To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Married 25 years ago and didn’t change my name. Have never regretted and think it was one of the best decision I have made.

Work did ask me what my new name was going to be to get things organised for after my marriage. Just said no change and everything stayed the same. I can’t quite believe the posters who said work changes their names for them and printed new business cards.

Family members - very old grand parents sent cheques yo Mr and Mrs and I returned them. They wanted to give me the money so rewrote the cheques. My not changing my name wasn’t really news I had told everyone since I was 16 and realised it was optional and not compulsory that I wouldn’t change it.

Of course it’s a feminist issue.

But there should be zero judgement of individual women - this thread shows the workings of the patriarchy on an individual level, but remember it’s the PRESSURE on women that’s the problem

@minicat the difference being I had no choice - no say in the name I was given. It's not the same thing.

I am now an adult with the ability to make choices on what name I change. And I chose not to change because I have a name that has become part of my identity.

The same with babies, why do they have the Dads surname if mum and dad not married?

I like DH's name which I happily took, it really suits me. It's traditional to take it and I wanted my children have the same name as both of us - both of which are reasons to change. I wouldn't have changed if I hated it; if I was neutral between the two names I'd probably have had a discussion about which name we would use (his/ mine/ double barrell/ make a random new name) but as it was taking his felt the best name for me and our children. Pleased with the decision.

I changed mine because I hated my maiden name and it was the only way I could change it without pissing my parents off.

@pinkyredrose

All these women who want the same name as your children, why don't you just give your kids your name without changing it?

This! I kept my name, hadn't thought about it until I told people in work I'd got engaged and they asked what would my name be and I thought, slow down, hang about, you know my name!

It took MIL and a few aunties a while to get used to it, and oddly my sister who always goes on that her married name doesn't suit her but wouldn't change it back.

I think what bothers me is that some women kind of sleepwalk into it, if they've thought about it and made a decision fair enough, but ',just because' seems like no thought has gone into it.

As it happens DH has a very unusual name surname combination and sometimes envies my relative anonymity, but has built a reputation in his field so wouldn't change it.
The worst is men who just point blank refuse or sulk about it (a few weddings of DH's work colleagues, complete dinosaurs).

Interesting, few of the people closest to me have taken their husbands name.

DH and I double barrelled our names, my sister husband took her name, out of my closest friends 3 kept their name, one took her husbands name but it is a cool name

I do think it's odd that we default to the mans name as standard

Back in the 80s very few of us changed our names (in my circle) on marriage. All my professional qualifications and certificates are in my original name and I'm well known as Svalberg Myname. In fact, I was asked if I knew or had worked with "Jane Smith" once, I said I'd never heard of her so couldn't give positive feedback - it turns out that I knew her as "Jane Jones" and I could have given her a reference. Now that doesn't tend to happen to men who kept their original name.

I do think it's odd that we default to the mans name as standard

This.

It's like - it's not even a conversation, no debate, no nothing. It just...happens 😞

I hated my name, people were always racist once they'd seen or heard it. And my dad hasn't spoken to me in 10 years because I had a baby with a man who wasn't the right religion even though he married my mum who isn't the same religion as him 🤨, he is still yet to meet any of his grandchildren. So I was very happy to take my husbands name when we were married.

I don’t think people see that the changing surname was about changing ownership for a father to the husband. Women should not see themselves as owned firstly by their father and then by their husband!
I actually feel really strongly about this and whilst I totally respect a women’s choice I don’t understand why others can’t see it as part of the systemic objectification and manipulation of women.

I've had two last names already, dads and mums, mum now changed her name. Really nothing tying me to mine. DH and I having the same name means our children will have the same as us and their whole paternal side.

I liked his surname better than my own.
But it was ages ago when it didn’t really occur to me not to.

My dd has kept her maiden name, largely for professional reasons. Her dh isn’t bothered.

I find this thread depressing too. I'm always surprised that so many people still change their name. It never entered my head to do it when we got married ten years ago.

Isn't it a shame that the mothers of all the women with shit/embarrassing last names took their husband's name instead of keeping their own and giving it to their children.
I know times were different then though.

Actually though, what about their brothers? They would also have the shit/embarrassing last name, how come it never seems to trouble them?

I don't want this thread to be judgemental. I just struggle sometimes with being a female. I don't know if anyone else feels the same but, I struggle more when there are universal things that women support that don't help us.

Name change is I guess a minor part of a bigger problem. I hope my thread hasn't come across as judgmental, and more thought provoking.

I also should rephrase I'm not saying everyone changed their name should have, if I had a name I hated or a family I didn't like so wanted to detach is probably change my name too. But surely this can't be every woman that changed their name?

It was a radio show that sparked me to write the thread. They said apparently 96% change their name. That statistic got me real sad.

I changed my name because it meant a lot to my husband. He lets me have my own way on a lot of things and I wasn't bothered about it enough to hurt him, which it would have.

I didn’t change my surname and all 3 of my dc have their dads surname. I’m the only one with a different name in my family! Doesn’t make much difference to me but when I travel alone with dc, I have to take a signed letter from dh saying it ok to take them. I also have to show my birth certificate to prove I’m their parent!

The same with babies, why do they have the Dads surname if mum and dad not married?

I actually find this more sad than the whole family having the husband's surname. My sister gave her son her partner's surname (they're not married) and I feel a bit sad for her that she doesn't share a name with him. However, at the end of the day I believe it's everyone's choice to make and just because someone follows a more conventional route, it doesn't mean they haven't given it a lot of thought and made up their own mind.

[quote Danni290]@AnotherEmma completely agree and depressing is exactly how I feel about it.

It doesn't stop there either there's so many other things that don't help us at all. Things are getting better slowly but, I just can't see we will ever be on a level playing field if I'm honest. [/quote]
I don’t get why it’s depressing. ‘Your’ name before marriage for the overwhelming majority of women is your father’s name. That’s no more patriarchal than taking your husband’s name.

No LESS patriarchal. You know what I mean.

Married nearly 30 years ago

The intention was for us both to take a new name together

His dad got very angry...no idea why, and I changed my name to keep the peace

I actually feel really strongly about this and whilst I totally respect a women’s choice I don’t understand why others can’t see it as part of the systemic objectification and manipulation of women.

This. Just another way to keep us down and oppressed IMO

I didn’t change my name and if we have kids (we don’t currently) then we will either double-barrel or they’ll have my name. I don’t know why the assumption is so often that kids will have the fathers name...