To want to smother 'D'H

[MmmmNo]

And to think that working a few extra hours is not an excuse to do fuck all else.

I am working from home full time 9-5. DH goes to work at 7 and gets home at 5 (self employed). I work in an office environment, he works in a workshop environment so more manual labour than me.

He does absolutely fucking nothing in the house. Nothing at all but spends the majority of the time moaning that it isn't tidy enough (yet funnily when I do start tidying up he moans at me to come and sit down because he's trying to 'chill').

Anything that needs sorting is up to me. Anything that is not to do with his work just doesn't factor at all and is my responsibility.

For example yesterday, our pet needed taking to the vet as a minor emergency and I was waiting for the vet to call me back with a time in the next hour they could see her. Rang DH and instead of offering to take her, considering he's the one with no boss so can nip out if needed, he said I'd have to take her on my lunch or something. In the end I ended up having to ask work if I could nip out for an hour.

He got home this evening and whilst he's been gone I've worked all day, hoovered, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, gone and done a shop after work, come home, put it away, washed the dishes and started tea. I was putting the washing on the radiators that I'd done earlier when he started moaning at me for 'stomping around' when he was tired and trying to lie down

Cue his usual banging on about how he's so tired and I just don't get it. I honestly tried to have a calm conversation with him. I said could he please just make even a small bit of effort, things like taking his mug into the kitchen when he's finished his brew in the morning, empty his pockets before putting his dirty clothes in the washing pile, putting his wet towel on the radiator after he's used it instead of throwing it on the floor (yes a grown man does this) so not even chores, just little things to make my fucking life easier.

But apparently that's petty, I'm sat on my arse all day at a desk, I don't understand how tired he is and it's 'only a mug so what's so hard about putting it in the sink' (which he can't understand the irony of because that's literally what I've asked him to do)...

All I want is a tiny fucking amount of effort so I can see he does actually care. It's turned into a huge argument now and I'm just so fucking sick of it.

I'm wanting to storm out to my mum's tbh but I don't know if I should, my DSC are here. And to make matters all the better I'm 6 months pregnant and he STILL doesn't even fucking help me with anything.

Any time I try to have a conversation with him he turns it to me saying that I am the dirty one, I don't know what 'clean' is and will throw random shit out like when was the last time I cleaned the windows or skirting boards even though he never does even basic fucking stuff.

I've shouted tonight and I'm not proud because the kids are here but I'm so angry. I've told him he's selfish and he's teaching his children (boys) to treat their future wives like their skivvies too. I'm pretty sure the kids heard me.

The pregnancy hormones aren't helping with the anger but I really don't think I'm unreasonable.

Yes like PP glad you are at your mums, enjoy the rest and try not to worry about what he will or wont be doing when you are away. If he wants it so clean and tidy but not to do anything to help get it like that then he can pay for a cleaner

Glad you’ve gone to your mum’s. You’ve done the right thing. I know you know this, but speaking from experience, this will get so much worse once the baby arrives if you don’t tackle it now.

@louloubelx

I could have written this! To top it off, mine also likes to go for a sleep when he gets back from work as he’s ‘tired’. I’m working two jobs and sort pretty much everything out for the kids, cook, clean etc. Tonight I was lazy and put pizza on, he reluctantly offered to get it out of the oven! I feel like a parent of three! Haven’t really got any advice other than to say I feel your pain!

Why though?! Why stay with someone who you do all this for?! Doesn't it make you see him for the selfish prick he is? I couldn't bear for him to be near me.

I hope you can rest a bit and gather strength for what's ahead of you. Your partner is an abuser in the making; time for him to face the consequences without a complicit subject "partner".

OP I wish I lived near you I'd be over packing your belongings for a very long stay away from that idiot husband of yours

@Teana89

I'd be using the time you normally spend doing his tax etc making copies of everything so he can't shaft you on child support when you leave his lazy arse.

This is a fucking great shout.

You're a mug, but you know that now. Time to do something about it. Do NOT go back until you have had it out properly. Preferably with a counsellor.

Good luck

@XingMing
" If you boil it down it means that if all you can sell is your labour/strength... then you are badly educated and/or thick."

I would hope that, that wasn't her point. It's classist and smacks of ingratitude for those willing to do manual labour, which without we wouldn't have any infrastructure. That's besides being incorrect. I've got male relatives in the building, railways etc trade, who out earn Teachers and those in office jobs. Do you not value skills then?

This thread is going into stereotypes, but there's as many office working lazy entitled men as there are builders.

Is your mum supportive? Does she like dh?

I'd seriously think about LTB, he's hardly going to change when the baby is born.
At the very least, I'd go on strike and only cook and wash/iron for myself, it he doesn't like the mess, he is an adult and can do it himself.
Feed the DSC at lunchtime but leave their dinner to their father

Actually, just LTB - he wants a housekeeper and childcare and thinks that now you are pregnant, he has you trapped - he does not, you deserve better.

It's not even just that he doesn't pull his weight. He's just such a knob about it, really confrontational and unpleasant. Deflecting it onto you, arguing like his life depends on it. And that just says he doesn't care.

You're there trying to make his life easier and trying to get through to him and it's not working. And that's because talking to men is a total and utter waste of time after you have said the same thing three times. Only action works.

That means you don't look after his children, do his admin, cook for him, do his washing, clean up after him. Nothing. Stay at your mums for at least a week. He had to learn shah looking after children and a house means.

It's either that or he will piss you off so much you will end up splitting. You are doing him no favours by showing him you are his household servant while telling him you're not. He believes what he sees not what he hears.

You keep asking him to do things and getting upset but you carry on doing them anyway! Of course he thinks it's ok to keep doing nothing!

Good luck with this. I say if you go back to anything less than a clean house a grovelling apology and evidence that he is going to do half the shopping, half the cleaning, all the parenting of his own kids and half the parenting of your baby, go and don't look back. In fact, that is never going to happen, so just get away from this arsehole.

I’ve got a thread running myself on my own DH, but I absolutely could not stay with a DH like yours.

He’s a lazy, sexist bastard. Having a baby with him will make it all so much worse. Get out with your baby now.

Stay at your mums and don’t look back. Raise your standards significantly before you even think of another relationship. You only want scraps from him and while you’re not even getting that, why is that all you’re asking for?

I'm afraid to you say it but it is only going to get worse once the baby arrives :( Cut your losses and get out now.

Honestly, think how much more free time you would have as a single parent.

You're there trying to make his life easier and trying to get through to him and it's not working. And that's because talking to men is a total and utter waste of time after you have said the same thing three times. Only action works

That means you don't look after his children, do his admin, cook for him, do his washing, clean up after him. Nothing

I agree. But if you do this you MUST do nothing for him. No cooking a meal for yourself and making a portion for him. No throwing his washing in because you were doing a load anyway. No washing his dishes because it was only a couple of things. And you need to be prepared to live in a pigsty with carry out food everywhere for weeks or months until he learns you won’t do it for him.

Otherwise he will learn that you are just having a tantrum and if he makes the house messy enough you will give in, because you don’t like the mess.

This is all easier to do if you don’t have a baby, as you need a certain level of cleanliness.

You are in a tough situation OP.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAGPxiohU_fO1p55RszZuiY9HIrqq-e1xUYkgxuMsP9Yk754bBQcmPVdU5dALjeFzA6RnmpvWb2Z-ix-4ldxmfOzks7Qk2SLw_s8E70rLCoUL4CHyjBiPoQj3Eb_JrHJamvAmos83tNC6hPSr5XGk5x4fNCsez_I7qMmC5wq1KR2b

The first link is a cartoon about the "mental load" and the second link is written by a bloke about how not doing the little jobs contribute to resentment, feeling unloved and not respected that can tear a relationship apart.

Why did your H break up with his kids mother? Has he form for entitled behaviour. Chill at your mother's but as others say unless you can find a plan that will work then things wont improve when the baby arrives because then you can't really go on say cleaning strike as you will want everything clean for your DC etc. If you do stay have you got shared finances and use some to lighten the load a bit? get your shopping delivered, maybe a cleaner/ I know it's not a solution as you want your H to see the work and contribute and not criticze you.

You need to take a big look at why you don't value yourself more. He's a shit partner now, and it'll get worse when you've had your baby. Save yourself the heartache and dump him now.

Bloody hell op I think you are living my life. I also wfh (childminder) have 2 boys, and a do that does fuck all and leaves loads of mess for me to clean, and I'm pregnant too. I've had this ongoing battle for 8 years and its worse now because I'm having a really bad pregnancy. The I just lose my nut and he will eventually do some things around the house. This happens often.

And to top this all off, 3 times a week, I leave work at 5pm and go to his work to help him with shit there 😂 I do all his admin, I deal with everything like his accountant, HMRC, tax, vat payments, emails etc...all whilst doing my own job. Like I literally couldn't be a more helpful fucking partner.

Dear god, woman, things need to change!

I would tee your mum up to get ready to share the raising of your child, due in twelve weeks.

Your husband is basically a selfish pig who WILL NOT CHANGE.

Twelve weeks OP, you’ve got 12 weeks to get yourself in a position where you’ll get proper real help. First babies knock the stuffing out of you mentally and physically. I really hope you can go to your mum’s.

*when baby comes.

At the very very least stop doing his laundry and making his meals. Shared space going to shit will have a negative effect on you too, but anything you are doing for his benefit alone needs to stop surely.

Tell him (probably by text) that you know why you're tired: you're pregnant, working f/t plus p/t for his business, doing every scrap of housework, shopping and childcare (for his children), but if just working all day is making a full-grown, healthy adult male too tired to lift a finger outside work hours, he needs an urgent GP appointment for blood tests and diagnosis of what's gone wrong. Insist he goes before you'll even think of coming back.

You're doing the work of 2.5 adults and he's at 0.5 and moaning at you for not doing more!