To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

You sound a little selfish actually. Although I can understand not wanting to have an adult sulking about his birthday, not celebrating at all seems mean.

This is not OP's husband, it's her Mothers husband. Her Mother should be the one having celebrations, sounds more like her Mother cannot be arsed with his expectations either.

The sulking from him would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t put up with that at all let alone on Christmas Day. You could make the effort to celebrate this grown man’s birthday (no biggie) but if he decides you haven’t done enough to mark the occasion he then spoils the rest of Christmas Day by creating a shite atmosphere? Nope, wouldn’t put up with that. But then again, I haven’t spent Christmas with one of my sisters for years due to her and her husbands frequent screaming rows on special occasions. Life’s too short.

Can't you just say to your mum something like "Mum, I would love to have you with us for Christmas Day, but as it's Your Husband's birthday, I don't think he'd want to celebrate the day the way we like to do it, and I wouldn't want to cause any tensions. When we were growing up it always felt like a really long time to wait to watch him unwrap his birthday presents, and perhaps I'm wrong but I think he'd still expect quite a fuss made of him if you guys came here and I just don't want our kids to have to share the day. It might be a bit irrational of me, but I can't see it going well. But we would love to have you for Boxing Day or New Year."

Every one of your posts spoke volumes already about this man, OP.

Then this:

to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.

No. You don't like him.

I can see why!

Not only did this man not take on the role of stepdad, he didn't even keep neutrally in the background - sounds like he came into your childhood to take take take and he still expects to do it now.

You reap what you sow.

If he'd been a pleasant, supportive stepdad, you'd be saying the same lovely things about funny birthday memories at Xmas that some other posters are. And you'd be only too happy to have them there. Instead, you don't want your children dictated to on Christmas Day. I don't blame you.

Have them visit on boxing day and 27th? That way you can avoid the birthday thing. You could always say 'As he's so close to his daughter we thought you'd want to celebrate his birthday and Christmas with his daughter but why don't you come see us on Boxing day and we'll have a lovely time then'.

I'm selfish about Christmas.

We have a lovely relaxed Christmas, the way we want it. Anyone that wants to come and spend it with us, they're very welcome, but we expect them to fit in with us, not the other way round. (We've had family do so, and they love it, especially when they fall asleep after Christmas lunch, and they know they are safe to sleep 13 solid hours straight without being woken up, after working every available hour in hospo' in the run up to Christmas!)

We stopped going to Christmas with my family except for a very few occasions, because it was so stressful and tense, there'd be tears, martyrdom, arguments, and bugger that for a game of soldiers.

He sounds so self obsessed. I rarely if ever celebrate my birthday on the day itself. If we are doing much for it we would organise drinks on a weekend nearby etc.

I find this obsession with having a huge fuss made on your birthday every year narcissistic, tbh. It's just a birthday, we all have them every year its really not a big deal unless it's a special milestone birthday (21st, 50th).

A grown man! DS has a Christmas Day birthday and we hardly acknowledge it, he has a cake which we serve at tea time. It has always been like this, I knew he’d never have a ‘normal birthday’ so we celebrate him turning something and a half every year (he is still a child) that way he gets decent summer birthday parties and people actually come which wouldn’t happen xmas week and it gives us a chance to spread gifts out as otherwise it’s a long time between opportunities for new bikes, games etc. I can’t imagine him sulking as an adult because it wasn’t all about him, he doesn’t expect it all to be about him now!

I would do it once every few years if it made my mum happy. I wouldn’t do it every year though. But I reckon my mum deserves a bit of accommodating. If your mum is not generally good to you it may be different.

[quote Youzam]@UnfinishedSymphon I’ve never hosted them for Christmas, just wondering if others would.

@Lilybet1980 I just find it a bit pathetic really. I don’t celebrate my birthday in the actual day if it’s midweek, I just pick a weekend day near and celebrate then. Most adults can cope with that. Why can’t he just celebrate on any of the countless days we’re all sat around between Christmas and New Year? It spoils the day for everyone else making it all about him.[/quote]
wait, what You've just chucked this in the middle as if it's normal but I have NEVER heard of someone waiting until the weekend to celebrate their birthday if it happens (as the majority of the time it will) to fall on a week day.

So if your birthday is on a monday you don't open your cards and presents until Saturday? You don't do anything on the actual day, not have a cake, go out for a meal, nothing? Why?

This is so bizarre. I mean I could understand when a child having a big party on the weekend, or even now if you were celebrating a 'big' 30th or something but I would still celebrate my birthday...on my actual birthday, not put it on hold for half a week.

Oh and I was going to say you were mean and to celebrate his birthday as a one off but your last update makes your step father sound like an absolute PITA so can understand your reasoning!

My MIL comes to us every Christmas. It’s also her birthday on Christmas Day. Of course we make a fuss with cards, cakes, banners, balloons. Why wouldn’t we? It hardly spoils Christmas to have an extra cake and a few more decorations.

MIL grew up dirt poor in rural Ireland during the depression. She was the youngest of 17 and consequently there was no fuss for birthdays because there was no money for that sort of thing. It’s a pleasure to be able to spoil her a bit now.

my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all”

I think this is really rude and hinting like this would really annoy me!

If she wants a big lovely Christmas so much, she can host it! It doesn’t matter how big her house is-presumably she has a table you can all squish round?!

It's the kind of thing I'd totally understand and would make a huge effort with if I liked the person, but would bitch about if I didn't.

My birthday is Xmas Eve and I have 4 DC. Im lucky to get a highspeed birthday lunch and half an hour of present opening. That is all fine with me because I am an adult and the world doesnt revolve around me. Im happy to be focussed on enjoying a lovely Christmas with everyone around me and its a pleasure to always have them there for my birthday as they are all home for Christmas.

This man sounds like a toddler. Dont disrupt you Christmas for him. At most have an honest conversation with your DM so she can decide what is more important to her... pandering to her husband or Christmas with you and the DC

Any adult who stops children playing with their presents on Christmas day because the limelight should be on him and his birthday is absolutely pathetic.

I can understand why people would go the extra mile for a child whose birthday is on Christmas Day- but an adult? Really?

@Thecobwebsarewinning

My MIL comes to us every Christmas. It’s also her birthday on Christmas Day. Of course we make a fuss with cards, cakes, banners, balloons. Why wouldn’t we? It hardly spoils Christmas to have an extra cake and a few more decorations.

MIL grew up dirt poor in rural Ireland during the depression. She was the youngest of 17 and consequently there was no fuss for birthdays because there was no money for that sort of thing. It’s a pleasure to be able to spoil her a bit now.

It is lovely that you choose to do that for your MIL. Does she demand that though and does she sulk if she doesn't get exactly what she wants or be allowed to take up half the day?

Choosing to make a fuss of someone is lovely. Having an adult demand all of the attention while the children have to sit and look on is a bit different.

I have a Christmas bday - not the actual day. I’m an adult - well into my 40s. I’ve long accepted lots of people are busy around my birthday and have had something low key that I usually do on the closest weekend if the day itself is not ideal.

Also all adults when their birthday falls on a work day surely shift their celebration to the most convenient time. Hell, kids do - part ly at the weekend if it is a school day. Few presents on the actual day

@thevassal As an adult my birthday consist of one or two things to open from dh with a cup of tea in bed, a card from my parents and the occasional friend, then a normal day, but we would generally go out for something to eat in the evening although not religiously. I’ve been over banners balloon and fuss since I turned 13. I’m amazed a grown man expects anything more (with the exception of big milestone birthdays)

Op just a suggestion, could you do birthday breakfast? after the kids have opened their presents have a cooked breakfast, some birthday sprinkles on the table and his gifts on his place setting, you can eat whilst you watch him open them and you have the excuse of ‘getting on with the lunch’ to knock it all on the head sharpish. Don’t bat an eye if the children play with their gifts during the performance, the ‘cake’ could be a stack of breakfast pastries with a candle stuck in the top. Happy birthday sung, done.

@SeaToSki

I’m with you

I think his birthday should be acknowledged but a big fuss? No.. a bit cheeky somebody inviting you for Christmas and going expecting a birthday party! Expecting you to pay for his party as it just so happens to fall on Christmas and you want to see your mum bit of a CF in my opinion

to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids

OP should have included this in her original post ...

He's a selfish twat and I wouldn't have in my house if I could avoid it, let alone celebrate his birthday on Christmas when this is what's expected.

Tell your mum no and tell her why.

Tell your mum straight next time she hints:

If you are angling for me to host at Christmas then no, because I don't want to do it.

If she asks why then be honest and tell her that it's because her husband insists on taking over the day, and sulking if his birthday isn't done how he wants it.

You’re being very, very mean OP. No one has to celebrate their birthday on a different day to when it actually falls.

My mum has a Christmas Eve birthday and we always make a thing of it no matter how busy we are with getting ready for Christmas Day.

@PiataMaiNei

He finds that unacceptable and sulks so that won't work.

Yes, nobody suggesting OP enforce a compromise option seems to have read that part. Based on the information we have, and because we cannot assume he's going to behave differently to how he has in the past, there are three choices. One, he doesn't come at all. Two, he comes, gets his own way and behaves. Three, he comes, doesn't get his own way and he sulks. That's what OP is picking from.

This is exactly it.

I'd be tempted to get a copy of his birth certificate & see if he really was born on Christmas Day. I wouldn't put it past a certain type of person to invent that as a means of getting all the attention, on an occasion which should focus on children. Some people cannot bear attention to be anywhere but on them.