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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful

OP posts:

Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 16:45

I have a friend who spends her days worrying about what people think. It sounds exhausting.

Good people will be concerned for you, uncaring people are not people whose opinion you should concern yourself with.

I disagree with people saying not to mention it to the friend - I think women owe other women information that can protect them. Likely he wouldn’t push it, but his behaviour is already pushing boundaries so I feel she should be forewarned that he fancies her. Emphasize you know she’s done nothing to bring it on, but that you thought she should know he’s trying to impress and spend time with her.

bringbacksideburns · 26/08/2020 16:46

It's not a crush, it's infatuation.

Not sure how telling your friend will help - she's done nothing wrong.

The first thing i'd be doing is never having him anywhere near her ever again.

The second thing would be a massive revaluation of my entire relationship and a cards on the table talk about your future with him and whether you have one.

I don't understand - has he actually spoken to you about having this 'crush ?
Have other people spoken to you or noticed.

I most certainly would speak to my mother if she is close to you. You need her support? could someone speak to him about how hurt you are?

Stop downgrading what he's doing and taking responsibility for him - you shouldn't feel embarrassed you should feel angry.

Stop allowing him to treat you and your children like this - don't you deserve better?!

TheMostHappy · 26/08/2020 16:47

The thing is he doesn't just fancy her does he. He's making not so discrete attempts at "wooing" her. What a total fucker. As soon as he thinks he's in with a chance he'll be like a rat up a drain pipe.

I'm confident my dh fancies one of my best mates, she's an absolute bloody stunner - even I fancy her a bit, it can't be helped, but the difference is my dh isn't tying it on with her, he's polite and oh so slightly bashful around her but pretty much keeps out of her way.

Mangofandangoo · 26/08/2020 16:47

Wow OP, I'd hit the roof

billy1966 · 26/08/2020 16:47

It is NOT a silly crush.

You poor woman.

He is despicable.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell your friend and I would tell him he's welcome to friend, that you have filled her in on EXACTLY what you have been putting up with.
They are welcome to each other.
Tell him crack on.

He's a disgrace, running around being the perfect husband in front of her.

Fill her in honestly about the bullshit you have been witnessing.

Personally, I'd pack a bag for him and tell him to move out.

Definitely tell your mother.

The cheek of him to disrespect you in this way.

Your friend will believe you and be absolutely disgusted.

You poor woman.

Sootikinstew · 26/08/2020 16:47

Good gracious, if I even had a tiny inkling that my husband had a crush on ANYONE else never mind a FRIEND of mine, he would be out so fast on his arse he wouldn't know what happened.

Is your self esteem so low that you are willing to allow your husband to have eyes for another woman right Infront of you? With no shame?

Shame on him and more fool you.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 16:50

@TheMostHappy

Yeah exactly massive difference, people are always going to think other people are attractive, single or attached..the difference is actually perusing that attraction or making that person more of a priority than your own partner

QueSera · 26/08/2020 16:50

OP this is a terrible situation, much worse than I think you want to admit to yourself.
Yes many people get crushes during long-term relationships. But this goes way beyond that. He is organising days out around this woman. He is acting in a way to impress her, while he seems to act the opposite when he's just with you and the kids.
What upsets me also is that you are afriad to raise this with him because he 'blows up'. That is not good at all.
It's time this came out in the open and was discussed openly. He has some serious questions to answer. Firstly and most importantly, about why he treats you and the kids with such disregard when he's with you. Secondly, his infatuation with this woman, which he doesn't hide from you. If he has checked out of the marriage, then it's time he admitted it.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 16:50

pursuing even*

eatsleepread · 26/08/2020 16:51

Leave him. I can guarantee that over time, your self-confidence will take a battering over this.
Please respect yourself even if he is not.

YgritteSnow · 26/08/2020 16:53

I'd have exploded by now. You must a lovely, patient person because I wouldn't have been able to hold my rage in after the first few times I noticed him behaving like this.

chocorabbit · 26/08/2020 16:53

But your friend can't stop him. What will she do? Tell him "oh you naughty boy stop being unfair to your wife"? She can't discipline him! And she might even enjoy the benefits of having things done by him or her ego stroked.

When he gives you pathetic excuses about his inability or unavailability to help mention how many hours he spent last time helping with the children or chores when your friend was there and when was the last time he did it without your friend being there (never?). After all she is YOUR friend and he doesn't need to serve her. I wouldn't let this go.

Or you could complain to your friend about how tired you are and could do with some help but you have none and when she replies "but your DH can surely help" just laugh it off and say you can't remember the last time he did, you are like a single mother and make sure he is there to listen.

chocorabbit · 26/08/2020 16:54

And you shouldn't be afraid of his anger. That's not a healthy relationship.

Heffalooomia · 26/08/2020 17:04

he just blows up and makes out that I'm being unreasonable
this is just gaslighting to shut you up so that he can continue to indulge himself in his crush
I think I'd start looking at his mates and noticing which ones were hot etc, yes I know that would be childish but no way would I accept this without serving it back to him

Friendsoftheearth · 26/08/2020 17:05

You are putting your friend in a difficult position if you tell her, because there is very little she can do to make things better. I would think twice about telling her, she already knows and probably dreads seeing him, hence the girls only day out etc.

I have been the friend in this situation, and it is awful. I tried to make everything we did just us, but the odd party or dinner would happen with couples and he would be there leering at me, trying to be charming. I used to dread the evenings with him, and feel so bad for her - she used to be so dignified about it, but I could see inside she was struggling. He would flirt with everyone, not just me. I could not talk to her about it, as it was her marriage and her husband. I didn't want to create embarrassment or interfere, but we all had such a low opinion of him. He did not deserve her, she was beautiful and an incredible person.

In the end he tried to kiss me one new years eve, he made his move and I was horrified, and left. I stopped seeing them after that. I did not want to be put in that position again, and my dh was furious. So that friendship had to fade. She is still with him, she has become quite a sad and bitter person now, quiet and not sociable any longer - and it has really taken a toll on her friendships, confidence and life. I would love to still see her, but whilst he is still part of her life I won't, because he is a creepy perv and I can't stand being around him.

He will erode your confidence, your friendships and your self belief op.
He does not love you, otherwise he would never do this to you.
I can't see why you would ever want to stay with a man you can not trust and show you so little respect or love.

AdoreTheBeach · 26/08/2020 17:09

OP - maybe print this out and leave where he can see it. You have all these women telling you this is unacceptable and why. Also an opening discussion with your friend if you send her the link

LilyLongJohn · 26/08/2020 17:11

Yes but she'll be wondering why I've been going along with it, playing happy families and why I'm saying all this now?

Because he's abusing you and disrespecting you by peacocking in front of other people. Do you believe that horrid people are horrid all the time? My exdh was wonderful with other people around and a complete bastard behind closed doors. It took me ages to come clean to friends who had no idea.

If she's a true friend she will be there for you

Devlesko · 26/08/2020 17:11

Tell him he's an embarrassing twat and if he doesn't stop it, he can leave.
At the same time tell him to step up with the family.
Call him out on it every time, embarrass him in front of your friend.
Why is your bar so low.
Crap husband, crap father, does he at least have a big dick, or is he just one.
Your kids deserve better than this excuse ffs leave the shit.

MulticolourMophead · 26/08/2020 17:13

@SaxonSeverity

I wanted to tell my mum, tell ANYONE, because I know if it was public knowledge then he would be embarrassed into stopping. He needs outing but I'm just too embarrassed to do so.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. He should.

Giningit · 26/08/2020 17:14

Why are you putting up with this shit?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 26/08/2020 17:15

I would just get rid of him - leave or kick him out. He sounds horrible.

Mittens030869 · 26/08/2020 17:16

This isn’t a crush, it’s him wanting an affair with your friend. It’s him treating you like shit and her like a queen. How the hell have you put up with it?! WHY have you put up with it?!

I'm sorry, but I agree with this. You really shouldn't put up with him disrespecting you like this.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/08/2020 17:17

If you stay with this man he will destroy whatever remnants of self esteem you have left.
Your a better person than me. I just couldn’t put up with this nonsense. He would be out on his ear. Asshole

CorianderLord · 26/08/2020 17:19

I wouldn't put any crush down to just a crush. He could be attracted to someone and not show it.. I wouldn't want my partner crushing on some other woman.

Either way it sounds like the main problem is that he's a shit dad and husband.

YgritteSnow · 26/08/2020 17:19

@AdoreTheBeach

OP - maybe print this out and leave where he can see it. You have all these women telling you this is unacceptable and why. Also an opening discussion with your friend if you send her the link

Do NOT do this. It will make no difference whatsoever. He's not a reasonable person because a reasonable person wouldn't behave like this. It will enrage him and he will find a way to twist into a "betrayal" on your part that you discussed private matters on a public forum - I speak from bitter experience.

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