Have you and your partner/spouse both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered?

[Dr1ppin]

I keep reading that you ‘can’t have it all’ and something has to give. My husband is currently the breadwinner and works long hours but I want to start focusing on my career now (he has never stopped me and has only ever encouraged me). I just wondered how realistic it is of me to expect to be able to focus on my career whilst raising children especially if my husband works long hours? Our children are 18 months and newborn. Is it going to be one or the other for me?

You can't 100% "have it all" because you can't be at home with a toddler all week at the same time as working the same full time hours as colleagues without caring responsibilities.

You can both have a career, but you need the money or family childcare to do it. The exception is probably being freelance or self employed but then you may lose your evenings.

DH is full time and I dropped to part time after maternity leave. He does earn more but it was mainly because I could tell my company was on its way out and it did indeed fold in March. I think 2.5 days of nursery with me working in an admin job for a few years is about as close to having a bit of everything as we personally can get.

We've each had and continue to have successful careers, but they have both absolutely been impacted by choices we have made surrounding DC and their care. So things have given.

In general, if one parent wants to be able to focus seriously on their career, they're going to need at least one of the other parent taking their foot off the pedal or bulletproof childcare.

Raising kids is a FT job, and a career is a FT job. So at the least you need to involve childcare, as you already know.

But typically childcare is limited. Especially now, if your child is sick, or has an accident, or there is a problem, someone has to be there to manage it. If your childcare provider is ill, same problem. Someone still has to manage the care or school stuff like homework or projects etc. All this even more so if you find you have a child with special needs or some other extra demands.

I think this is the real reason one person's career often has to be less demanding, there just has to be some level of flexibility and availability.

In families I know where both parents work at demanding careers, they usually need some extra help, beyond just standard childcare. Usually a nanny, even if only part time. Often someone comes in to do some cleaning as well, maybe weekly or biweekly.

Even people in careers where they both just work a fairly standard 9 to 5 pus commute, who can't afford a nanny or maid, often seem to struggle with it and many burn out and find they need to make some adjustments, at least until their kids are over about 10.

I think it's hard.

I left my career after dc1 (tried for 3 months) because there was no flexi working, it was stressful etc. If I had stayed I would have been earning the same as DH now. However I got a job really quickly, the pay was bad but it was a stepping stone & we could afford childcare plus I have family very close who are great in emergency. I moved to another job & had dc2 & went back & got a promotion. I still don't earn lots of money (most I will earn is probably 70k) but I can walk, the hours are flexi, I'm pt & TTO so it's very handy for family life. DC2 starts preschool soon & then I will increase my hours. DH is helpful though, won't take a job unless some form of remote working is included & shares pickups etc.

We have a cleaner too

Another way to think about it might be, no one would ask, can I work as a lawyer and a doctor at the same time, without burning out or giving less than 100% to each?

Covid has made things easier as DH has been wfh 5 days a week, taking dc to the park at lunch etc so remote working massively helps.

It depends on the career. Mine is a “quality over quantity” career. I don’t need to check in or “be seen” to be at my desk. Nobody knows the hours I work in any detail, they just see what I produce.

Of course you can both have a career but it depends on so many things. Me and Dah work FT in demanding but rewarding careers but mine is very flexible so I can be there for every school assembly, I can pick them up from school etc. I have a cleaner and a childminder to help. It’s very doable and my kids aren’t suffering at all. But if you’re both out of the office 7am-7pm that’s a different story altogether

Hmmm. We've not been able to invest time in both careers. My DH is at the limit of his. I could go considerably higher and have the desire to do so.

However, despite repeated requests my DH cannot get any sort of flexible working meaning I have to be around for drop off, pick up and any during the day "your child is sick come and get them calls" and generally be much more flexible. This has severely restricted my options.

My DC are getting older now and I think once the youngest gets into secondary I will be able to pursue the roles I want. However by this time my eldest will be almost 15 meaning I've had a 15 significant slow down in my career trajectory.

I'm doing the same job I was when dd1 was born, was FT now I'm PT. Now dd2 is at school I'm considering stepping back up and cracking on. For me I couldn't have managed career progression and small children but now they are a bit bigger it seems more manageable.

We're all going to be working until we're 80, I figured I had time to pause and not make my life unnecessarily challenging for a few years!

I have had 2 promotions since i had dd (2.5yo). I still work full time, my career hasn't suffered, and is unlikely to suffer. I'l be able to condense my hours and still work full time once she is at primary school and be able to do drops offs/pick ups etc on some days.

I don't feel like i'm missing anything, however i'm not a parent who would ever want to spend 24/7 with my dd anyway.

Depends on your definition I think. DH and I both have good careers. I changed careers a year and a half ago so starting at a more junior position than him (different fields now) so I earn less. But he is much smarter than me and was always going to out earn me regardless of children.

I have taken 1 mat leave so far (changed careers nearly a year after returning) and about to embark upon a second.

However, we both work full time. I work 8-4 so have time with DS once I finish. Ideally I would only work 4 days but financially cant do it at the moment.

I do miss DS, but lucky that he is only in nursery 3 days a week and with family the other two.

So to answer your question neither of our careers have suffered so far.

We have had to pay for all of our childcare and do not have a cleaner or anything like that.

Childcare is wrap around so we're restricted by the limits of that.

Short answer: Yes

Longer answer: Yes, but you need to work at it as a partnership and remember that a career is a marathon not a sprint

In our case, currently I am an MD at an Investment Bank and DH is a Senior Civil Servant. We have shared child care equally. When DD1 was born we both went 4 days per week for a year or so. DD1 and DD2 were in nursery when little. We then had a nanny for a couple of years. When they were both at school they went to breakfast club and after school club. We had a child minder pick them up 2 days per week after normal school hours. And each of us worked from home 1 day per week.

There have been points when we have 'slowed down' our careers to make things easier. At other points we have worked very hard indeed

I see it as you can have it all, but not all at the same time.

As others have said the options are family help, lots of money for an excellent nanny etc, some PT work on one/both parents' parts, work flexibility and your personal attitudes towards certain kinds of childcare at certain ages. I think you plug all these into a metric and see where your options lie.

We do. We are both law firm partners. My job involves travel (or at least it did pre-COVID). It is bloody hard at times even though we are in the fortunate position to be able to afford help (nanny, cleaner, gardener). It is also noticeable that a lot of my male colleagues have wives who don't work or work part-time and can take on a lot of the load - an option I don't have.

It only works because we are truly 50/50 on parenting (if anything my husband is the 51% parent because of my travel). Neither of us is the wedded to work type - our work is important and we work long hours if we need to but otherwise prioritise getting home for bedtime and having time as a family at the weekend.

It was hard when my daughter was a baby. I went back to work when she was six months old, which on reflection was too soon - for me (she was absolutely fine with a lovely nanny). Now she's in school I'm glad I have my career, financial independence and can pay for things like wonderful holidays where we can have some amazing experiences together.

AdriannaP has absolutely nailed it with the list above. That and the supportive partner committed and willing to truly share the load, has enabled both me and DH to pursue our careers and neither to have to compromise.

Both in senior positions, work incredibly hard, earn well and feel (generally) fulfilled by our roles.

But still feels exhausting and somewhat overwhelming at times. But being 'in it together' has been crucial to my emotional well-being, and I'm incredibly grateful for the family support and ability to afford to 'outsource' where needed. So a mixture of hard work, a decent partner and dumb luck really.

Lovely insightful thread!

I’m hoping to go back to work full time after a long career break. DS is 7. It’ll just have to work.

Although I expect it’ll take a while to get a new job during a recession

I think it is inevitable that someone who doesn’t have children, or has a SAHP looking after the children, is going to be able to focus more on their career than someone who needs to cover pick ups from childcare/sick days etc. That said, both DH and I have good careers and I got promoted between maternity leaves. But DH has not gone for opportunities that would mean lots of travel taking him away from the children, and I have gone part time (although as I was the higher earner we earn similar even after that). So I suppose it depends what you mean by having it all!

Depends on the careers surely? In DHs line of work, the only spouses I've known whose career hasn't been affected have had full time nannies. For his career to progress, we've moved country multiple times. My career is pretty much non existent... But his career is in a place we can have more stability from next year... But at the cost of him working away from home during the week. So I've got to juggle all the week day stuff.

Other careers are more flexible/stable.

You can both have good careers and have kids. You'll be tired and juggling a lot of the time, but it's doable if you work as a team and treat each other as equals.

My DH and I have always both worked - both 4 days/wk when the kids were pre-school, then both FT since. Lots of wrap-around care, and both flexi-ing our hours slightly in opposite directions to do school drop-off / pick-ups.

We've both had to be available when needed to do sick days / dr appts etc. So you really need to have a partner who respects that your career is equally valid. And pulls their weight with the housework.

I've passed up a few job opportunities because there would have had too much travel required and the impact on my DH's job would have been too great. Other than that, I don't think the kids have impacted too much on our careers (apart from trying to homeschool and both work FT during Covid... that's been a barrel of laughs, not!)

You can have it all, we did. But you need to work it. So for example have your child care sorted inc holiday and wrap around when they get older, and ensure one of you is always available for drop offs and pick ups, school assemblies, plays, events, parents nights etc.

Our daughter was never with a baby sitter, evening and weekends she went everywhere with us, but she was in day child care from four months old. We both have successful careers.

Very surprised folks saying you can’t. You can. Thousands of successful dual career families out there, and eighty percent of mothers work now.

Oh yes, we also paid for all our childcare and have had no family support. Once the youngest started school we increased our hours but we do all the drop offs and pick ups (DH works locally and cycles to work, I have a half hour commute by car). We both have generous holiday allowances thankfully and DH takes unpaid leave in the summer holidays as well.

Yes, we also paid for all our child care and had no family support either.

As said, dual career is now the norm. Rather than the exception. Stay at home parents are a small minority that is declining. Dual career is by far the more common dynamic,