To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

The first step to a problem is recognising and if we can't do that we are doomed.

The first step is to figure out if it is an actual problem. People catastrophize all sorts of things and this 'issue' is not universal and could easily be seen as a tradition in some places that has issues, but the meanings we give traditions change and that change is important.

Far more people change what Christmas means to them than stop celebrating. Far more people change what Easter means to them rather than not celebrate it. Both holidays have horrible traditions attached to them - they were both a source of traditional violence against other groups in some places, and are still violent trigger points in some places - but few suggest that means those who celebrate them today don't recognize the problem in those traditions. The meaning of them has changed - socially and personally.

People like me who don't celebrate either are the outliers in the UK, it takes far more energy and personal investment to erase a tradition even in one's own life than it is to change the meaning of it. Most people don't really care enough to put the energy into it even when the recognize the dodgy parts.

Also, I find the common solution to this 'problem' being everyone keeps their name given near birth ignores the benefits of traditional fresh starts that many women in these threads often cite. I think we need them more, not less.

The other point I don't understand is this 'continuing the family name' stuff. If your own family only had girls what about your family name? What if you have girls? Why can't a womans family name be continued? Besides there are so many in this country now there can't be that many unique surnames so this is a strange argument. Another part of patriarchy.

Perhaps a good way forward and reset would be to take the fathers surname and the maternal grandmothers maiden name and double barrell. Then let the child choose. All very complicated! I guess this is why people just go with the flow.

I have to disagree with people saying having a different name to your children is a problem. It really isn't. Yes I have to correct people sometimes when they make me Mrs Hisname but it's very rare and no problem to correct them. In fact the other thing I don't like is titles, why can't it just be firstname surname. Why are people so precious about being a 'Mrs'? again men don't have to change!

The issue is that providing women do what they chose to do and it is there ultimate choice that's the end of it. What I chose to do is not the business of other women and they have no control or say over it and neither should they. If they dislike my choices tough because I'm happy with them: summary:

Pre-nup
Traditional wedding (although we switched the order of the vows)
Took DH's surname
Use Mrs
Happy with being Mrs His initial in private life
I also "obeyed" not because I'm subservient but because I wouldn't be such an arse as to marry anyone who'd expect me to obey or to do anything unreasonable.
Still have separate bank accounts
Had 7 years as a sahm (due to my financial independence before marriage and through choice)
Returned to work when dc at school
Have a director level job and make independent professional and personal decisions.
Still married after more than 30 years together and happily.
Love being a woman and have never found it disadvantageous and wouldn't do anything differently if starting again.
Men have never told me what to do and I'll be damned if I let other women ever undermine my choices.

Oh, and I like pink, wear it at work and it's never stopped me earning 6 figures. I am also blonde and love life and am 60 and don't get the ageist guff either.

@brakethree it’s about continuing the family name not about continuing HIS family name. As I said my husband is the last of his name, no women with same name etc literally just him. So if he took my surname it would seem unfair as there are tons of families carrying my surname into the next generation between my immediate family and my cousins. If the situation was reversed I would expect him to take my name and our kids to have my name. My husband would be fine with that.

The biggest issue @Danni290 has it seems is that she married a backwards old fashioned man who now has issue with her keeping her old surname. Personally I would not have married someone like that.

Nowadays a lot of people use first and middle names on social media to preserve their anonymity. I have lots of friends whose Facebook profile says (for example) Sarah Anne or John Christopher - truthfully I don’t even know their real surnames in some cases. Lots of people use their legal surname for official purposes only. My DC have my surname as a middle name but use it as a surname in their private lives to ensure internet anonymity. So nobody can snoop on them by googling their real name.

A few years ago DH had an absolute nightmare because he was in the local paper with his friends wearing an embarrassing costume and they used his real name. When work clients googled him these photos came up on the newspaper website along with his professional work websites. He had to get the newspaper to remove the photos which required threats of legal action because it was damaging his business, and then he had to ask Google to remove the search listings, it took months. Now he uses his mother’s maiden name in his private life to preserve his anonymity. If you google his real name you only get results related to his professional image.

We're not married yet, but I'm 100% sure I'll change my name after we get married. I hate mine

Just change it now then, envi?

@envi

Why haven't you changed it before then? Before you even met him? Did your mum take this name and give it to you? Do you have any brothers with the same name, how do they feel?

[quote Danni290]@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes I think you should stop taking opinions personally. I can have an opinion like you can have yours [/quote]
Because you started by saying you weren't judging, you believe in each to their own and even "Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most?" Then dismiss women who have done just that. I my opinion being given away is far the worst bit of marriage traditional so I wasn't but if other women choose to be I respect their choice.

For the kids to be

What is the reason some posters think everyone having the surname makes you a family unit? I’ve never heard that a surname would make for a family unit ?

I changed mine because my maiden name came from a family with a very fucked up dynamic and I was happy to make that break from association.

I changed mine before I got married

I wanted to have the same name as my children. Plus it's awkward at airports etc.

My mum divorced 25 years ago and still hasn't changed here back!

I don’t think I’d change my name back on divorce or death (not mine obvs...his)

And I don’t think i would change it on remarriage either

I had an embarrassing maiden name! Couldn’t wait to get rid of it!

In some areas, it's called the family name rather than surname or last name.

Across many cultures, it's used to define families, clans, or communities.That's part of why in some cultures women change their surnames - becoming part of the new family, part of their husband's clan. Some call that ownership, others belonging, others a fresh start.

I can see why some don't view their surname as an important family marker and it's not universal - Iceland's pretty well known for that (though matronyms and patronyms are still obviously family oriented), but it is pretty widely used. I've filled in paperwork, both in the US and UK, that used family name rather than surname or last name and I know there has been some issues with trying to universalize passports because some naming systems use multiple family, clan, and community names used differently for different reasons. We're a social species so many of our cultures like names that reflect our belonging, some in multiple ways.

The biggest issue @Danni290 has it seems is that she married a backwards old fashioned man who now has issue with her keeping her old surname. Personally I would not have married someone like that.

Right - it's only my husband that's backwards not the billions of other men that followed the tradition 🧐

BiBabbles
“Across many cultures, it's used to define families, clans, or communities.That'st of why in some cultures women change their surnames - becoming part of the new family, part of their husband's clan. Some call that ownership, others belonging, others a fresh start.....We're a social species so many of our cultures like names that reflect our belonging, some in multiple ways”

Yes. My issue is that until men make a ‘fresh start’ or ‘belong’ to a woman’s family and take her name as often as women make the change, the system remains patriarchal and this is a feminist issue.

Even when women hyphenate their names to incomprehensible the DH’ name, men mostly do not reciprocate.

It clearly has powerful currency and is not ‘just a name’. If it was men would not resist so much.

@Danni290 there is a big difference between my husband saying yes my wife took my name when it was my own choice or any woman deciding to take her husbands name. I haven’t heard of many old fashioned babies whinging their wives haven’t taken their name and pressurising them to do it like your husband and his friends.

I honestly doubt my husbands friends even know whether I’ve taken his name or not. It’s a fairly even mix in the group of those women who did and those who didn’t.

I can’t at all relate to your situation which again makes it pretty clear it’s the type of man you married and men he associates with.

Because you started by saying you weren't judging, you believe in each to their own and even "Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most?" Then dismiss women who have done just that. I my opinion being given away is far the worst bit of marriage traditional so I wasn't but if other women choose to be I respect their choice

This.

Because I was young, and naive when I had my first son, and agreed to give him my husbands (then boyfriends) surname as ‘that’s just what people do’

By the time we were married, and I was pregnant with my third son, I had read into the meaning of it, and actually agree and understand why woman don’t change their names. However, I want the same name as my sons, so I did. If I had that time again I’d insist on their names being double barrelled and Id double barrel my own name too.

Why do so many women dislike their name and change it on marriage but men don’t seem to dislike theirs and make the change?

@Parker231

Why do so many women dislike their name and change it on marriage but men don’t seem to dislike theirs and make the change?

There's been people on this thread haven't there who's husband's have done this?

You're getting responses from mainly women on MN so you obviously aren't going to hear from many men who dislike their names.

I agree there will be more women who change their name but there very well could be plenty of men who dislike their surnames.

@Parker231

Why do so many women dislike their name and change it on marriage but men don’t seem to dislike theirs and make the change?

Because we have a free, easy, totally acceptable way of changing it, in fact if we get married the choice automatically presents itself. I know strictly speaking men can do the same but the precedent, the established tradition isn't there, so it looks weirder and potentially less "masculine" if they do. I know it shouldn't, but it does.

If they really could make the change without any baggage or raised eyebrows, with more or less total cultural acceptance and no questions, the way women generally can, and it was expected that they make a choice when they marry, then I expect a fair number of them would.

The context isn't there for them.