To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I accepted my husband’s surname willingly as my maiden name wasn’t english and I was fed up of spelling it.
My husband’s surname is only five letters long and , still, I have to spell it! 🙄

"Surely, as a feminist, you believe in women having choice?"

As a feminist, I don't think choices are made in a vacuum. They are made in the context of patriarchy and sexism.

I don't think we should kid ourselves that our choices are feminist when they're obviously not.

Some choices advance feminism and other don't. As I said in a previous post, we pick our battles, not all choices have to be feminist.

I agree with the OP that it's depressing that so few women choose the feminist option (on this issue) and so few seem to give a shit.

Because I wanted to have the same name as my children.

If I’m really honest (I’ll be flamed). There are so many family units that exist I didn’t want people questioning if they were mine or my step children

@Danni290

Ok so many have said they wanted the kids to have the same name. Totally get that.

But why is it determined by gender?!! People seem to be avoiding this question?

Mu husband didn't care if I changed my name or not, but he didn't want to use my maiden name. He likes his own name (which is a nice name) and tbh it doesn't help that my dad is a massive selfish twat, so taking on the same name as him didn't appeal to DH at all.

I changed my name so that I’d keep another memory of him after he died - he was terminally ill. In different circumstances I’m not sure I would have done.

Ok so many have said they wanted the kids to have the same name. Totally get that.

But why is it determined by gender?!! People seem to be avoiding this question?

I intend to give my kids his surname if they get married that's not an issue to me at all, but I'll keep mine.

But why does your husband get his name given to future children? Isn’t that based on the same anarchic views? Isn’t that based on the sex of you and your husband?

By the way, I didn’t change my name and I intend to give our future kids his name (or I’m 90% sure I will, we’ll see how bad labour is). I am doing it because it’s expected and I just can’t be arsed to fight on it, when I’ve already had the fight about my name. We lived together before marriage, haven’t had children straight away and I didn’t change my name, so I’ve had people ask why I bothered getting married. I’ve had to tell my dad multiple times that my name is the same it’s always been and literally the same surname as his. People have implied that I have one foot out of the door because I’m not prepared to take his surname.

My in-laws are very conservative and it just isn’t worth the hassle. DH’s name is rare and he was bullied for it (plus it’s usually causes people to laugh), mine is common, easy to spell, someone tried to bully me for it but got as far as I was a boy because I had a boys surname . Still our children will get his stupid surname because everyone feels like the man’s name should carry on. DH wanted me to change my name, my name is a man’s name and I told him I would change my name, if he added my surname as a second middle name. So it wouldn’t even be used. He said he didn’t want to, he knew I didn’t want to change my name and so he lost any argument to be sad about it. We now use my surname (because it’s easy to spell) and he is occasionally referred to as Mr MySurname, which always makes me laugh. He got pissed off at first, I laughed and said welcome to my world, if he didn’t want to be Mr MySurname then he needed to do some of the organising.

Also this stupid argument that "it's just your father's surname anyway" really pisses me off.

No one ever says that a man's surname is just his father's surname.

Once you are given a name at birth it is YOUR name.

And plenty of people are actually give their mother's surname (by itself or with the father's surname).

All we need is for women to keep their surnames and give those surnames to their children, and then it's not the father's surname is it?!

We have to start somewhere to make change.

I'd like to add that he was fine with discussing which surname our child would be. He had a slight preference for his last name but is modern wnough to decide it together. If I had really wanted to give her my name then he would have been ok with that since I was the one doing the ivf and pregnancy and all the uncomfortable bits.

And whilst I took DH's name I also had a pre-nup and we don't have a joint bank account and have on occasion had to send cheques made payable to Mr and Mrs back and ask them to be reissued - such are people's assumptions. It has given me great satisfaction to return with a letter asking for the cheque to be redrawn in my name only.

I suppose he cared about it more than me so as the partner who wasn’t really arsed either way I went along with it. Same as he did with me and baptising DD.

I have friends who chose a new name to take together, that was a lovely option I hadn’t really seen anyone else do.

@RaspberryToupee
"DH’s name is rare and he was bullied for it (plus it’s usually causes people to laugh)"

For goodness sake please give your child your surname and not his.

If a woman had a surname like his, she'd gladly change it after marriage, but therein the double standard lies - a men rarely changes his surname after marriage, even when it's a terrible one.

Do not inflict it on your children just because your husband is sexist !!!

I'm changing my name in exchange for naming the kids as I want. From one generic name to another doesn't bother me much

Because I wasn't very attached to my father's name and was very fond of dh (still am) and I don't like doubled barrelled names (personally have no problem with other people choosing differently) and wanted to have the same name as my children.

I do wonder what the next generation is going to do as a lot of people are double barrelling their children's names. What are mr smith-jones and ms Johnson-Williams going to do for their children's names?

At the very least, give the children both surnames so they can choose to use yours one and drop his one if they so wish.

Also because I get to keep mine professionally so people will know me by both. I'm like a spy

Because his surname has meaning as a lot of his family were lost in the holocaust, whereas I have 4 brothers so our name isn't in danger of disappearing.

OP and @AnotherEmma you care waaaay to much about other women's choices. Would you be happier if we were not allowed to take a partners name on marriage?

"What are mr smith-jones and ms Johnson-Williams going to do for their children's names?"

Oh my goodness I have no idea, no one has ever asked or answered that before.

God knows how the Spanish cope, it's a wonder the whole country hasn't fallen apart with endless surnames.

@secretllama

OP and *@AnotherEmma* you care waaaay to much about other women's choices. Would you be happier if we were not allowed to take a partners name on marriage?

Oh yes that would bring me great joy and contentment, all of patriarchy and sexism would be wiped out overnight if only we did that.

My old one was boring and shit and my new one makes me sound like a rockstar

I loved my maiden name but it was very unique and associated with a couple criminal family members so it was freeing to be away from that name!
Plus I absolutely loved my husbands surname and it really flows with my first name.

I married in the 90s aged 29. I didn't change my name because why should I, for professional reasons and because I didn't like his surname. I'm getting married again in October (COVID allowing) and will still keep my name.

1 - Wanted traditional marriage

• 2 Wanted us to have same name if we were to have kids so we'd all have the same family unit

Wouldn't change mine, husband doesn't mind. No one else understands! Mil or mother! I adored my paternal gran, and wanted to keep her name. I imagine how excited she was on her wedding day getting this new name and practicing it (or maybe not, like me!) And I don't ever want to cut that link to my past. I have been asked if I'm a feminist or awkward but I don't understand why I should change my name I've had for over 30 years as it's tradition?

Got married in 2012. Preferred my new surname and was getting a bit bored of my maiden name, which doesn’t sound as nice as my new name.