Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Thurmanmurman · 28/08/2020 18:18

He needs to grow up. I find adults who want a massive fuss on their birthday very weird. Fair enough if he’s 8 years old.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 18:19

Ooooh, the worst words we can throw - you sound mean, you're not being nice, you're being selfish, would it hurt you just to. . .

ZooKeeper19 · 28/08/2020 18:26

@Youzam I agree! Birthday is not really something to celebrate, and if you want, do it yourself. Christmas is a lovely time for chilling and each family has its ways, I personally would find strangers/people I do not live with invading.

And having a full blown celebration of someone's B-day in my house on Christmas day - not gonna happen. Nah. Thanks.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 18:26

@Fluffycloudland77 my mum is a lot wealthier than him but that is a whole other story. She’s definitely not with him for money though. It’s company and companionship so she says. I asked her many times when I was a teenager if she was in love with him and she said life isn’t always about that and she’d be lonely on her own. I think my father was the love of her life really. Anyway, I do try with him generally just for her, it’s his birthday celebration over Christmas Day that winds me up.

OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 28/08/2020 18:27

Your mum sounds like she wants to spend Christmas Day with you. That's all that would matter to me, if I have to also get a birthday cake and stick a balloon on the door or whatever then so be it.

M0nstermunch · 28/08/2020 18:31

YANBU at all. It's a shame for your mum but I really couldn't be doing with that either.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 18:34

While I was prepared to suck it up buttercup on many things when I didn't have children, I find I'm a lot less prepared to require them to suck it up buttercup, and tolerate people's bullshit and inflict it on them.

autumnkate · 28/08/2020 18:37

Hell
No

autumnkate · 28/08/2020 18:38

I find adults who insist on celebrating their birthdays like children to be very annoying.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2020 18:40

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
@Youzam, what is stopping you from raising this with your mother next times she drops one of her hints? You say she

"hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on."

But rather than tell her the truth, you "just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her."

This just means that her hinting is hanging over your head, her all hopeful because you haven't said NO. Wouldn't it be better to put it to bed, once and for all?

I get that you're struggling to put it into words.So how about, to start you off, maybe something along these lines:

Because Mum, a proper Christmas dinner would be pushed into second place by your husband. Do you not remember Christmases when I was a child? Do you not remember us not being allowed to play with our new Christmas toys until he had s-l-o-w-l-y unwrapped all his presents and we had all commented on each and every one? Do you not remember? So no, Mum - I do not think it would be lovely at all. Because he won't let it be about Christmas, because he prioritises his birthday over a joint Christmas. I will not sideline Christmas, and I will not have his expectations or his sulking affecting my children's Christmas. It's probably best you stop hinting about spending Christmas here, because we both know he will make it all about him, and I am NOT having that under MY roof. So please stop hinting.

If you don't have a conversation with her, she's just going to plough on. Give her the reason why not.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 18:40

@mbosnz Yes I think that’s exactly how I feel! It’s the children’s day and it’s special for us. No one is ruining it. His birthday can be celebrated elsewhere and/ or another day. Either way, it’s up to him but it won’t be ruining our Christmas Day that’s for sure.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/08/2020 18:41

Because Mum, a proper Christmas dinner would be pushed into second place by your husband. Do you not remember Christmases when I was a child? Do you not remember us not being allowed to play with our new Christmas toys until he had s-l-o-w-l-y unwrapped all his presents and we had all commented on each and every one? Do you not remember? So no, Mum - I do not think it would be lovely at all. Because he won't let it be about Christmas, because he prioritises his birthday over a joint Christmas. I will not sideline Christmas, and I will not have his expectations or his sulking affecting my children's Christmas. It's probably best you stop hinting about spending Christmas here, because we both know he will make it all about him, and I am NOT having that under MY roof. So please stop hinting.

Work of bloody art. . .

SBTLove · 28/08/2020 18:41

she always says he’s company for her
So is cat or dog!!
In his 70s and behaving like a petulant child, I’m embarrassed for him.
Is he completely lacking in self awareness?
If your mum mentions Xmas just say I’d love to have you but we wouldn’t be pandering to birthday bellend, Xmas is for the kids.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 18:41

@WhereYouLeftIt thank you, I will think about talking to mum. You’re right that the subject still feels sort of “open”.

OP posts:
RadicalFern · 28/08/2020 18:44

@Youzam

I don't think his parents would have let him get away with pouting and sulking about not getting what he wanted though (and his enormous horde of brothers wouldn't have either!)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/08/2020 18:50

Think how many Christmas Days you get with your kids whilst they are still kids?
If you don't want to host him, don't do it.
As you say you can always see your mum shortly after with a gift etc for him. I always think of Christmas as a week anyway, so its still seeing her at "Christmas Time" IYSWIM

Whym · 28/08/2020 18:52

I’m with you OP. He sounds like a child to me..banners, etc for his birthday. I’d not be happy doing all of that.

Veryverycalmnow · 28/08/2020 18:55

I think he needs to grow up. Birthdays are not such a big deal. He definitely doesn't need to make half of Christmas day all about him! I don't think you sound horrible

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 18:56

Or there's asking your Mum, 'is Brian still an utter cockwomble of a manchild about his birthday on Christmas? He is? Such a shame. Having had to suffer through it as a child, I'm afraid I'm not offering my kid's christmas up on a platter to have to sit through the same.'

Mummacake · 28/08/2020 19:00

OP could your mum and her husband celebrate his birthday on the morning at their home then come to you for Christmas dinner? That way, you can wish him happy birthday 2?when he arrives whilst ensuring Christmas day at your home is about your family & the kids. If he wants to sulk then that's his look out but is unacceptable. Your mum needs to compromise on this unfortunately, but she needs to understand what the 'rules' are so to speak - you have the job of spelling it out to her. A friend of my mum is the same, married for company - he's awful, no-one likes him and he lives in another country half the time - so much for company.......

Passmethefrazzles · 28/08/2020 19:01

I’d say “Mum, you’re welcome to come but if your DH wants to come too, he has to accept that this is a Christmas celebration not a birthday party.” Give him a small gift and card, one quick round of “Happy Birthday” and that’s it. If he can’t accept that with good grace he can bugger off to his daughter’s.
You can’t spend Christmas Day pandering to this manchild. No, you’re definitely not horrible!!

HermioneKipper · 28/08/2020 19:04

Totally agree with you, no way would I be doing that nonsense on Christmas Day, spoiling things for your children. Especially as it brings back horrible memories for you. I can’t believe your mum allowed this every year 😡

As someone who also doesn’t like her mums partner (definitely not step dad material in any way and who I get on with purely for my mums sake who also doesn’t like being alone) I totally sympathise. You’re an adult now, don’t let this pathetic man mess with anymore of your christmasses And definitely not your childrens.

Whenwillthisbeover · 28/08/2020 19:05

Your both very welcome mum but we will be celebrating Christmas here and if Bill wants to celebrate his birthday he needs to do it at home before you come.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 19:07

LOL, I can just imagine them coming, and Brian sulking in the corner, while everybody cheerfully has Christmas around him. . .

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2020 19:14

I wouldnt want to host a birthday for someone outside of my immediate family, on christmas day. If we were close and he happened to come then I'd expect mother to bring the birthday cake and cut it at tea time. I'd obviously give him a small gift, but wouldn't make a big deal of it. The adults in our house just get a token gift e.g. alcohol/chocolates, card and a cake.

Swipe left for the next trending thread