To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

I'm totally with you OP.

He sounds tedious. I would be saying to my Mum... you're welcome to come for Christmas Day but could you get all Brian's birthday nonsense out the way the day before please, because it is Christmas Day. Of course we wil sing Happy Birthday, you can bring a cake, and he can open our present but That Will Be It, back to Christmas.

Some people are so ridiculous about birthdays. The big 30 40 50 60 70 or whatever... yes of course, but apart from that, he should be grateful he is spending a lovely Christmas Day with his wife's family and just stop acting like a child.

Ok yes you should definitely talk to your mum - something clear like Mum we’d love you to be here for Christmas but hell will freeze over before I subject my children to the mind numbingly boring Brian present opening extravaganza. So if he comes he gets a cake and happy Birthday, some chocolates, the only reason to hand them around is to offer them around, there will be no Brian present opening procession of admiration, and if he sulks he can go sit in the other room to not spoil my children’s Christmas. Do you still want to come?

Why can't he just go to his daughter's house and he hogs the day enjoys his birthday there?
He does.

It is just unfortunate for people whose birthday is on or near Christmas Day. They either think they have less or actually do get less than others. Just one of those things. But most men I have know never fussed about their birthdays whenever it was. All the celebrations and presents of birthdays are for children really IMHO. A grown man can seem silly.

I know you've described how it was when you were a DC but I still struggle to see how he would take up half of your Christmas Day. You sing happy birthday, blow out candles, he opens his presents.You don't need to force your DCs to watch him open presents. That was your DM's tradition. It doesn't have to be your's.
You also have to admit that every single year, not hosting his birthday is more important to you than hosting your DM. You may be focusing on the wrong priority. Ultimately you're not 'punishing' her DH. You're punishing her.

@Cooltalkin

You will regret this stance in yrs to come when your mum isn’t around anymore she would obv love to spend Xmas with you but you are blocking it cos of her husband , let her have it , it’s not every year and won’t kill you Let her buy his cake ( if logistically realistic ) give him an extra pressie Sing happy bday and get on with enjoying it

Shove off with the guilt tripping nonsense. Also RTFT. He isn't satisfied with an extra pressie and singing happy birthday.

Bloody hell! Ok in light of your update I’ve changed my mind.

I know you've described how it was when you were a DC but I still struggle to see how he would take up half of your Christmas Day. You sing happy birthday, blow out candles, he opens his presents.You don't need to force your DCs to watch him open presents. That was your DM's tradition. It doesn't have to be your's.

The OP has stated that on the one occasion he didn't get exactly what he wanted at his own daughter's, he sulked all day. That must have been an unpleasant experience for everyone present. If she follows your advice, she risks the same happening at her house. Why on earth would OP want to expose her own children to this behaviour?

Not guilt tripping At all
It’s not like she has to do it every year , but once wouldn’t kill op would it ? I would concentrate more on having my mum over and enjoying the day with her , keep his b day Bit to a minimum ( your house your rules )
Seems bit mean on her
Mum that’s all

The man isn't OP's stepdad and went to great lengths to not be so when she was growing up. OP is not being unreasonable to not want to fuss over him on Christmas now that the years have passed and he wants to be 'included', when that actually means fussed over and prioritised.

I would tell your mum that if she comes, it will only be a Christmas celebration on the day, and you won't be throwing her husband's birthday celebration into the mix.

Op I would tell your mum they can come but there won't be any time spent celebrating his bday. It's xmas and is for your kids and not for him. If he wants to celebrate his bday he can do something another day. It sounds pathetic his nonsense and i too wouldn't want anything to do with it. You might need to explain to your mum why you don't want him there.

Don't most adults celebrate their birthdays the weekend before/after their birthday?? My birthday is Halloween but the 31st is always about Halloween (I have children) i celebrate my birthday either before or after. My DH /DC give me my card/present in the morning the rest of the day is Halloween, then we have cake for pudding. I would never expect anyone to make the day about me I'm an adult and understand that life isn't all about me and my birthday.
I think you've every right to refuse to host if he makes it all about him. I'd just say to your mum "I'd love to host but wouldn't DH be put out that you aren't celebrating his birthday?"

He sounds like a knob.

Or op. If you mum says it would be so nice spending Xmas together. Say not really as her husband will make it all about his bday and ruin it for everyone else like he did when you were kids.

Tell him to create a fuss in his own bloody house, your Christmas Day is for your Kids. Your Mum/his Wife obviously cannot be arsed with his needy behaviour either, otherwise they'd just be getting on with his birthday at home.

You sound a little selfish actually. Although I can understand not wanting to have an adult sulking about his birthday, not celebrating at all seems mean.

I have a friend who's birthday is also Xmas day. And because there are so many Xmas events on around the time, she has struggled with actually celebrating her birthday at all, let alone on, say, the next weekend, because people get partied out, or are planning a quiet evening ready for the next party or event. People with birthdays on or around Xmas really can get the short straw. I generally take her out for a meal on 27th or 28th Dec, and we have a few drinks to celebrate then.

I see nothing wrong with setting aside some time for cake, card, gift, etc, but would not be bothering with banners, etc. I mean, I generally have a full on day anyway, so squeezing in a birthday would be hard.

I think a PP got it right when they suggested - if he won't move the celebrations to Christmas Eve or Boxing Day - that you dedicate a timeslot to celebrating his birthday; and the best slot is later afternoon into the evening. That way younger children are happy because they've already had their presents; and you can be 'numbed' sufficiently to bear the attention being on him for an hour or two.

" I would concentrate more on having my mum over and enjoying the day with her"

But if she panders to him and he's sulking, that's what she will concentrate on. Why should anyone have Christmas Day ruined because of a selfish adult? The OP was treated badly as a child, they won't hesitate to try to do the same to her children.

He sounds mental

Oh, and don't pander to his wishes. Birthday presents don't have to be small and individually wrapped, they can be big and wrapped in a bundle.

@Cooltalkin

Not guilt tripping At all It’s not like she has to do it every year , but once wouldn’t kill op would it ? I would concentrate more on having my mum over and enjoying the day with her , keep his b day Bit to a minimum ( your house your rules ) Seems bit mean on her Mum that’s all

He finds that unacceptable and sulks so that won't work.

He finds that unacceptable and sulks so that won't work.

Yes, nobody suggesting OP enforce a compromise option seems to have read that part. Based on the information we have, and because we cannot assume he's going to behave differently to how he has in the past, there are three choices. One, he doesn't come at all. Two, he comes, gets his own way and behaves. Three, he comes, doesn't get his own way and he sulks. That's what OP is picking from.

Your poor mother, and poor you.

I wouldn’t invite them for Christmas, and I would also tell my mother why.

My mother ( widow) comes to our house every year at Christmas, for just over 20 years.
I have siblings, I think she’s missed coming to ours three times that I can think of.
We’d like it to change, but siblings don’t want to put themselves out.

They might do lots of other things for her, one sibling I particular.

But for once we’d like a Christmas that we want...hassle free and relaxed.

I don't pander to children sulking, and I'm minded to do so even less, with adults.

100%. I also teach my DC that when you attend someone's house as a guest, behaving with good manners as a bare minimum requirement. If he can't cope with either, at his time of life it's high time he learnt.

OK so laying on a cake wouldn't be too great a stretch (does he like Christmas cake?) but a 'happy birthday to you' singing ceremony' - for a grown ADULT? Do they all have to switch off the lights while he blows the candles out, too? Honestly, there are no words which quite describe how pathetic that is.

I'd not at all like the thought of relinquishing every Christmas with a mother I loved. It might even be worth putting up with it once every few years to share that precious time with her. But I wouldn't be rolling over and capitulating to the every whim of a sulky overgrown child, either. Ignoring his birthday would be descending to his level, but slapping a cake on the table with some basic presents he can open at his leisure would more than suffice. Kids free to leave the table and play with their presents once they've eaten pudding, and I'd be getting up and loading the dishwasher.

In the end, OP's mother is the one who chose to pander to this wuss. OP didn't get a choice. OP, YADNBU.

He sounds absolutely pathetic. I would tell your mother that whilst you would love to have her for Christmas day you won't be inviting her as her husband wants it to be all about him and you had enough of that in the past to last you a lifetime. She obviously didn't care that he took over her childrens Christmas day somI wouldn't feel guilty pointing that out to her.