To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

He's a Dick OP, a firm No is all that is required, and OP you sound amazing, good on you for defending your kids/family Christmas.

What a manchild.

I don't really get why a person should be expected to be 'nice', and to bend over backwards, making a special family day, all about someone who has never been 'nice' to them, and has never contributed in any meaningful, positive way but instead was a fairly toxic presence in their lives.

Because they have a vagina?

It's sad that it limits her mother's ability to share in the family celebration, but she's making her choice too. She's choosing (still) to pander to Brian and put him first, and wanting and attempting to manipulate OP into buying into the whole tedious performance too.

OP is choosing not to put herself and her family through that.

I think it comes down to whether you want to do this thing as a nice thing for your Mum enough to make dealing with him with worthwhile or not.
If you don't, then don't. If you do you have the choice of going all out the way he likes it - and doing that as a gift to your mum so she could enjoy Christmas with you - or doing what most adults would consider a reasonable amount of birthday celebrating on the day, and ignoring him if he throws a strop.
Whatever route you pick I wouldn't feel guilty about it. It sounds like he has given you ample crap Christmas days already.

No way I would be hosting the big sulking manbaby who wants Christmas Day to be all about him.

Kids need a big fuss on their birthdays... adults don't. If adults do want a great big fuss, then they can organise it themselves. And if they're born on Christmas Day then they can always choose an "official" birthday to celebrate on instead (like the Queen) - and frankly I think I would probably prefer to do this if my birthday fell on Christmas Day. Much better for everyone.

He sounds a complete twat and I wouldn't lift a finger to enable his twattiness.

I think you need to spell it out to your mother how you feel about it. He makes a big deal about HIS birthday (like a giant man baby) and doesn't return the favour for you and your family at all. You have no intention of ruining Christmas for your kids or yourself for his benefit. If she wants to come to your place, then fine - she's more than welcome, but it's not going to be all about him. If he thinks he's going to come over, enjoy your hospitality and then sulk because there's not going to be birthday cake and presents and the day all about him, then he will be told to go home.

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.

I don't blame you, he sounds awfully self centred. No mature adult would expect that much fuss. I don't celebrate my birthday anymore except a small day out with my family and if I did extend it to wider family I'd definitely expect to work around other commitments.

This is nothing to do with hosting someone's birthday on Christmas day and everything to do with your mum's husband being a dick.
Stick to your guns. Do not host them or he will ruin your Christmas. Even if you celebrated his birthday with a whole carnival he would still find something to sulk and complain about because that's what he enjoys: the power.
He is reaping what he sows now that you are old enough to not have to out up with this shit and sadly your mum is suffering the consequences of pandering to him by not seeing you on Christmas day.
She made her choice and now you're absolutely right to make your choice in enjoying life with your family.

Your description of him conjures up a Michael Scott-esque personality (The office USA). I would avoid this too!

I'm not big on this kind of caper myself. Why don't you be straight with your mum? Just say you don't want the birthday extravaganza? She can have a word in his shell-like or he can head to his daughter's. Christmas is so pressurised, it's seldom fun. And count your blessings that none of your children are Crimbo babies ;)

Gosh I think you sound quite harsh and unkind.

How would you feel if it was your birthday everyone was supposed to ignore so they could celebrate something else?

Why can't you and his dd alternate?

You may not like him much but she's you mum.

If them staying at yours doesn't work and they have to stay due to distance why not suggest they book a hotel or air B and B?

I think that you owe it to your mum. Just once. And just tolerate the pillock. Stick some birthday candles into the Xmas pudding and hand him a cracker as a b day present. If he sulks, all the better. You don't have to talk to him.

And tell him that you've cooked him a very special roast dinner just for his birthday!

I would say that your mum is also part of the problem... she has been allowing this to happen and allowing her dickhead husband to spoil Christmas (and no doubt many other days) for her kids.

Now that you are a parent yourself, you can fully appreciate how wrong it would be to go along with that. But she did, year after year.

Sometimes you make your choices and you have to live with the consequences. That's the situation your mum is in now. You seem to be more concerned about the quality of her Christmas than she ever was with yours... time to step back and protect your own kids. Don't let this guy spoil the fun for any more generations of your family.

@Arthersleep

I think that you owe it to your mum. Just once. And just tolerate the pillock. Stick some birthday candles into the Xmas pudding and hand him a cracker as a b day present. If he sulks, all the better. You don't have to talk to him.

Yeah, just let the kids see all that on Christmas Day. Nope.

Gosh he sounds like a nightmare.

A pal of mine had a Christmas Birthday and they did his birthday celebrations in the morning, and Christmas in the afternoon/evening. He loved it - guaranteed fun with all his family and no school!

He sounds an utter bellend!
I don’t know any adult who expects this level of fuss on a birthday, I’m assuming he’s in his 60s at least?
Be honest and tell your mum you’d love to have her but you won’t be doing a birthday, he can be a big boy and celebrate another day like many do due to work/ family commitments.

@RadicalFern

This sounds like my mum’s husband’s ideal
scenario! We could stop the kids from opening their presents completely in the morning and everyone could just stop and watch him opening unending soaps and socks 😂😂😂😂😂 Then all afternoon he could do Christmas with the rest of us whilst repeating “it’s my birthday AND my Christmas so it’s doubly-special for me” over and over while everyone fake laughs

@SBTLove he’s in his 70s. Yes he could just celebrate a few days later? I’ve never understood why he doesn’t. He could have the whole day then and we’d all celebrate him of course. If mum suggested that, I’d host them for Christmas, I just don’t know how to broach it with her really. She acknowledges his sulking in conversation and sort of shrugs it off. She knows he’s difficult, she always says he’s company for her and says she can’t change him.

Oh dear God.

I mean, your Mum could make the choice for her to come to yours, and he can go to his poor daughters?

As I said further up, I'm cheerfully selfish and protective of my family's Christmas. We do everything we can to make it a happy, relaxed day, that is fun for everybody. People are welcome to join us - but they need to fit in. That's the price for us doing all the work and bearing all the expense of hosting Christmas.

(I'd be very happy to do something for a loved one or friend's birthday if they came, but not for a manipulative, egocentric arsehole, who had already made a misery of far too much of far too many of my Christmases already).

No way - he spoiled your Christmases as a child with his manchild panderings - don't let him ruin your kids' Christmases too.

@mbosnz she wouldn’t have a Christmas away from him unfortunately. She’s actually really good fun when she’s on her own, very witty and a wicked sense of humour. I would love to host her here without him but that isn’t an option sadly. I don’t mind him coming along of course, he’s her husband. Christmas is all about the kids in this house though, besides my husband really can’t bear him and wouldn’t even consider allowing his shenanigans on Christmas Day so it won’t happen.

I think you sound a little mean

I have seen so many threads lately about middle aged (well older than middle aged unless they are all going to live to 110) kicking off when things dont go their way. Like a load of embarrassing old Violet Elizabeth Botts. What is it with my generation? Then we look at the youngsters and wonder why a lot appear so entitled?

Well, sadly, she's making her choice. It's a shame for you and your family, but I'm with your husband. Families. Families and Christmas. . .

I hope he’s rich by way of compensation for all this.