having to do any housework at all. Unless it was one of his very rare moments of putting a load of washing on, or filling the dishwasher while going on about how he was having to do stuff while we were just lazy.

He's an ex, and the DC can't be bothered with him anymore.

tara66 · 28/08/2020 20:20

So sorry about your situation OP. You sound very unhappy. You 'D'H clearly does not take on board what you say to/ask of him nor does he appreciate you and all you do. You are completely exhausted and discouraged now so go to your mother's - pack a case and leave. Try to rest. When he notices you're leaving (hope you have transport) or have actually left let him know you find your whole life unacceptable and he has made to so.

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 20:21

Why are you still doing things for him?

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care

He doesn't. So you're going to have to care about yourself. Stop doing all his stuff, do what you need to do to get through. Let his stuff pile up. Having a messy house for a bit is the least of your worries, and will show him in a very short space of time how much you're doing.

But regardless, you need to leave him.

MulticolourMophead · 28/08/2020 20:22

@shesaidshesleavingonasunday

Why on earth are you having another baby with this man?
Another baby? It's her first.
ErinBrockovich · 28/08/2020 20:22

Without meaning to be patronising I feel quite sorry for you.
I mean how much more can you do to make this person happy?
Nothing will be good enough for him. Isn’t that a sad place to be.

UmmH · 28/08/2020 20:23

@MmmmNo

I just don't get it. Like I'm not even asking for him to split shit equally with me. I'm literally asking for TINY amount of give from him. Like literally taking his used fucking dishes into the kitchen in the morning rather than leaving them in the leaving room for me to clean away.

Like how is that too much to ask?!

He tries to say things like 'you're the one with a messy car'... Like yeah okay my car isn't the cleanest... But I'm not talking about my fucking car you idiot.

The problem is that you are asking for seemly tiny things, so he doesn't see them as important because he isn't seeing the bigger picture. As well as getting him to read that excellent link a PP sent, I would perhaps ask him to do BIGGER things, like taking turns doing the washing, emptying the bins, vacuuming - tasks that more obviously affect both of you.
Blanca87 · 28/08/2020 20:24

Read the relationships board on here it will reinforce you are doing the right thing. What a fucking waste of space your (hopefully) ex is. And please reflect on the fact he has his kids this weekend but expects you to look after them, what a fucking twat. Incidentally how much cms does he pay for his kids and how often do you, I mean he, has contact with his kids?

Vodkacranberryplease · 28/08/2020 20:25

@shesaidshesleavingonasunday This is her first baby, the others are step children. Someone else divorced him - probably for exactly the same reason. Meanwhile she's looking after HIS children .

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 28/08/2020 20:27

Go to your Mums for now. LTB. It’ll be easier to be a single Mum than to have to look after a baby AND a pathetic man-child.

Phineyj · 28/08/2020 20:28

Oh dear. I think we can see why his previous relationship ended.

Redbirds · 28/08/2020 20:28

Go to your mum's for a rest and tell him you are feeling unwell. Ask him to organise a cleaner to come each week to cover his share of the chores if he doesn't bother I wouldn't go back.

Capsulate · 28/08/2020 20:28

@Blanca87

Read the relationships board on here it will reinforce you are doing the right thing. What a fucking waste of space your (hopefully) ex is. And please reflect on the fact he has his kids this weekend but expects you to look after them, what a fucking twat. Incidentally how much cms does he pay for his kids and how often do you, I mean he, has contact with his kids?
Yes^^. This, THIS is what he chooses to do on the day he's supposed to be having his existing children - getting his new partner, who is pregnant, to do the free childcare so he can work. Self employed you say? Funny that. Bet he pays fuck all CM, what with him having the kids part time, (except he doesn't - he offloads them on to his latest victim), and being self employed. Absolute scum.
LannieDuck · 28/08/2020 20:29

Like I'm not even asking for him to split shit equally with me.

No - you want an equal split. You need to reset expectations. At the moment, your words and actions are saying that the housework is your job and you just want him to do a tiny bit of it to help you out.

Stop it! You both work FT, and the housework is both of your jobs. You both need to pull your own weight. That means half and half. And since you're pregnant, it means you should be the one taking it easy - so he should be stepping up to 60% at least.

By setting the bar so low, he's acting from the assumption it's all your job and he's helping you out.

Go to your parent's. Tell him you'll be back when he can act like an adult and agrees to take on half of the chores. And all of his DSC care. I'm assuming you do it all? He needs to start - because he certainly needs to be doing half of the care for the baby when they arrive.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2020 20:31

Oh, also stop doing his admin. Or at least get paid a decent hourly wage from his company for it.

(I'm curious - when he says that he works longer hours than you, does that ignore the time you spend doing his admin?)

Heronwatcher · 28/08/2020 20:34

Get out, get out! Massive red flags all over the place here. He sees you as an unpaid domestic servant and does not respect you in the slightest. This is going to get 100x worse once the baby is born. And for the love of god do not give up your income and independence or have more kids. If you want to see how relationships with men like this end have a read of the relationships board.