Have you and your partner/spouse both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered?

[Dr1ppin]

I keep reading that you ‘can’t have it all’ and something has to give. My husband is currently the breadwinner and works long hours but I want to start focusing on my career now (he has never stopped me and has only ever encouraged me). I just wondered how realistic it is of me to expect to be able to focus on my career whilst raising children especially if my husband works long hours? Our children are 18 months and newborn. Is it going to be one or the other for me?

I would like to know about the wrap around care in everyone's area.
Where I live there is not much uptake.
Breakfast clubs, afterschool clubs are very poorly attended, three of our local primary schools have had to consolidate, as only 2 or three children from each school attending after school clubs.
Does it work in your area?
Quite unpopular here.

@speakout - around here, huge waiting lists and demand massively outstrips supply. Lots of people have to use childminders or nannies even if they would prefer after school club

HazelWong

How interesting.
Here only 3 or 4 children have afterschool club per school.
So the need to have a "walking bus" for the three local primary schools to deliver care for the 12 or 15 children that are delivered that service.

What are the other kids doing after school?

Only about 25% of mothers are SAHMs (and many of those will be for preschool children) so if it's all SAHMs, that is quite unusual

There's not much in our area speakout. Or at least there wasn't when mine were primary age, it may have changed in more recent years. We live in a fairly rural area where most people have families nearby who help with childcare, and there is one huge nearby employer that has the day shift finish at 4pm. That means that the majority of those who do want after school care only want it til 4.30. Our primary had no breakfast club and the after school activities finished at 4.30 as there wasn't much demand for any more than that. If you didn't work at the big employer, or have extended family in the area, it was tough. I was lucky in that my DH worked from home most of the time and so did most of the school runs or it would have been difficult. Occasionally there would be days when he was away and I had to be at work for 8.30. Fortunately there were always some staff in at school by 8am and they used to let my children sit and read in the classroom once in a while. I'm sure they weren't supposed to, but I was very grateful for their help!

Hazelwong is right, only 1 in 4 mums do not work

Also just under 50% of UK families have 2 full time working parents even for under 2s, it dips slightly then increase above 50% by age.

That's probably overly represented in urban areas so you can imagine the demand for wraparound childcare (and need for nannies if you had to get home after 6pm or had shift hours like some health professionals)

Where I live, the afterschool clubs have waiting lists. i signed my youngest up in April.

www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2019#employment-rates-for-parents-in-the-uk

MissMuscle

I think there is a disparity over certain communities.
I raised my children in rural scotland- close knit communities, lots of family childcare on hand.
Mostly lower working class- working mothers on minimum wage, so unless family childcare then childcare was out of the question.
So many mothers could not afford to work unless family nearby.

*Hazelwong is right, only 1 in 4 mums do not work

Also just under 50% of UK families have 2 full time working parents even for under 2s, it dips slightly then increase above 50% by age.*

These stats paint a false picture.

One foot in a bucket of icy water and another in a bucket of uncomfortably hot water doesn't make for a pleasant average

After school club is £20 per session per child here

You do the maths for two kids x five nights a week each term.

To be fair, we do live in a ridiculously expensive part of the country.

RUOK wow, that is ridiculous! We pay £5 a session and it adds up enough. How can they possibly justify that price?

I honestly don’t know how they get away with it. Or why they don’t have more competition. They’re a private outsourced company but they service only our primary school. They pick up the children and do a walking bus to a nearby local hall. They also run the breakfast club in the school hall and that is an extra £10 per session. Eye watering.

I have no idea why the school itself doesn’t just do its own wrap around clubs. It would make so much more sense. Apparently this was raised with the head in the past but nothing ever came of it.

In our case, it is my career that has suffered. I did go full time a few years ago but it was senior management and it wasn't flexible. I had awful Mummy guilt as a result. I quit my job last year and we are all much happier.

DD has severe dyslexia and other needs and I'd imagine I'll stay off for another 4yrs until she is in secondary, or until I feel she can do her homework without major input.

H is the main breadwinner anyway and my career can be picked up again in a few years.

We both have good jobs, but I am struggling at the minute.
Dh works away Monday to Friday, in a really well paid job that he was lucky to fall into to be honest. He has no college/uni education but started at the bottom and worked his way up.
I studied for years to get to the point I was at when we had out first DC. I didnt want to give up what I worked so hard for so went back to work and worked hard again. Have had a couple of career moves since then - new companies, more money.
We now have a second DC who is one. Again I went straight back to work after mat leave. It was tough but I got into a good pattern then Covid hit. It's a struggle at the minute with long working hours and 2 DC with reduced childcare while dh is away. (And I've just been asked to apply for a promotion)
Were renting at the minute but have just been approved a mortgage so will be building our dream house over the next year.
If we both continue working the children will have a big house in a really good scenic area, a massive garden, all the holidays they wish for and basically anything they want or need.
But I fear that they will look back when they're older and wont think of the good things but will just remember us working all the time. I feel massive guilt for the time me and dh spend working.
I think we'll have to build the house and then reassess the situation.

Sorry, to add to the above I am lucky that my work can be flexible with my hours. I make sure I'm always around for DC birthday, i have Christmas off, I'm off most weekends and take off first day back to school and important days like nativity plays as AL to be there for DC.

Our school will double in size over the next few years and recently had an extension to accommodate the extra people. Yet no extra space was allocated for the after school care. So I now pay for places that I don't necessarily need so it is available if I do as the demand is there and it will only increase as the school grows.

Our local state schools have breakfast club from 8, and after school club until 5. There is space for about 20% of kids maximum, waiting lists for years (by the time you get in your child will be in year 2 or 3).

We were managing it well until our second DS was born with a health condition that meant that he couldn’t be in childcare. It was just too much of a risk as he needed one on one supervision from someone who understood his condition.

Luckily my parents are supportive so DH was able to go part time rather than give up his job entirely. We pay my Mum to look after the DCs for the three days a week when DH works. I’m still full time as I am the higher earner.

I think it’s almost impossible if your DC have health concerns.

This has been a really interesting thread to read. DH and i both have professional careers in the same area but I work in industry whereas he works in practice. Both roles are flexible and have been more flexible recently due to Covid. I really enjoy my job and was recently promoted to a leadership role, DH is also on track for a promotion in the next few years.

Since maternity leave with DC1, I work 4 days a week and he usually works 5 but went down to 4 for a couple of months due to Covid. Having stepped up to do a lot more solo childcare as opposed to at the weekend when both of us are around has really opened his eyes to the amount of juggling between career and childcare that I have been doing since dropping to PT hours (still expected to produce same output of work as FT colleagues, having to drop things and leave to pick up etc) but he has loved having that additional time with them and I think he would quite like to stay at 4 days if his company allowed it.

Regarding balancing 2 careers and family life I would say that the only way we survive is to outsource - we use a nursery and childminder plus have a cleaner, Hello Fresh deliveries etc. Could probably use a gardener as well. I find that I carry a lot of the mental load and am trying to step back from acting as DH's PA and not reminding him of birthdays, MOT, insurance renewal for his car etc to break this cycle.

Financially I'd say at the moment we are in survival mode - DCs are 4 and 1. Childcare costs are astronomical as we have no family help. I certainly don't see the fabulous holidays that people further up the thread mention as despite good salaries we have childcare costs of around £2300 per month. Something I've noticed recently after months of lockdown etc is that my colleagues without children have so much more stamina at work as when they go on holiday they get a relaxing break from work on a quiet beach whereas this year holiday for us has either been covering when nursery was shut due to Covid or a couple of family days out to visit a farm etc. I feel like I never get a change to recharge my batteries and won't do for the rest of this year at least as the kids are amazing but non stop!

It depends on what your jobs are like and what support you have. We've tried to split things equally but DH has less flexibility than me so he tends to do some days of looking after DD, whilst I do the ones that involve short days and getting to a pick up eg at a certain time. If we had any family support it would undoubtedly be easier.

We also have a huge age gap so he will retire whilst she's primary school age, which is when my career will, hopefully, take off again (it ok at the mo, I've maintained it but haven't moved it forward much).
It's worth having a look at the 'Career Mum' page on Facebook.

'Having it all' often means 'doing it all' unless like others have said you have a supportive partner, significant local family support or the money to outsource.

My DH and I both have good careers with me now working PT. It's not been easy and during lockdown having him work from home has taken the pressure off me having to leave on time and battle a long commute home to pick up the kids in time.

I wouldn't want to not work, but it certainly adds extra stress.

DH and I have managed to "have it all" solely on the basis of geography.

We both have our careers, neither of which suffered with kids as I only had 16 weeks mat leave, but we also live offshore on a tiny, very wealthy island, so home, work and school/daycare was always in a 3 square mile radius.

I can leave work at 5pm, be home in 10 minutes, hang with the kids, work out, have drinks with friends etc., and then still do more work from home (or go back to the office after kids in bed), if I need to.

We have a helper who looks collects kids from school, cleans the house, walks the dogs, house sits when we're away and generally keeps our shit together, and in lieu of family, we have a very close knit group of friends and amazing community where everyone helps everyone else out.

It's the only way we can "have it all" - but it does also depend on one's definition of having it all.

I am pleased to be able to balance a successful career with family/social life but this would never be possible except here. If we were back in London, I would be a slave to the commute and would struggle to find an acceptable balance.

Sorry, don’t mean to derail the thread. If you both have careers and split house stuff 50/50, do you have time for anything else such as exercise, hobbies, friends, socialising? Or is life mostly about work and family?

We both go running, I do gym classes and DH is a keen cricket player. The main thing we do as a family is holidays and visits to our families in Canada and Belgium.

Lonoxo we have time, though tbh generally we socialise separately due to juggling the dc between us.

In truth, when the dc were tiny, neither of us had much energy for anything other than surviving, but things have got steadily better as the dc got older.

Obviously we probably have less time than a family where both parents aren't full time.

Depends what you mean by ‘successful’. We have a 2 year old. Our set up works really well and I do kind of feel we ‘have it all’ due to I believe a few factors, me being able to work from home full time so I can spend quality time in the evening (I am also main breadwinner), equal sharing of the household chores etc between me and husband, grandparent support one day per week (although we don’t need it at the moment), nursery 4 days per week , we earn enough to afford good childcare and could afford 5 days but choose not to. However, I do admit that although I earn just over £50k I have kind of given up on going for director level jobs as not important to me to be climbing the career ladder and if I really pushed myself I could earn a lot more in my industry, some people I know would see this as a compromise. We also live in a cheap area of the country so can afford a nice house, good childcare while not earning six figure salaries 🤷‍♀️