To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Can you imagine a thread full of men gushing about why they took their wives' surnames because her surname is so much nicer and how they just couldn't wait to be Mr Hername

Nope.

^^ made me laugh! I commented up thread too but really interested in why having the same surname as a "family" is so important to many on here? I'm married to my DH and decided our children can take his surname but I'm totally happy not having the same surname, doesn't make me feel any less of a family at all so wonder why it would for some?

I like my name and didn’t want to change it, its not an amazing surname or anything but it’s who I am. I guess my husband felt the same as he didn’t change his either. Ours kids have part of mine and part of his, so actually neither parents matches the kids exactly.

I don’t think we’ve had any negative comments, although occasionally I do get post addressed incorrectly from family but that has never bothered me.

I really don’t like the “traditions” surrounding surnames in the U.K, but which cultures don’t use a patriarchal naming system? I’d be interested to know, particularly for naming children.

@Trenisenne

I did because I didn't really think not to. Regret having done so.

This!

I love tradition and it didn't even cross my mind not to take my husband's surname. Now we have a child it seens even more important, as it cements us as a family unit.

I changed my name to dh as I didnt like my own. Had mine been better I would still have changed all of our names though as I really like all of us ie dc as well to have one family name to represent one family unit.
I have been a bit lazy and not changed my passport name and I've got stopped when travelling alone with dc. Last time the person on controls said I had to prove I was the mother of my dc and I knew I had to travel with documents on me and a letter from dh but it is a big pain. Much easier if all have same name.
Easier at school to be recognised as mum or at least our school anyway and easier clubs etc .
My friend had a lovely titled name and kept her dh hideous name literally polar opposites, even his family said they should all have hers. Her thinking was archaic and I wonder if she regrets giving her dc the terrible name too (her dh freely admitted to being bullied fgs!).

Because I didn't like my surname and I find it simpler for the whole family to have the same name. Hardly a massive issue if not but as I hated mine anyway it was the obvious choice. I don't much like my new name either tbh fussy shit that I am

I changed mine because that's what you did twenty years ago. I did want my children to have the same name as me. I also thought it would be great to have a common surname I wouldn't have to spell every time.

Fast forward twenty years and I really regret it. I'm still happily married, but my awkward to spell surname is in fact really unusual and much more interesting than my husband's bog standard one.

We needed to use German naming law which meant either one changing their name to the other's or just one becoming double-barrelled. My DH wanted to keep his name as his father had recently died and my maiden name can't be double-barrelled so I changed my name. I kept my maiden name as an additional middle name.

I was 23 when I got married and I thought it was all very romantic. It never really occurred to me not to! I also thought DH's surname was more interesting than mine, and more importantly, they are both difficult to spell but people know they can't spell DH's surname, so they ask, whereas mine was an unusual spelling of a fairly common surname, so they didn't ask and just got it wrong.

I think it’s fair enough if you don’t take your DH’s name, but if you then go on to let your children have his name, then that’s actually “double naming patriarchy” because you kept the male-lineage name you probably inherited from your dad yet, because you’re a woman you didn’t get to pass your name on (because that would be your DH).

Anyway, I did take DH’s name and would do so again because he’s quite traditional in many ways and I get it and I’m not threatened by it.

If I ever get married, there is a good chance I'll change my name. I think I'd feel just more genuinely someone's wife.

There's a chance I wouldn't though, because my surname is fairly rare and as a childless spinster I'm the last person with it.

However, I'm a lesbian. So the 'Why always the woman who name changes?!' Isn't applicable.

I would have changed to DH’s surname if it was more exciting and sounded better with my first name. I don’t want to have a shitty sounding name just because it’s traditional. My DC have DH’s surname and it’s fine because they have suitable first names that were chosen to match the surname. I’ve never cared about having a family name, it’s completely irrelevant. My friend on the other hand has changed her surname to the father of her child’s surname because she desperately wanted a family name and he wouldn’t marry her!

I chose to change because

1. I was sick of spelling my surname out. Only to find that I still have to spell it out.
2. I did not have a good relationship with my Dad so had no desire to be constantly reminded of it.
3. getting married was the beginning of my new life as one half of a pair and I wanted to mark it with a change. I also changed my first name to the name that most friends and family used.
4. I wanted to ensure that any kids had the same name as me and did not want to be the odd one out
5. it was not really up for debate in those days.
6. it saves soooooo much hassle when travelling abroad
7. it saves me having to constantly correct people who automatically refer to me as Mrs x when I handle things on his behalf.
8. I prefer his surname to my maiden name
9. it goes better with my adjusted first name
10. my original name brings back memories of being bullied constantly throughout my childhood and early twenties. I am not that person any more.

if you then go on to let your children have his name, then that’s actually “double naming patriarchy” because you kept the male-lineage name you probably inherited from your dad yet, because you’re a woman you didn’t get to pass your name on
When I was born, yes I was given my Dad’s surname, along with a first name that was chosen to match it. It flows, it sounds good, both names are from the same ethnic origin. I don’t want to have DH’s surname, which is English so doesn’t sound right with my first name. I’m fine with my DC having an English surname because they have matching English first names. I picked the first names and DH gave them their surname, so we contributed 50/50. If anything I had a better deal because I had a free choice from millions of of first names but DH only had one choice of surname.

My intent had been to change my full name, but I was advised that it might look dodgy to immigrate and then immediately change one's entire name. So, until I completed Indefinite Leave to Remain, all my immigration documents and paperwork from my country of origin was in the same name as on my birth certificate, but I went by a different name in daily life because I didn't want to be called my birth name anymore - I wanted a fresh start. I later learned the Home Office does not care as long as any passports you hold are in the name you want to use & you include every name you've been known by in applications. Now it's changed almost everywhere, and that has included having the same surname as my spouse since I didn't want one from my paternal or maternal lines as far as I know them.

I agree that conscious choice rather than sex-based tradition would be better, but I don't think many care about it that much. I've had multiple people tell me they supported my choice, but they couldn't really understand it - they all said something like their name never meant that much that they would think to do differently. I think it's the same here - if it doesn't matter that much to them, most will go with tradition. It needs to matter to go against it for something 'better' and deal with the shite that comes with that for some.

I changed my name because my old name was awful

@brakethree

Agreed Throck. Also aren't posters sad that, judging by the responses on here, most of their DDs will hate their surnames and be desperate to change them!

I really couldn't care less. I just want her to do whatever she prefers. The only thing that would upset me would be if she wanted to change her name because she wanted to sever a connection to us, and then the name would be a symptom, not the real issue.

I'm a sucker for tradition.

I didn't change mine because my husbands was absolutely awful, slang for a certain something...

Also, a member of my family is a little bit famous & my surname is rare & distinctive & I love being associated with them. I realise it makes me incredibly shallow but I don't care

Over 30 years of marriage and when I didn’t change my name it was an issue for quite a few people.

We’d just reached the point where women kept their name for professional purposes but I was the first in my workplace to just not change my name full stop. Folk drew attention to it at work. Family still write cheques to my married name.

We didn’t combine our surnames for our DS but did include my surname as a middle name. I’m not overly attached to my maiden name, I didn’t change it because I didn’t think it sat properly with my feminist principles or those of my DH. With our DS I just felt my DH’s name was the nicer surname and mine was terrible for teasing and bullying and too long to combine. He got it as a middle name because we’d heard air travel with a parent who didn’t share a name could be problematic.

I wanted to. I like tradition. I like being 'The Smiths'. I liked that DC would have the same name as both parents. It makes life with kids easier imo. My DH didn't care and my MIL kept her maiden name. It was my choice. I wasn't super attached to my maiden name. If I hadn't have been married when we had DC they would have had my surname as I would always have wanted the same surname as my kids. As an aside, I find it really annoying posting cards and having to remember different surnames for everyone in case I mortally offend them (although I know the posting of cards is very contentious on mumsnet )

I changed mine, because where I’m from, my maiden name was met with looks of terror (no joke). Very large family, lots of crime, lots of not very nice relatives.
Thankfully, my “branch” of the family isn’t involved, but with that name you are always linked back to that family.
So between moving and changing my name, I feel a lot happier that I’m not associated with the likes of them.

I changed mine only because I preferred it - if I hadn't I wouldn't have changed.

I wanted a family name.
I wasnt bothered about keeping mine, dh preferred his.
I didnt feel my "identify" or independence was that fragile changing my name would impact it and it didn't.
I can't be bothered with the virtue signalling of not taking a "man's" name. Take whatever name you want, just don't go on about it, or be offended if someone occasionally gets it wrong, no one else cares!

We both wanted the same name as the children. His was nicer and his family name whereas I didn’t like mine and it wasn’t my family name so had no attachment to it so we went with his.