To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Oh

If we weren’t married any children would have my surname

I too find this an interesting topic, certainly not seeing it as judgemental. This is all part of an important ongoing debate about the nature and presentation of feminism.

@Hockneypool

Married 25 years ago and didn’t change my name. Have never regretted and think it was one of the best decision I have made.

Work did ask me what my new name was going to be to get things organised for after my marriage. Just said no change and everything stayed the same. I can’t quite believe the posters who said work changes their names for them and printed new business cards.

Family members - very old grand parents sent cheques yo Mr and Mrs and I returned them. They wanted to give me the money so rewrote the cheques. My not changing my name wasn’t really news I had told everyone since I was 16 and realised it was optional and not compulsory that I wouldn’t change it.

@Hockneypool you wouldn't believe the hassle I had from HR to tell them my 'legal name' when I said I was married. They wrote all kinds of bullshit from the 1950s and said my payslip had to have my married name and they would allow me to be 'known by' maiden name. They said the woman's name had to change and were quite bamboozled when I asked what if the married couple were two women, would they swap names?!

@cardibach but when you are born you didn't have a vice to object to the system. As an adult you are making a choice to ale a new name it's not even in the slightest the same thing

I liked his surname more. We had 2 children before we married (we were engaged). We gave them his surname then I used it once married. We've been together 20 years but If we ever divorced I'd keep it, I like it.

@Gordonsgrin

I don’t think people see that the changing surname was about changing ownership for a father to the husband. Women should not see themselves as owned firstly by their father and then by their husband! I actually feel really strongly about this and whilst I totally respect a women’s choice I don’t understand why others can’t see it as part of the systemic objectification and manipulation of women.

I agree with this

I changed mine because my husband really wanted to. I didn't mind so much but I thought his name was funny.

6 months later we moved to his home country and I find out his name is a word used a lot like "bitch". Now my daughters have this insulting name and I have to teach them to own it and find the humour in their name before everyone starts bullying them.

Because I wanted to. DH and I have a fantastic relationship but makes us feel even closer to share a name. We call ourselves ‘Team Surname’. It makes us a family.

Couldn’t give a toss if you think I’m archaic, I love having my husband’s surname. I love (some) traditions, I loved my father walking me down the aisle and I love wearing my beautiful engagement ring, I love it when my DH opens the door for me, or gives me his jacket if I’m cold. Again, I couldn’t give a damn what some judgy, uptight MN random thinks about my choices. And we don’t have kids and don’t intend on having any so it’s nothing to do with that, I just wanted to have my DH’s name and I love it 🤷🏻‍♀️

We discussed both him changing and me changing. But we wanted the same name and his is easier to pronounce (though still a pig to spell). I'm proud to be his wife. But society assume that it's always the woman that take the name. I know men who have. And I know people who have created an entirely new name (not double barrelled but more like Smith+Cooper=Smooper) or chosen something meaningful like a favourite animal (Swan and Starling). Our name is part of our identity and our future children's identity. I found choosing a name very empowering and probably would have considered it even if I hadn't chosen to take my husbands. I'm just too indecisive to say what!!!

I spent my youth hating having a one syllable first name and one syllable surname. His surname had two syllables and i thought it sounded nice. I have never regretted it, and like that I have his name now he is dead. It's like part of him is still here.

@Gordinsgrin, it’s surely been an awful long time since a surname signified to anyone that a father or husband ‘owned’ a woman.

My DM. (born1918) would have hooted with laughter at the mere idea, ditto my DF (1916) and they weren’t ‘progressive’ types - just pretty typical of their generation.

@SurreyHillsGirl very strange reaction to the thread. You don't have to care about the opinions on this thread.

But you should care about us the systemic manipulation and oppression of women - and how 96% of women changing their name is one of the many ways that does little to discourage this discourse.

I have been married 10 years and still use my maiden name at work. I changed my bank accounts to my married name about 6 years ago and my passport last year. The trigger for me was my children - I wanted us all to have the same surname.

I wanted us to have the same name and our kids to have the same name, but mainly because my surname is also a first name and no one ever believed me that it wasn't.

On the phone many times: Surname please?
Me: Lilley
Them (like I'm stupid: no, your SURNAME?
Me: that is my surname, my name is Kate Lilley

Not my name obvs.

My DH changed to my surname when we married. We discussed and decided we preferred my surname to his. Children have my surname too. DH still uses his unmarried surname for work though, as had already built a reputation with that name.

1. Because I wanted to.
2. Because DH has an awesome name.
3. Because (I am 60) and in my class at school I was the only girl with divorced parents and my ex missionary Head Mistress used to say in ringing tones "here's a letter for your mother, Mrs blah" not my name and I used to want the ground to swallow me up and swore when I had children they would never experience the shame.
4. I changed jobs straight after my marriage and it helped make the change seamless - might not have done it professionally had that not been the case.
5. FWIW my forrin grandfather took my grandmother's name when they married between the wars.

@SurreyHillsGirl

Because I wanted to. DH and I have a fantastic relationship but makes us feel even closer to share a name. We call ourselves ‘Team Surname’. It makes us a family.

Couldn’t give a toss if you think I’m archaic, I love having my husband’s surname. I love (some) traditions, I loved my father walking me down the aisle and I love wearing my beautiful engagement ring, I love it when my DH opens the door for me, or gives me his jacket if I’m cold. Again, I couldn’t give a damn what some judgy, uptight MN random thinks about my choices. And we don’t have kids and don’t intend on having any so it’s nothing to do with that, I just wanted to have my DH’s name and I love it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SurreyHillsGirl Agree with all of this except we do have a child.

Took his name because I wanted to. I like the tradition of it (come at me feminists 🤣).

I double-barrelled. I wanted part of my name to be the same as my husbands and childrens name. Depending on the situation I use one or the other. I still sometimes use my maiden name because it's easier to spell. In family situations I use my husbands name. I don't feel like I lost my name, I just gained an extra one.

I have used a shortened version of my first name since the age of 16. My mum hates it, but uses a shortened version of her own name and my dad uses his middle name. Most of my friends use my "chosen name" and I intend to move to this once my parents arent here to be offended. My surname is my husband's family name as it was tradition back in the 1980's to continue this (not as much now I dont think) and I also intend to change this to something I prefer and more suited to me. No doubt it will cause issues, but I am way past worrying

It’s much easier if one family all have the same name, (travel, medical etc..) doesn’t matter whose name though.
I wasn’t bothered about changing mine -DH is an only child and his due a W would die out in his lineage. Our names also sound awful double barrelled/spliced.

I changed mine because I wanted us to have a family named that we shared and our children could have. (I totally get that this could be done in other ways, double barrelling, him changing to mine, creating a hybrid name from both our banes, picking a totally new name etc).
However, I was happy to change mine for several reasons my DPs lumbered me with a 10 letter 3 syllable first name and a 10 letter 3 surname so I was happy to lose a 5 letters and 3 syllables. Double barrelling would have just meant more letters and another syllable. (From a young age I said what I was looking for in a man was a short name).
DH had already named changed by deed poll from his father's name to his mother's and as his job needs both a DBS and security screening a second change for him would create more hassle than a first change for me.
My maiden name was a blokesname-son format name so it was hard to feel that I was "sticking it to the patriarchy" by keeping it, whereas by taking DHs name I was actually taking his mum's name.
By changing it I no longer share a name with with my fathers current wife which is a good thing in my book.
I don't assume other women will change theirs or think less of those who don't. I have friends that have changed, not changed at all, use their maiden name professionally and either their DHs name or double barrel in the private/ family sphere, have totally double barrelled but their DH hasn't, where both a have double barrelled and one friend who her and her DH both use a blended name e.g. she was Smith, he was Smalling they are now both Smithling.

So many women changing their names, happy to do so and to justify it.

I don't see anyone "justifying" it.
It doesn't need "justifying". It is a choice I made, and clearly many others make.

Surely, as a feminist, you believe in women having choice?

Personally - and I imagine the same for many posters on this thread - I chose to change my name, as I wanted to have the same name as my dh who I was (and still am) planning to spend the rest of my life with, and with any future dc we were going to have.

We talked about it (nearly 30 years ago) and we both x 100% preferred the name we now share, over the name I used to have (which, if you think about it was my Dad's, and his Dad's before him, so still 'from a man').

Whilst I had a few raised eyebrows and grannies refusing to write a cheque to me with my proper name (always addressed to Mrs husbands surname), mostly have had no problems. It is the younger people who still surprise me by asking why I didn’t change my name? The system is so embedded in society that is here for a good long while.
I wonder if in 30 or fourth years when we are no longer referred to as “he and she“, we are instead “they” taking the surname of ones partner will persist. What is the form within same-sex marriages?

I didn't get past this sentence And why so many women go along with it without question?

How patronising is that? How do you know that they went along without question? Why do you think that you are enlightened enough to think about it but others aren't?

To those who wanted to have the same name as their husband, would their husband change their name in marriage to achieve this?