Have you and your partner/spouse both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered?

[Dr1ppin]

I keep reading that you ‘can’t have it all’ and something has to give. My husband is currently the breadwinner and works long hours but I want to start focusing on my career now (he has never stopped me and has only ever encouraged me). I just wondered how realistic it is of me to expect to be able to focus on my career whilst raising children especially if my husband works long hours? Our children are 18 months and newborn. Is it going to be one or the other for me?

My experience so far is that it was physically tough but (relatively) easy organisationally when the children were very young, organisationally a lot harder but physically less demanding when they were in primary school and a lot easier physically and emotionally in the secondary school. The secondary years and early adulthood have had a few specific challenges though - in some ways I think they are the years when most emotional presence is needed -but in practical terms they've been very easy. So I wouldn't say I have found one age easier or harder than the others to balance work vs home life overall, but they have all been very different.

It is hard to come back from a position once it is entrenched

I think the disparity and inequality becomes entrenched during maternity leave. You’re at home, he’s at work, naturally you do the lion’s share - research which nurseries, find the right childminder, etc - and he gets used to you handling it all. Then you go back to work and... it stays that way!

You can't have it all. I chose to work part time and now they are much older I've decided to continue, I'll never work full time again. I got to pick them up many days and go to every sports day etc I wanted. But I don't earn that much. Only go abroad as a family every other year. Pros and cons.

I simply don't agree with Bluntness that you can have it all. One poster above was partner of law firm, as was her Dh. The money must be great, the job satisfaction superb. But I'd find it hard to believe that they were that involved with their child. Can't be on a day to day basis. If travelling, big court cases? Not the same as chatting to other mums, every day in the playground, attending every sports day, or help out with kids reading at school (if that kind of thing floats your boat, which it doesn't particularly me, but I'm just pointing out that such a job simply couldn't facilitate such things) having endless play dates, spending loads of time taking dc to soft play birthday parties. That wouldn't have happened.

We have but - I had my kids young, I work in public sector where part time and flexible working were permitted, I also have done key things that made my life easier - my mum was my childcare (until they were in school) and I’ve never had a big commute. I did 3 days when they were little then 4 as my youngest started school and then 5 when they were all well into primary and going to secondary

I never did the chatting to other mums in the playground - my idea of a nightmare. DC’s went to breakfast and after school club but we still went to their sports days (and what seemed like millions of sporting events each weekend). They attended loads of birthday parties and we held them each year for their birthday.
Yes I traveled international for work but was able to schedule when. DH moved from a hospital based doctor to becoming a GP when DC’s were small as this was more family friendly. DH would take DC’s to nursery or school by Tube and the walk to work. I collected them each evening. We had to be very organised but managed to make it work for DC’s, family life and two careers.

100% believe you can have both and still have well balanced, happy children. I think it’s best not to over think it and not to see anything as a permanent arrangement. If something isn’t working you can change it! It’s very hard to picture how life will eventually be when they’re so tiny, but they need you in different ways as they get older. Mum guilt is horrible but everyone feels it, working or not, so don’t let that deter you. Good luck OP, you’ll be grand

But I'd find it hard to believe that they were that involved with their child. Can't be on a day to day basis. If travelling, big court cases? Not the same as chatting to other mums, every day in the playground, attending every sports day, or help out with kids reading at school (if that kind of thing floats your boat, which it doesn't particularly me, but I'm just pointing out that such a job simply couldn't facilitate such things) having endless play dates, spending loads of time taking dc to soft play birthday parties.
Chatting with other mums is YOUR social life, nothing to do with being involved with the kids. All the rest - perfectly doable (our school doesn’t allow parents to come in for support - I actually find that very strange. i don’t want other parents gossiping about my child's SENDs), but we help out at scouts. Sportday etc is of course possible- most successful people wouldn’t successful if they couldn’t do some planning. And parties tend to be on weekends, so no major issue either(again, needs planning, but do does everything).
Yes, there no time for playground gossip, but I’m quite happy about that. Fair play to whose who enjoy it, I find it torturous.

Newday "Chatting with other mums is YOUR social life".

Errr. I never said I did it!

I always managed sports days etc,that just needs a bit of planning
Children always got to birthday parties etc
The school didn't allow parents in to do reading etc which I agreed with ,too much scope for nosy mums
Didn't get to chat with other Mums
A bonus for me

I was the child of parents who had it all. It was awful and we are still not close. We both have medium careers on four days a week each with flexibility and WFH full time for husband part time for me. We just about give the children the childhood I want to give them

The only couple that I know that have managed to “have it all” are both GPs. They both worked part time, alternate days but still earned a fantastic wage for PT. One would do Sunday (Out Of Hours for extra pay), Monday, Tuesday, the other would do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and then they’d have Saturday together as a family. As their children have grown older and are both in school, they did think about both going back full time but instead decided to do 4 days per week and have a child free day off midweek together.

They could have had more earning potential but they are happy with their lot at the moment and probably will both go full time again as the children go to senior school. It will be a private school with longer hours and after school sports and clubs. They can also afford other properties for rental income which again offers more of a work life balance.

Watching them, I really regret not pursuing medicine! My family members all worked in senior roles in hospitals which is NOT child friendly and I didn’t want the same for my own children.

Following this thread with interest as we a are planning to start a family. What field/ industry would be a good fit to move into for high pay (£100k+ possibility) with relative flexibility in your mid 30's? I have many friends and none of us are in fields that offer this possibility...

@Reearry I think you’ll have more answers by starting your own thread

@Reearry - I retrained as a patent attorney in my 30s and currently earn £100k+ (I’m dual qualified - having passed both the European and the U.K. exams, and I have 10+ years of experience). I (mostly) only work office hours these days. But the training is tough (you’re working and studying and the minimum training period is 3 years), the exams are notoriously difficult (the pass rate is only about 35% for some of the papers), and there are relatively few training positions so it is very competitive to get into. A science degree is essential (IIRC you need to demonstrate 4 years of university-level scientific education, so you might need a Masters degree too - all the attorneys I know have a Masters degree and/or a PhD).

@OublietteBravo thank you for your suggestion. I have a degree in accounting so unless I want to redo my undergraduate... It's not really an option

A wise person once told me

"You CAN have it all. But not all at the same time"

My husbands career is the kind that doesn't allow for flexibility. He is the main breadwinner. We have no family support (we live in a different country) so I work 2 days a week. I was willing to give up work completely. This gives us a good balance while DD is little and keeps my career ticking along.

*wasnt willing to give up work completely

Hmm interesting. Depends what having it all means. If I didn’t have kids I’d probably have left my current company to go get the equivalent of my boss’ job elsewhere. But that aside, on the face of it I’m on a six figure salary working four days per week so I’m doing well.

But I was very envious of my friends who don’t work when we were in lock down. Trying to do it all plus homeschool almost killed me, and I completely share the load with DH.

I’ve hated the perfect instagram posts this week of all the mums saying how much this time has been the best of their lives.

But then no one planned a pandemic... and we have huge financial security and options.

We made it work with a great nanny/housekeeper and then when the kids were school-age we both dropped to part-time and flexible hours (with DH working from home).

Not possible to both have high-flying careers without help. It is possible to have pretty decent careers with help and with flexibility.

@Reearry With a degree in accountancy, consider adding a specialty like forensic accountancy and join a consultancy firm. Forensic accounting is VERY high paid, under high demand and can be very flexible.

My career has definitely suffered, both of us changed our careers in our 30s.
Once I had our child it was easier for me to drop hours than my DH. I work in the public sector and was never going to earn as much as my DH.
I love my job most days and I have more flexibility than most people to cover school holidays but i still miss the special assemblies if they fall on a working day.
I can’t find the childcare I need for full time work.
The trade off is that i get to spend more time with my ds, but it is frustrating to see opportunities pass you by.

@Guineapigbridge @Reearry

Re forensic accounting - do you work in that field? Ex colleagues of mine have found it quite inflexible, lots of travel, tight deadlines with long hours

With accountancy degree, consider professional qualification then pick an industry you are interested in and go in house to work to FD route. Business support functions ie finance dept non client facing often have more flexibility

@Reearry
I turned 30 this year and have a good salary as an accountant working in finance. There is plenty of opportunity for promotions (so higher salary) and I have relative flexibility. I shifted my core hours to suit the kids better and I do my (paid) overtime when it suits me, which is usually in the evenings once the kids are in bed. If an appt comes up I have flexibility to move my work hours to suit.
I think it's the best flexibility I can hope for when working FT

A child requires 100% care and attention. So yes, there has to be sacrifices. I do feel that some people have the expectation that the state or relatives or someone else should be responsible for the choice that they have made to have children. So your options are:

• you sacrifice money equivalent to one full childcarer's salary (for a few years anyway)
• you sacrifice one career to do it yourself
• you use family and friends to provide the service for free
• you manage with a combination of the above

How you decide to deal with it will depending on your career choice, your DHs career and his attitude towards helping out, and the availability of family support.