To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

People who changed because you didn’t like your birth surname, have your brothers kept their names in marriage? Have the women your brothers married taken the name, or kept their own?

I am now an ADULT able to make her own choices

Yes and some adult women CHOOSE to change their name on marriage. It's nothing to do with anyone else. I don't get the judgement that drips from these threads every time tbh.

Like you just do you...

@DocOfTheBay

People who changed because you didn’t like your birth surname, have your brothers kept their names in marriage? Have the women your brothers married taken the name, or kept their own?

Don't know, don't have any brothers.

If I did, I wouldn't care what they did or what their wives chose to do. That's up to them.

I as an adult woman, able to make her own decisions, didn't like the name and wanted to change it. If that's okay with you.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken yes I agree and I did do some of the traditions at my wedding but acknowledged they were harmful at least.

We ditched most of them like you - no speeches etc etc.

I got my brother to walk me down the aisle but had a major issue with it - lost sleepless nights but my family literally has no men in it apart from him and I knew he would be really honoured by it. Make no mistake though - it's a terrible tradition and I acknowledge that, I'm not trying to convince myself it's ok.

Just because I do something doesn't mean I can't also agree it's not great for society. I don't get when people can't see this? I'm not trying to change anyone but if we are to advance as women I honestly think we need to at least recognise these issues for what they are. Or else we will continue being oppressed IMO.

@BoyOhBoyOhBoi shall we never start threads and have opinions? Why do people get so offended by an opinion?

Call it judgement if you want but I em entitled to have an opinion and start a thread about it.

I thought that was the point of AIBU

Why do people get so offended by an opinion?

Why does someone care so much whether other women they don't know change their name on marriage? Unless it's to judge them and their reasons for doing so...obviously.

I do think the biggest problem is what to call the children. The way society is now it would be logical for the children to take the womens name however I can understand why the father would be upset by this (although men never seem to understand that a woman might want her name for the children she has carried and given birth to). I don't like double barrelling but creating a new family name is a nice idea.

DH wanted us to do this. Bless him. And I agree it would have been the better choice. But.....I already had to deal with people who found it complicated and confusing that I didn't choose my name, the thought of having to deal with that x 100 to explain my children having different names was too much for me. And I'm glad. The school are great, but it does make me laugh that even though my main form of communication with them is via email, so they SEE my name and they definitely recognise it because if I ring up they know whose mother I am. But none of then can remember to call me by it. I don't really mind. But imagine the chaos if it was DS DHName and DDMyname?!

My daughter wanted to keep her maiden name on marrying so her husband Was happy to change his - it was easier to do it by deed poll. He kept his original name as a middle name and both their children have it as a middle name.
However people’s reactions To him changing his name have often been rude and contemptuous !
The amount of paperwork he had to do for organisations, compared to if my daughter had changed her name on marriage was ridiculous !
Generally people cannot get their head around it at all.

Why are having 2 surnames so hated? Do people hear my name and think “urgh that’s awful”? Is it the length? Did you not give your kids middle names (and sometimes 2)? With 2 surnames you can always use just one of them if you wanted. My name flows really well, I’d much rather ditch the useless middle name.

@Danni290
As I wasn't "given away"/ walked down the aisle, made a speech as did my DMum but chose use MIL surname (which is DHs) can I be let off the naughty step now?

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes I think you should stop taking opinions personally. I can have an opinion like you can have yours

I really don't get why people call these threads out for being judgy. If you don't want to discuss it find another thread.

More so, if you go through life not having/debating/discussion thoughts and opinions then I feel sorry for you.

Why are having 2 surnames so hated

I don’t hate the idea

But you are going to have to take my word for it that my surnames double barreled just wouldn’t have worked...honestly, scouts honour

I kept my surname as I just couldn’t be arsed to update everything with a new name. We will definitely not be having kids together so it was a non-issue for us

I contemplated keeping mine, husband was perfectly fine with that but a little disappointed, he never said it but I could tell.

In the end I decided to take his name because I wanted to, no other reason.

I'm happy with my choice and don't regret it, but I really did prefer my old surname to sign, it was all loopy and pretty

We wanted the same surname. DH was up for us using my family name. He's from another country and the process for him changing his was so much more complicated than for me changing mine so we took the lazy option and went for his. And from the moment I took that name it became mine. My family name pre marriage was mine, not my dad's, my family name on marriage is mine, not my husband's.

Dh and I married in Denmark 24 years ago. Even then the option on our registration form was me change name he change name we add his to mine we pick a different one all together.

My school friends have done a mixture of those I took dhs surname as my very danish birth name is slang for male genitalia in English so it was hard to live with.

My cousin changed his name to his new wifes

2 cousins have merged names his_hers her -his

1 had changes to her husbands

2 kept theirs

I think the option of changing name should be there for both partners i like the family unit name and luckily dh had a nice surname

OP - the thing is, I think if you’re going to rail against women taking their husband’s names, you also have to acknowledge the fact that most women (unless they token their names from their mum) are born with patriarchal names. It’s two sides of the same coin.

In fact, I would say being born with a patriarchal name is worse because you have no choice in it. You have internalised this as the norm, to the extent you’re not even able to question it.

As to the argument -“well no I don’t have my father’s name, it’s mine. You wouldn’t say you were taking your FIL’s name in marriage, would you?”

Er sorry, the facts are the facts. You have your fathers name from birth. Then you get your husband’s name and yes, that did indeed come from the FIL. Where else did the names come from? They weren’t random were they? Both came to you because of a patriarchal lineage.

I've noticed a theme that a lot of women are saying their dads were assholes/dicks/horrible and so wanted a fresh start disconnected from him. Yes, it's in a tradition of ownership, but traditions change meaning all the time.

While I think it's mainly a tradition continued because most don't care enough about their surnames to risk rocking the boat, I think that maybe the chance for adults to pick their own name without the baggage there so often is now if done outside this tradition could make things better. Maybe more men could have that fresh start too.

As for brothers, my brother's ex-wife never took his surname and his later ex that he had a son with, I believe their son has her surname. I'm not entirely certain on that, I only call him by his first name. Also, my brother is a different person to me and is firmly in the 'I do not care about names' camp. My sister did change her name on marriage and is firmly in the mother's girl/I want nothing to do with my dad' camp (but couldn't change to my mother's surname, because my mother is fucking weird and, at least socially, started using my sister's middle name as a last name a few years after divorce. At one point she used my sister's married name, but reverted back to 'just' using her middle name - I'm all for people using the name they want, but sometimes, that want is a bit creepy).

@1ucia yes but I ham making a choice as an adult to change my name. No choice as a child so yes could argue is worse but I can not control it.

Also, I actually intend to give my child fathers surname actually. For a variety of reasons that I won't go into.

The difference, I acknowledge and recognise it is doing nothing to help dismantle the already considerably harmful messages in our society about a woman's role. A lot of people are not even seeing the problem. The first step to a problem is recognising and if we can't do that we are doomed.

@Danni290 I changed my name to my husbands name as I want to have the same surname as any children and he is the last of his name - he has a very small family and extended family. If the children didn’t take his name it would die out. I have a large family and already have nieces and nephews who are continuing the family name. So I feel like we are continuing on his family name which is nice. His parents have both passed away young so it was also nice for me to ‘join’ him by name in his family given that he doesn't have much family left.

That said I would have zero tolerance for a man telling me he is upset I didn’t take it/ I have to take it/ wouldn’t enter into discussions as to taking my name if the circumstances we have were reversed. Personally I wouldn’t marry someone like that. It was 100% my decision and if I hadn’t changed it my husband would have been fine with it. I wouldn’t put up with the likes of your husband and his friends.

My husband is the only son and wanted to continue is family name. My SIL has already taken her husband name and had kids with her married name. I wanted the same name as my future kids and for us to have a family name.

In hindsight I wish I'd double barrelled but I do like my married name.

@Danni290

I really don't get why people call these threads out for being judgy. If you don't want to discuss it find another thread.

More so, if you go through life not having/debating/discussion thoughts and opinions then I feel sorry for you.

Because these threads always start by asking a 'genuine' question as to why and ask for people's reasons and then when people's reasons are given, the whole thread turns into those reasons being ridiculed and disbelieved or its suggested you're a deluded woman for making your own choice in the matter etc etc...

It's really annoying and this thread has been done a million times.

Don't pretend you didn't start this so you could start an argument and judge women for making a choice different to what you deem acceptable.

If you were genuinely interested in people's reasons, there's been about a million other threads on this subject you could take a look at.

OP, there are some countries where women are pushing for the choice to be able to change their names to their husband’s on marriage. This is because they are born with their father’s name and there a tradition that they are essentially his property, to be married if at some point. When the woman gets married, she’s not even seen as important enough to take the husband’s name because all that matters are the children she bears and that the children get his name. The man may have more than one wife - nine if them take his name, but who cares as long as the children do and the next patriarchal lineage is ensured. So in a sense, a wife is “cut out” of the family. If the DH divorces her, the children are his, in name and legally, and she is easily cast aside, with no rights to her own children.

So this is another perspective and I would argue that by keeping the name you inherited from your father, but then giving your children your DH’s name, you are arguably pandering to a system that devalues women even further.

[quote Danni290]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken yes I agree and I did do some of the traditions at my wedding but acknowledged they were harmful at least.

We ditched most of them like you - no speeches etc etc.

I got my brother to walk me down the aisle but had a major issue with it - lost sleepless nights but my family literally has no men in it apart from him and I knew he would be really honoured by it. Make no mistake though - it's a terrible tradition and I acknowledge that, I'm not trying to convince myself it's ok.

Just because I do something doesn't mean I can't also agree it's not great for society. I don't get when people can't see this? I'm not trying to change anyone but if we are to advance as women I honestly think we need to at least recognise these issues for what they are. Or else we will continue being oppressed IMO. [/quote]
I'm not trying to convince myself it's ok

But my point is, it is ok.

Let’s not trade one oppression for another. It’s up to the individual which bits they’re comfortable with and want to do.