To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

It's the UK tradition. I guess people that want the traditional experience of getting married also generally want the other parts of that life too?

So many women on here didn't like their maiden name. Never heard of a man changing their name for the same reason.

So many women on here changing their name so their children have the same name. Never heard of a man choosing to change their name for the same reason.

Women changing their name so they can travel easily with the same name as the rest of the family. Not hearing men doing that.

Unconscious sexisim wrapped up in tradition. And women are still buying it as a choice.
True choice would mean a similar proportion of men changing for the same reasons.

@Magentamules bang on.

I got married at 40, but even if I’d got married 20 years earlier I wouldn’t have done. It’s my name.

No kids between us, he’s got an unusual name that’s very common in this area. I’ve got a fab name.

My maiden name is unusual and difficult to pronounce and spell.

I liked his surname.

When he proposed he asked ‘Will you be Mrs CurlsandCurves?’ And I said I would love to.

@Magentamules the sexism is that it's not as straightforward for men to change their names at the point of marriage as it is for women. Not, as you seem to be implying, for women to have the choice.

@OchonAgusOchonO

Of course! I adore the bones of him and he mine! There are other reasons I didn’t want his name-outing-and he used to get annoyed that occasionally he’d be referred to as my maiden name, but he understands that I’m right not to use his name at work, for example.

I didn't want to but got nagged into it.

I thought we'd drunkenly agreed that I would take his name but in return any children would not be baptised as his family (not DH) are very, very Catholic. A few months after DD was born DH said he'd thought about and it was ok if she wasn't baptised, I was pretty pissed off as there is no way I would ever consent to that and we'd previously discussed it.

Anyway, I deeply regret it and wished we had double barrelled our names instead. Or each kept our own names and double barrelled the DC.

Mid 20s when we got married and we both changed ours to a double barrel so that we'd all have the same name for when we have our little girl.

Got some comments from DHs female family members about it who assumed I'd have their surname and were surprised and confused when I said I didn't want to.

Have come from a family where my Dad took my mums name when they got married and we all have the same surname.

I do get why families want the same surname as their children, but each to their own.

It was the done thing, it felt like a socially special, exciting, and significant thing after marriage to change it, and I didn’t want any children we had to have a different name to me (he wouldn’t have taken mine even if I’d broached the conversation).

@porcupineinwaiting
@Magentamules the sexism is that it's not as straightforward for men to change their names at the point of marriage as it is for women. Not, as you seem to be implying, for women to have the choice.

Please could you explain why it's not as straight forward for men to change their names as women?

Also, women really do come up against pressure to change their name. Be it from their family, friends or society in general. This is where true choice fails.

[quote Porcupineinwaiting]@Magentamules the sexism is that it's not as straightforward for men to change their names at the point of marriage as it is for women. Not, as you seem to be implying, for women to have the choice.[/quote]
Poor men. Actually, the process for a man changing to his wife's name is exactly identical to the one a woman needs to do to take on her husband's.
Obviously it will be less expected that he does so but the process is the same.

Each to their own only works if everyone has true freedom of choice.

I don't think they do.

It was my name @aSofaNearYou.

Please could you explain why it's not as straight forward for men to change their names as women?

Yes please

A friend of mine got married and took his name, years later the entire family changed to her maiden name as there were family problems...didnt seem difficult for them to do

It was my name @aSofaNearYou.

As in your ex husband took your name? Fair enough if so.

DH and discussed this when planning our wedding. I'm utterly indifferent towards my surname.

Him taking my name was not an option as he shares the same name as one of my brothers and there's no place for 2 of them in my life!

We toyed with the idea of coming up with a new surname but neither of us felt right with that.

We thought about our children and what surname they would take and agreed it would be his. Therefore I would be called Mrs "his name" through default by teachers, doctors, etc. which, again, I don't have a problem with. So, I changed my name to his.

For me it was more about our nuclear family being as one. Really not bothered about extended family and their thoughts.

Neither DH or I have the same surname as DC’s and I have a passport from a different country than DH and DC’s but we’ve never had an issues travelling together or just one parent with the DC’s.

Therefore I would be called Mrs "his name" through default by teachers, doctors, etc.

Not if you introduce yourself with your own name, although there is the occasional ignorant person who refuses to use your name (looking at one of the school secretaries). Most people, if you correct them, will use your name.

I changed mine because I had quite bad associations with my former surname. I'd been known as another name for several years but then reverted to my birth surname as a teenager. I have only met my father a handful of times and do not feel any connection to him so I never felt comfortable with it. I had a different surname to everyone else in my family and looking back I can see that I struggled with a sense of rejection and lack of belonging.

I stayed as Ms though and I think it is a more actively feminist decision not to change to your DH's surname. If I hadn't married quite young I might have chosen to change to a new name altogether.

In an ideal world, couples could make decisions without any prejudice or judgement. In fact I'm in a minority amongst my friends as most have either kept their surnames or created new ones and I do know one couple who have taken the woman's name. Hopefully things are slowly changing.

While not technically required in the UK and men can use a marriage certificate to change their surnames with no issues at some places, many places want to see a deed poll for any name change other than a woman's change of surname on marriage and some will refuse without it. For changing other passports and some international organizations, they sometimes require a statutory declaration, but I've yet to find one that does that to women changing their surname because of marriage. I've done all of the above and met people - of both sexes - who didn't because they didn't want to deal with the faff even when they hated their names and the associations they had with it. Many more said they didn't want to have to explain their reasoning to others and a few who are still convinced that outside of the traditions, it's wrong, insulting to one's parents/family, or plain illegal.

I can get the equality argument when it comes to kids with parents who have different surnames, but I do not get the idea that it will only be a true choice or true equality if an equal number of men choose to change their surnames on marriage. Why should we treat what men do as the default template for women's lives?

There are in many areas strong social disincentives to changing one's name from what their parents gave them other than a woman's surname with marriage or more recently, changing given names because of gender identity without a damn good reason that other people feel free to judge. Many of the reasons in this thread have been mocked, seemingly just because men don't do them. Others, like women citing issues with their father or family as the main reason, seem to be mostly ignored - I guess those reasons are fair enough to those who think we're all just foolish. Maybe that's part of why some people don't change their names without a socially-approved backed reason. Maybe without a tradition, it just doesn't come up on their radar, much as it doesn't come up to most people to change what holidays they celebrate or how to educate their kids.

Him taking my name was not an option as he shares the same name as one of my brothers and there's no place for 2 of them in my life!
We had this situation in my family, didn't stop my brother's wife changing to a name that's exactly the same as mine. (and why should she not).
Again it's one of those things that is a problem if a man has to do it and absolutely fine when it's a woman.

I'd keep my name. My brother in law was saying how my nephew should just have his surname as its tradition. Had to remind him they are not married so if its tradition he wants my nephew should just have my sisters surname.

I changed my name. Married 15 years ago when I was in my late 20s.

Reasons were:

1. I wanted to have the same name as any future children.
2. I quite liked the sound of my 'new' name (though was perfectly happy with my old one.
3. DH wasn't especially keen on getting married (as in the institution, not as in being committed to me!), but felt that if we were going to he would like us to have the same (his!) name.

It would be an exaggeration to say that I regret it (I hardly ever think about it), but if I had my time again I don't think I'd change my name. I think it would be sending a better message about equalities to my children if I hadn't. I use Ms, rather than Mrs, and wouldn't have dreamed of being 'given away' at my wedding, so the name change feels out of kilter with my general views and values. But it's not something I give a lot of thought to on a day to day basis.

Because I wanted the same surname as my children. But I really would have preferred to keep my maiden name.

@Goingdownto

Him taking my name was not an option as he shares the same name as one of my brothers and there's no place for 2 of them in my life! We had this situation in my family, didn't stop my brother's wife changing to a name that's exactly the same as mine. (and why should she not). Again it's one of those things that is a problem if a man has to do it and absolutely fine when it's a woman.

No, it’s because I don’t like my brother and didn’t want to be married to someone who shared his name. My decision, not DH’s.