To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

@ChavvySexPond

It is odd how often independent female choices give the patriarchy what it wants isn't it?

Ha. Yes.

Maybe we all should do what musicians/actors do and pick new cool names like John Legend or Alicia Keys. Then we could get rid of all these crap boring surnames (including mine) forever!

@ChavvySexPond

It is odd how often independent female choices give the patriarchy what it wants isn't it?

And how indignant people can get when it’s pointed out to them. Denial is a powerful thing.

Yes people are always very defensive on threads like this.

@AnotherEmma

Yes people are always very defensive on threads like this.

Like all the women who claim that they independently and with no outside societal or familial pressure decided to chuck their career to stay home with young children when very few men making the same risky choice.

I've only changed mine at my bank , only because we had cheques made out to Mr and Mrs natsel84 for wedding gifts and we wouldn't have been able to cash them . Other than that all important documents are still in my maiden name, been married nearly 3 years

@ChavvySexPond

It is odd how often independent female choices give the patriarchy what it wants isn't it?

Well, yes. Society has conditioned women to think about changing their name so it's easy for them to think of it.

Men, however, never have any pushing to change their names, so it never crosses their mind to change them.

Like all the women who claim that they independently and with no outside societal or familial pressure decided to chuck their career to stay home with young children when very few men making the same risky choice.

This. Is a topic for another thread!! Another really sad thing I find about being a female. I don't have kids yet but no way am I taking the majority childcare. If it kills me. Not. A. Chance.

@Danni290

Like all the women who claim that they independently and with no outside societal or familial pressure decided to chuck their career to stay home with young children when very few men making the same risky choice.

This. Is a topic for another thread!! Another really sad thing I find about being a female. I don't have kids yet but no way am I taking the majority childcare. If it kills me. Not. A. Chance.

There is another thread. But the two things are not comparable - changing the collection of letters comprising your surname is not the same as stopping your pension contributions for several years.

I changed mine because

1. It was important to my DH. If I’d have refused, he’d have accepted it I’ sure, but I know his preference was for me to take his name. Yes, an old fashioned view but I think it came from a good place with him.

1. I wanted to share a surname with my DH and any future children. I don’t like double barrelled names, so one of us would have to change our surname.

1. I wasn’t particularly attached to my maiden name and didn’t feel it contributed much to my identity. I didn’t object to changing it or initiate a discussion about whose surname we should share as a family.

So as DH was keen for us to have his surname, we both wanted to share a family name and I wasn’t bothered about keeping my maiden name, we just went with me changing my name.

I think there’s plenty of good reasons for a women to keep her maiden name or for the man to change his surname, but didn’t feel it had much relevance in my case. I’m happy with my decision.

I’d already changed my name once, so I wasn’t particularly attached to it. We debated coming up with a new name but couldn’t think of anything we particularly liked

I’m amazed at the number of women who don’t like their surname, their DH’s is easier to spell, their in laws would be hurt if they didn’t change and they want to all have the surname. It’s a different world to the one I live in.

[quote Danni290]@OchonAgusOchonO yes it annoyed me initially. He says now he likes it but I think he says it becasue he has no choice lol.

He also was upset initially because I think it made him feel embarrassed, his friends would say they'd never marry a woman that didn't take their name 😱

Sadly many men feel the same, at least men I've come across. Very, very sad. [/quote]
My husband had equally awful friends who said the same thing and they kinda got into his head about it, but I kept firm as I thought it odd they had such firm opinions on a name not their own. I kept my name and now, many years later, DH could care less and we, unlike most of his jerk friends, are happily married. The older you get, the fewer people care what last name you have.

"Because it was important to my husband" 🤢 Why do you think that was so?

We've clearly a very long way to go!

@Sorberret I didn't fall right in, it was a serious question. I don't think the way you frame it makes a difference, but you seemed to suggest it did. I don't think I belong to DH, or he belongs to me. So how should I say it, I'm proud to be his DW, or I'm proud he's my DH?
(I wouldn't say either tbh, regardless of how much I love him, I don't feel necessarily proud to be his wife, or proud he's my husband.)

To get rid of my maiden name. In my 36 years of singlehood only maybe 2 people ever pronounced it correctly and it only had 4 letters!

Just when I had kids and so they’d have an easy ride and not have any confusion for them.

Because I wanted to. The end.

@BlingLoving it might be I've had less push back as I married later in life and had been Ms for a long time - maybe I also have a resting bitch face that puts off arguments!

Because I didnt want to carry on with a name associated with my dad and brother. Pity, I kind of liked the name.

I always hated my surname growing up. So I knew I would change my name. I love my husband's name and I wouldn't change it if we divorced. My daughter fully intends to keep our surname when she marries as she loves it too.

I was pleased to get rid of my shit surname that autocorrect always changed to 'Semen'.... so yeah, bye bye maiden name

I didn't use my married name until the DC were about 8/10 and then only because it just seemed easier somehow that we all had the same surname all of the time.

Reading this, I'm curious as to why more women don't change the surnames they hate. Why wait until marriage to do so, if you hate your surname that much?

Agreed Throck. Also aren't posters sad that, judging by the responses on here, most of their DDs will hate their surnames and be desperate to change them!