Page 30 | To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

Danni290 · 2020-08-25T20:41:29+00:00

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own. I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it. I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me. But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question? Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?! Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

yetilegs · 26/08/2020 23:48

I met my husband in 1995.
We married in 2011.
The reasons I changed my surname are..in order of importance to me:

I hated the surname I had, ridiculed and the subject of many jokes.
I have no desire to continue my fathers family name. ( he's a prick)
I wanted to have the same surname as my children and husband...

My reasons...and I wouldn't change my name back now if we split. It's a lot of hassle and I wouldn't have bothered but for the three reasons above.

HighbrowLowbrow · 26/08/2020 23:55

I wanted us to have the same name. My DM kept her maiden name and people were always getting it wrong. I wanted to keep things simple.

DH is adopted so his surname is particularly important to his parents.

I was a bit bored of my surname anyway and liked DH's. I saw it as a nice rebranding opportunity.

Each to their own though. DSIL kept her maiden name and I think everyone should be able to do what they want to.

Panicatthegarden · 27/08/2020 00:03

My work changed mine on all my paperwork after I got married without asking me so I never really thought about it. I didn't really care at the time so just left it but in hindsight I'm mad I didn't say anything.

Me and ex are in the process of divorcing and I would never change my name again.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 27/08/2020 00:36

I didn’t think too much about it. My maiden surname had 2 syllables and my married name has 3 and I think it makes my name flow better overall.

Both surnames are a bit boring and ordinary and I don’t particularly like or dislike either. I also loathe double barrelled names (although I admit I find double barrelled first names are much worse than surnames) so that was never part of the equation for me.

I did say to DH that If we had any children before we were married then they would have my surname (and then I obviously wouldn’t have changed my name in that situation). It’s important to me that my children have the same surname as me. I know too many people who have lived to regret giving their children the fathers surname (only for the father to not be involved in their lives and the poor child is stuck with a name and thats nothing to do with anyone in their life).

Svalberg · 27/08/2020 00:54

There's quite a few things on this thread that totally astound me. One is the bank insisting on changing a name - why does the bank even know what your marital status is? DH & I had a joint bills account before marriage and never told them of our nuptials (didn't invite them to the wedding either!). And if any bank had insisted on changing my name, they'd be losing my business pdq.

The other is work changing your name - why on earth would you allow that? I'd nominated DH to get my death in service benefits before we got married, nominated him as my NOK and other than that, they wouldn't know his name, or that we'd got married as we didn't invite anyone from work.

I'm not sure that it was more of a thing that women changed their names in the 80s & 90s, none of my cohort did (mostly 90s weddings) but we were all late 20s/early 30s & had all been to university in the 80s so maybe had the birth names longer and were more assertive as we were older - several people have said that they wouldn't change names now but perhaps that's due to the confidence of age rather than the times we live in.

Seren85 · 27/08/2020 01:17

Simply because I wanted to. I'm so lefty liberal and feministy, if probably took people by surprise. But I was born with my Dad's name and I chose my late husband's name.

user1471448556 · 27/08/2020 01:36

Changed it reluctantly... really didn’t want to. DH wanted me to and said it was only fair because he had had to ask me to marry him! Changed my name by deed poll to make my maiden name a middle name as a compromise. Work colleague calmed me down about it by saying ‘however you look at it, it’s still the patriarchy- it’s either your father’s name or your husband’s’ ... still felt my maiden name was more my own because I was born with it ... still wish I had kept it and would have let the kids take DH’s name ... but even that pisses me off now thinking about it. Why do all the sacrifices on names have to be made by women???

LockdownLump · 27/08/2020 02:04

I regret giving my surname up. It's something I feel resentful about now. And what annoys me, is that if I would have raised it as an issue at the time, I don't think my husband would have been arsed. But now we have a child and we all have the same surname, I wouldn't change it.

If my older self, could have told my younger self a thing or two, I would be soooo wise 😂

nestisflown · 27/08/2020 04:47

@Seren85 it was your name even if initially was your dad’s. Just like you wouldn’t say you had chosen your FIL’s name. That said, I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope sharing his name helps you feel more connected to him.

DryHeave · 27/08/2020 04:51

I didn’t like my maiden name and was always having to spell it.

ApplePieOhApplePie · 27/08/2020 08:08

NC as it may be obvious from my other posts if people know me but I'm another who didn't like my surname so was happy to change.

You can not believe that all you like but my surname before sounded almost exactly like maggot and I was called that a lot at school and I hated it.

So no I didn't change it by deed poll or anything but when the opportunity came to change to DHs name which is just a fairly standard surname, I took it 🤷‍♀️ which is entirely my choice and I really don't give a shit if you think I'm buying into the patriarchy by doing so.

I'd never go back to my old surname, it was horrible, even if I divorced. I much prefer my name now and I would keep it even if I divorced and got remarried as I finally feel like it's my name and identity. I was embarrassed by my name for years and now I like the one I have so I won't be made to feel bad by anyone for it

Parker231 · 27/08/2020 08:23

For those wanting their DC’s to have the same surname as you, did you consider your DC’s having your surname and not your DH’s?

ApplePieOhApplePie · 27/08/2020 08:26

@Parker231

For those wanting their DC’s to have the same surname as you, did you consider your DC’s having your surname and not your DH’s?

No, I'd never subject someone else to my old surname 😂

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 27/08/2020 08:40

We married in 1998. Central Europe. I was 42 (first time married)
We legally had several options
1- both my surname
2- both his surname
3- me: my surname + his a double name
4- him: his surname + mine as double name
5 - both: no possiblity to both have a double surname

We agreed on option 3. I couldn't just discard my family name and I was in a career where i was known by that surname. At the same time, I wanted to show that I had committed to Mr. X. Interesting is that my three sisters all discarded the family name when they got married, but when all three divorces came through went back to the family name.

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes · 27/08/2020 08:43

@Parker231

For those wanting their DC’s to have the same surname as you, did you consider your DC’s having your surname and not your DH’s?

I wanted all of us to have the same name not just me and the DC. I like us being the X family, we are a unit, a team. But each to their own I know people who aren't at all bothered by that and all have different names e.g. she's Smith, he's Jones DC1 is Smith-Jones and DC2 is Jones-Smith. I don't think I'm right and they are wrong we are just different.

Original poster

Danni290 · 27/08/2020 08:49

There is a common theme through this thread of people saying they change because they want everyone to have same name and be a family unit or they didn't like their name.

I think the point of my thread is still being missed somewhat. These reasons are all valid and each to their own - but why by default because we are women did WE have to change our name?

Well I get why, because that is the history of how the tradition derived but it's purely because we are women!

It is reinforcing that we are someone else's property, we are to be led. The male is the head of the house etc etc. I would have thought more women feel uncomfortable with this in 2020 but I'm not sure that's the case.

What I find sad about it.

OP posts:

Nishky · 27/08/2020 08:50

I wanted the family to have the same surname. Now my children are grown up I keep wanting my own name back, not sure how to start that conversation!

A lot of my friends used their ‘married’ name personally but used their own name professionally. I envisaged a lifetime of signing the wrong name so didn’t.

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes · 27/08/2020 09:08

@Danni290

There is a common theme through this thread of people saying they change because they want everyone to have same name and be a family unit or they didn't like their name.

I think the point of my thread is still being missed somewhat. These reasons are all valid and each to their own - but why by default because we are women did WE have to change our name?

Well I get why, because that is the history of how the tradition derived but it's purely because we are women!

It is reinforcing that we are someone else's property, we are to be led. The male is the head of the house etc etc. I would have thought more women feel uncomfortable with this in 2020 but I'm not sure that's the case.

What I find sad about it.

I can't and won't speak for anyone else but that not how it was for me. DH is a rare (but not unique) man who has already name changed. Taking his name (which is MILs not FILs) seemed less like buying in the patriarchy than keeping mine which branded me as "son of" some many time great grandfather.

CarrieFour · 27/08/2020 09:13

My maiden name was a rare (in the uk) European surname.

No one could say/spell it.

DHs surname is very easy to say and spell.

Plus my dad's a twat so happy to be free of it.

Plus I was very happy to be "Mrs DH" still am. He would have been totally not fussed if I didn't want to change as he would never have taken on the difficult name so didn't expect me to change to his but I wanted to.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/08/2020 09:14

@Danni290

There is a common theme through this thread of people saying they change because they want everyone to have same name and be a family unit or they didn't like their name.

I think the point of my thread is still being missed somewhat. These reasons are all valid and each to their own - but why by default because we are women did WE have to change our name?

Well I get why, because that is the history of how the tradition derived but it's purely because we are women!

It is reinforcing that we are someone else's property, we are to be led. The male is the head of the house etc etc. I would have thought more women feel uncomfortable with this in 2020 but I'm not sure that's the case.

What I find sad about it.

But your name isn’t your name, it’s (presumably) your father’s name. You’re still the property of a male.

I get where you’re coming from but it really wasn’t a huge deal for me. Swapping one man’s surname for another man’s surname. Only I actually love the second man.

We all cleave our own little battles with patriarchy and misogyny. Mine, in relation to being married, were
No rings
No speeches
No being given away

I don’t look down on women who do choose to do those things though.

brakethree · 27/08/2020 09:16

I agree Danni. What comes out is that the men do not even think about changing their name and many just expect the woman to do it. I get a feeling that many people just won't broach the subject as they know the man would be aghast!

I find the fact that so many have cited that they didn't like their name depressing. To take this to conclusion they are all then thinking that their DDs don't like their surnames and will be desperate to change. So the name they now 'love' is automaticalluy hated by their children?!!!

I do think the biggest problem is what to call the children. The way society is now it would be logical for the children to take the womens name however I can understand why the father would be upset by this (although men never seem to understand that a woman might want her name for the children she has carried and given birth to). I don't like double barrelling but creating a new family name is a nice idea.

Eskarina1 · 27/08/2020 09:19

So we did sit down and discuss it and chose my husband's name. One of the main reasons was that my name was strongly associated with my parents divorce in my mind.

ApplePieOhApplePie · 27/08/2020 09:23

I find the fact that so many have cited that they didn't like their name depressing. To take this to conclusion they are all then thinking that their DDs don't like their surnames and will be desperate to change. So the name they now 'love' is automaticalluy hated by their children?!!

I would never have subjected my DD or any child to my old surname even if I'd kept it on marriage. That's the genuine truth. I've already said upthread I was called maggot a lot because of it and was embarrassed by it, it was genuinely a horrid name.

I'm not going to give that to my child or even keep it myself if I don't want to just so I can be seen by other women as fighting the patriarchy. I was happy to ditch the thing and if my children felt as strongly about their surname as I did then that's up to them if they want to get rid of it.

I also wouldn't have wanted DH to change to mine because it was horrible. I didn't like it, nor did I want to keep it and I bloody doubt DH would have been thrilled about it either. He didn't pressure me to take his name, I wanted to, I wanted rid of mine.

If I remarried now, I'd probably keep my current surname because I feel like this is my name. The name I wish I'd always had actually and I would no longer feel the desire to change it.

Original poster

Danni290 · 27/08/2020 09:38

But your name isn’t your name, it’s (presumably) your father’s name. You’re still the property of a male.

Please stop with this argument. I was a BABY when I was named. I couldn't talk. I didn't have a say. There are lots of things my parents did I object to. It's a silly argument.

I am now an ADULT able to make her own choices. It is not the same thing? At all

OP posts:

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 27/08/2020 09:38

A lot of posters here are still in the dark ages " you have a name that is your father's = you are his property".???? Call yourself whatever you want .Just don't waste time on 30 pages of bullsh+t