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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Love51 · 28/08/2020 17:12

If your mum has admitted the sulking, I'd use that. 'Yes mum, it would be great to be together. But remember what you said about Brian sulking? I can't be dealing with that at Christmas!' Maybe be honest - 'He overshadowed my childhood Christmases, I'm not having it now I'm old enough to get a say'. But I'm beginning to think I'm a bit blunt.

Lsquiggles · 28/08/2020 17:14

Can't he go to see his daughter and celebrate his birthday and you celebrate Christmas with your mom? Surely for one year that would be fine? I don't agree with other commenters saying you're being nasty, he's a grown man who has had many birthdays...

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 17:15

@elenacampana

You’re being very, very mean OP. No one has to celebrate their birthday on a different day to when it actually falls.

My mum has a Christmas Eve birthday and we always make a thing of it no matter how busy we are with getting ready for Christmas Day.

No, they don't have to, but they also don't get to impose their choice not to do so, unilaterally, on other people, expecting them to dance (very precisely) to their tune.

This is not her Mum. This is not her Dad. This is not her MIL, nor her FIL. There's no familial relationship there, he didn't choose to build one with her. He's her mother's husband, nothing more, nothing less.

So she's (fairly naturally) disinclined to allow him to monopolise and dictate how half of a very family important day should be enjoyed, or to risk the sulking if he doesn't feel he's been sufficiently indulged.

BlogTheBlogger · 28/08/2020 17:15

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
Unbelievable. He sounds quite nutty and totally self absorbed
Lsquiggles · 28/08/2020 17:18

Just read your update Shock he sounds like a selfish man to have ruined Christmas in such a way for you. I wouldn't be going out of my way to accommodate him and his charade Hmm

fluffyjumper · 28/08/2020 17:20

I wouldn't host. Maybe have them new years instead.

bigknickersbigknockers · 28/08/2020 17:22

what does he expect beyond a card, present and maybe a candle stuck in his dessert? Anything more than that would not be happening at my house.

Byallmeans · 28/08/2020 17:22

No chance!

He isn’t her stepdad or her mate, relative or anyone OP is particularly close with - so no I wouldn’t want to host his birthday on a day I’m already mad busy on. She didn’t like it as a child so why should she have to do it as an adult Confused

OP my house is crazy on xmas day he wouldn’t get a look in Grin

msflibble · 28/08/2020 17:23

Your step dad sounds exhausting. I have friends who don't much want to spend xmas with close family for similar reasons and I don't blame them.

I don't think you sound horrible. Your mum should probably take the hint and stop asking. If this man was a part of your childhood and basically ruined xmas when you were growing up it's natural you'd prefer to avoid repeating the experience now you're grown up.

FWIW I have never expected a big fuss to be made of my birthday since I became an adult. The idea of a middle-aged man demanding cake and banners is bizarre to me.

unmarkedbythat · 28/08/2020 17:24

@elenacampana

You’re being very, very mean OP. No one has to celebrate their birthday on a different day to when it actually falls.

My mum has a Christmas Eve birthday and we always make a thing of it no matter how busy we are with getting ready for Christmas Day.

Has OP said her mother's husband has to celebrate his birthday on a different day? No. She has just said she does not wish to host him and have his celebration take over their Christmas. Have you read her updates about how he acted at Christmas in the past? About his sulking if people do not celebrate him sufficiently on Christmas Day? I'm sure your mum doesn't behave like that at all and because she isn't a self centred arsehole that you are all delighted to celebrate her birthday.
Byallmeans · 28/08/2020 17:24

I find it odd that people think OP should ‘devote’ half a day to a grown mans birthday on Christmas Day which is basically about kids!

Byallmeans · 28/08/2020 17:27

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
You should tell your mum this so she knows where your coming from. He sounds tedious
Jux · 28/08/2020 17:27

Gosh, he sounds awful! I certainly wouldn't subject myself or my children to that on Xmas day, not a chance.

Can you have a quiet chat with your mum and tell her that your children are going to get a whole Xmas Day, that you hated having the morning devoted to his birthday when all you wanted was to play with your toys; I would also say that he is a grown up and could celebrate his birthday on a different day like everyone else does.

If she really wants to spend Xmas with you it will have to be on the understanding that his birthday is celebrated on a different day (and make sure that if he tries to railroad you into doing his birthday shit in the morning you just ignore him).

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/08/2020 17:27

I have a midsummer birthday, and have always felt that christmas birthdays must be a bit crappy - my Dad's was early January.

If you don't want to host, fair enough, but really to make the effort once? How can you have too much cake at christmas that a birthday cake will make much difference (or given covid, a birthday muffin with a candle and a bigger non-candle birthday cake to share) - even a balloon or two.
Mention happy birthday when you have a champagne toast - as PP has said, it hardly takes half a day.

And if it's not birthday enough, they won't come back!

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 17:28

Thanks for all the views, it does help to try and understand mum a bit. I’ve never warmed to him and find him unbelievably tedious and rude in subtle ways. He’s a peculiar character to explain really. It’s mostly just about not want to waste my precious time on Christmas Day with my kids by entertaining this man and his whims. If it was mum’s birthday I would make the effort whatever the day but she wouldn’t like the fuss. It’s interesting to hear what others would do.

OP posts:
PablosHoney · 28/08/2020 17:28

‘Not birthday enough’ 😁 love it

MrsCBY · 28/08/2020 17:30

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
Have you ever talked to your mother about how crap this was (and would be now if you were suckered into hosting him)? Would she listen?

YANBU not to want Christmas day to be like this, and not to like him very much. Sounds like a tosser. And sounds like your mother put him first, indulging him like that when you were children and thereby spoiling Christmas for you, and I’d be pissed off at her for that too tbh.

She chooses to be married to him; you choose to prioritise your DC (and yourself!) over him, and rightly so.

Cissyandflora · 28/08/2020 17:32

God you sound awful.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/08/2020 17:33

@Thecobwebsarewinning

My MIL comes to us every Christmas. It’s also her birthday on Christmas Day. Of course we make a fuss with cards, cakes, banners, balloons. Why wouldn’t we? It hardly spoils Christmas to have an extra cake and a few more decorations.

MIL grew up dirt poor in rural Ireland during the depression. She was the youngest of 17 and consequently there was no fuss for birthdays because there was no money for that sort of thing. It’s a pleasure to be able to spoil her a bit now.

Read the OPs update, OP's mum's husband isn't like your mum. 364 days of the year he lived in his own home, chose not to be part of the family, wasn't a step dad, but come his birthday/Christmas day, he, a virtual stranger, expected his wife's kids to pander to his drawn out present opening and sulking on Christmas Day. Fuck that. He's a nasty piece of work, he knew exactly what he was doing. The OP doesn't owe him anything, nor does he deserve it either.
Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 17:34

Ha ha not birthday enough - yes quite!! I do remember one Christmas he sulked allllllll day and made passive aggressive comments ruining the atmosphere for everyone. He’d been given bubble bath or something (he hates baths and only wants shower stuff) and he must’ve mentioned it 1000 times. My mum cried a little bit that day. I feel that his birthday is the most celebrated and fussed over if anyone’s actually. Every year mum asks for a short list of items to buy the kids and I sent it over last year, I got a list for his birthday in return Hmm I hadn’t requested one and none of the rest of us send lists for birthdays.

OP posts:
PablosHoney · 28/08/2020 17:34

And you sound like a real treat @Cissyandflora 😂

ktp100 · 28/08/2020 17:34

I'm with you, OP. I think it's pathetic for an adult to demand that much attention on a birthday - who gives a shit about birthdays, honestly?!

I take it you have kids? I just can't imagine making the rest of the family, especially children, devote half of the best family day of the entire year to a grown adult who should get the feck over themselves. As you said, why can't he just celebrate another day?!

I'd be honest and tell your Mum why you don't want to host them. If it ruined Xmas day for you as a kid, why would you put your kids through it?

PablosHoney · 28/08/2020 17:35

He sent a list 😱

forrestgreen · 28/08/2020 17:35

I'd say to her you haven't invited them before because you presumed he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his family. You'd love to see her but if they come she's in charge of organising his birthday and only if he opens his gifts after your Christmas meal.

That way the kids get their fun, everyone has had a drink and won't care/pay attention. And only buy him one gift that has barely any sellotape on. Make sure there's a film on and the kids are otherwise entertained. Watch him open two gifts then offer a round of drinks etc to escape.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 17:35

Just tell her the truth. But no, I wouldn't host him at all. He's a cunt.