Have you and your partner/spouse both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered?

[Dr1ppin]

I keep reading that you ‘can’t have it all’ and something has to give. My husband is currently the breadwinner and works long hours but I want to start focusing on my career now (he has never stopped me and has only ever encouraged me). I just wondered how realistic it is of me to expect to be able to focus on my career whilst raising children especially if my husband works long hours? Our children are 18 months and newborn. Is it going to be one or the other for me?

So I hired a nanny and continued my career as a hospital doctor for the next 25 years until my retirement.
Having the luxury of a partner to share the load would have made it a doddle. If any mums on here are wondering how to continue their career - how do you think single mums cope?

Everyone has different circumstances.

A single mum with available and willing grandparents to provide free childcare will find working full time much easier than a married mum whose husband works immovable shifts, is on minimum wage and has no wider family support for example

Ah, so the key is just to hire a full time nanny, why didn't I think of that?

A 'job' with children is do able. A 'career' is far more difficult. A career which has continuous upward progression demands far more commitment, time and educational input.

My part time job interests me and I enjoy it, but I can forget it at the end of the day. I don't need to bring work home, stay later at the office, spend time away on conferences and juggle childcare. Little kids at nursery spend half the time sick and snotty nosed. Not good if you need to keep them home and manage a challenging career.

A married couple with children can't have it all I'm afraid, something has to give. A nanny is an option, but then you risk rarely seeing your children and someone effectively replaces you in their affections. Nursery (extended times) are good but very young children emotionally need a central care giver. Boarding schools when they are older?

Also your value as,an employee is crucial. An employer is more likely to be adaptable and accommodating if your skill set is highly sought after and valued.

About shared parental leave: I agree that more men should be sharing this, but practically it wouldn’t have worked for me because at six months old no way was I ready to leave my baby. I was still breastfeeding and it just would have been too soon for me. Maybe at nine months and DH could’ve done three months.

It’s also absolutely true that DHs can be supportive in the abstract, but when it comes to actually rolling their sleeves up and doing the shit work, they suddenly have a conference call or business trip they need to be on

Only recently my DH was saying to me why don’t I try and get some freelance work during lockdown? I have all these skills and talents and we’re not realising their financial potential and that’s such a shame it’s all sitting there untapped, etc. And I was just like, um maybe because I’m homeschooling two kids during lockdown and running the house while you’re working in your study for 13 hours a day?

He was making all the right supportive noises but just was not joining up the dots to his own role in the big picture. Also, women sitting on untapped unrealised potential is the tragedy of the patriarchal system which keeps us underpaid and/or at home lumbered with the caring responsibilities! It’s not a new or unique concept DH!

Fucks sake.

The issue I have found is that because I took a year's maternity leave and then returned to work part time childcare is my issue and not DH's. He has been able to continue his career without any interruption.
I am the default if there is a sick child/ schools close etc.
I would definitely share parental leave and childcare from the off. Maternity leave absolutely screwed my career and the balance of power in my relationship.

Good childcare is necessary, a partner who is willing and does share the load, essential.

We had zero family support but could buy in help easily. I’m retired very early due to ill health now but have a decent pension. I even kept my cleaner for a couple of years after I stopped working but she switched jobs, still miss her.

DH has very flexible working and I had some flexible working, so he always covered all inset days.

I do think women have to be careful not to blame the system/the patriarchy rather than the father of their children.

I always made it crystal clear to my DH,in a non confrontational matter of fact way, that we would be sharing all the work with children and the house
If he hadn't agreed I wouldn't have married him.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

I really think it depends on what “successful career” actually means to you. Certainly to some that means reaching the highest level in their industry or specialty but to lots of us it means reaching a point where we’re earning a good salary in a role that we like (or like well enough most of the time!) that utilises our skills.

You ask Is it going to be one or the other for me? which in the context of your post I take to mean successful in career OR a good parent. It really doesn’t have to be either/or. Lots of us are able to be good parents to happy, well adjusted children AND good at our jobs.

I agree with this. My DH and I work reasonable hours in rewarding roles, and earn reasonable salaries. Plenty of people earn more than us, lots earn less. We have a good life balance and eat together as a family every night. For me, this represents both of us "having successful careers whilst raising children"

I'm not keen on the dynamic where one partner has a Big Job and the other has a Little Job. I feel that it leaves the person with the Little Job too vulnerable

You can have it all, but it takes proper teamwork and quite some effort to find the right jobs. My husband has a career in academia (flexible, but hard work), i have one in business (by now also flexible, but that’s fairly recent). We share kids sick days, pick up, drop off, sportsday, everything. its hard at times, but entirely possible, and i know several couples maling it work

to add, we have zero (absolutely zero!) family support

Another addition: we also shared maternity leave. if you hog the good bit (being on extended leave with your child), you can’t expect your partner to chip in fully for the not so great bits. that’s not how teamwork works. I took 5 months for the oldest, 6 for the youngest.

We have. The key in my opinion was dp being equally willing to work flexibly and share practical care and the mental load. To do that he had to tolerate a degree of ridicule from some colleagues, but his career has survived fine.

I have a full time career with children, it worked fine. It's easier if you have a bit of flexibility with start and finish times I think. Mine went to nursery full time, then childminder when old enough for school. Worked brill. I dropped them off on my way to work and either myself or partner picked them up my way home. If they were sick, either I or partner took leave or flexi. It is perfectly possible. I work with lots of women who have a career and children. What's the alternative? To not work? Or only work part time all your life?

"Both have a career. Kids are always at childcare/after school care etc."

What's wrong with that though? School ends 3.20, I could be at childminders by about 4.45. Only just over an hour? Then you have all evening with them. Admittedly they would would need childcare in the holidays, but mine loved that. I think people forget that they are at school all day.

Mine went to breakfast and after school clubs but loved it. Extra time for playing with friends and a more interesting breakfast than at home. Lots of moaning if we collected them early from after school clubs.

They also went to some brilliant holiday clubs in our area where they did science week, tennis, cricket, theatre. The amount they learnt and enjoyed couldn’t be replicated at home. They were also lucky to travel with us around the world on different holidays.

What's the alternative? To not work? Or only work part time all your life?

No? I plan to go full time when my child starts school because school plus wraparound care isn't £1100 a month.

This has been a really interesting thread to read.

Our first baby is due in the Autumn and this thread has helped to crystallise our plans. It’s taken years for me to fall pregnant and so over the years it has given us plenty of time to consider what our approach will be.

Appreciate we’re not there yet, and this is on the hopeful assumption our child is NT, but we are in a position where we have planned the following:

• SPL. Husband will take months 9-12, with me overlapping for months 9 and 10.
• both have supportive employees meaning we could both drop to 4 days/week or increase amount of WFH days so that pick ups and drops offs are shared (amongst our friends, dads typically so their fair share)
• I will reduce the international travel element of my job for the first year back. He doesn’t have this aspect in his role.
• continue to outsource the things we do now (cleaner, ironing, gardener and handyman)
• continue to share out the other chores between us. Husband probably does about 10-16% more than me anyway as he works fewer hours once commute factored in
• continue to share ‘mental load’ as best we can

Obviously this has the potential to go to pot if he turns into an arsehole like you see on MN, or it’s me who does, or our child has additional needs, or one or both of us loses our jobs. Having spoken about it at length I feel more comfortable about it. We both desperately want this child and so we’re both keen to be around and support each other to make it work.

Is there any advice any of you would give to help smooth the transition?

No? I plan to go full time when my child starts school because school plus wraparound care isn't £1100 a month.
Working while your child is at nursery is easy (expensive, but easy). Working when your child is at school is hard - holidays, random days off, not enough breakfast club or after school places, random tasks for parents to do (costume xyz tomorrow, and please be there for the show at 11:30). There is a reason so many women never go back properly after having planned only a couple of years off.
It isn’t that much cheaper (especially if you take holidays into account), and flexibility is much easier if your employer knows you. Food for thought.

@Newdaynewname1

Another addition: we also shared maternity leave. if you hog the good bit (being on extended leave with your child), you can’t expect your partner to chip in fully for the not so great bits. that’s not how teamwork works. I took 5 months for the oldest, 6 for the youngest.

That's no doubt true if you both view being on extended leave with your child as "the good bit". My DH would have hated it. To be honest, I think that dealing with babyhood is the least appealing part of parenting too, but personality wise I am better at it. But we both prefer older children really. I think if I had really wanted to go back to work sooner he would have done half of the parental leave be fair but he wouldn't have enjoyed it and certainly didn't view me as "hogging" it. However he did at least 80% off all the schooI runs whilst our children were in primary school and went to far more school events etc as that was much easier for him than it would have been for me. And I hardly ever get up at death o'clock to take kids to weekend activities- he's an early bird and he enjoys going to their team sports. I'm not and don't! I think teamwork is about playing to your strengths. Splitting everything 50:50 is obviously right for some people, but its not the only way to make things work. I think we share both the fun stuff and tedious parts of family life pretty equitably but not equally as that isn't what any of us would want.

@MrsAvocet fair point! I just see way too many women going on maternity, not ever leaving dad alone with the baby, then coming to the conclusion that dad can’t do it as he does things slightly different or just has less practice, and then falling into the trap of doing everything.

BTW, i much prefer older kids, but being on maternity leave (at least before kids are mobile) is an extended paid holiday (as long as there are no health issues). the tricky bit starts later.

Yes but I work nights

You can both have careers but will Mean Probably paying for childcare

So will lose a large chunk of salary

BTW, i much prefer older kids, but being on maternity leave (at least before kids are mobile) is an extended paid holiday (as long as there are no health issues). the tricky bit starts later.

It's lovely that that was your experience, but it absolutely isn't the same for everyone. My newborn days were 100% the hardest thing I've ever done, and even my hardest day at work or most difficult parenting day after pales in comparison.

I agree about sharing the responsibility, though. I suspect if I hadn't gone back to work when the dc were just short of a year and left dp to have to manage the baby then he wouldn't have build up the skills to be an equal parent.

@Newdaynewname1

No? I plan to go full time when my child starts school because school plus wraparound care isn't £1100 a month. Working while your child is at nursery is easy (expensive, but easy). Working when your child is at school is hard - holidays, random days off, not enough breakfast club or after school places, random tasks for parents to do (costume xyz tomorrow, and please be there for the show at 11:30). There is a reason so many women never go back properly after having planned only a couple of years off. It isn’t that much cheaper (especially if you take holidays into account), and flexibility is much easier if your employer knows you. Food for thought.

My DH works from home so can go to performances, do school drop off (won't need breakfast club) and cover sick days.