To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

@pinkyredrose for me personally, I wanted the four of us to have the same name, not just me and the kids. Neither of us wanted to double barrel.

@CoralFish

I am getting married soon and my thought process goes like this:

1. I would like us to have a family name (for the two of us and our children).
2. Fiance does not want to change his name or care about point 1.

So that's sort of decided. I will probably keep my maiden name as a middle name. I'm not going to make fiance change his name, just as he isn't going to make me change mine. (Although I would be happiest with a new blended surname!)

Also, all these people saying about wanting the same name as their kids, the relatively recent trend for children taking their father's name really annoys me. Children always used to automatically take their mother's name, which, if they were married, was often the same as their father's. This may sound like a weird thing to get annoyed about, but I have heard so many people quote it as 'tradition' when it really isn't!

So why not keep yours and give your kids yours when you have theM?

feel like I'm being an awkward cow but I just don't understand why it's such a common thing in this day and age where women seem to be so independent why most people go along with it

I dont base my independence and self identity on a name. Didn't bother me in the slightest changing my surname.

I kept mine for work, but gave up on the home front as by the time you have kids the assumption is there that you're Mrs Maiden Name

I'm thinking what I'd have done if I had a beautiful maiden name but the same father...It's more likely I would have kept it but I am so, so glad to be rid of his name now that it's hard to say. Maybe I would have changed it to something similar but different, eg if my maiden name was Rose, I might have changed it to Carnation or something like that.

I often wonder if these people who had "awful surnames" (I refuse to say maiden name, sorry!) have hetero brothers. Will they be completely understanding should the brother get married but his wife doesn't want his 'awful' surname? Somehow, I doubt it!

My mother still resents it that she felt pushed into taking my father's name rather than her own which was a unique name (but not weird) taken by her and her brother to get away from their father's boring name. I agree with her: while there is nothing odd with my father's surname, hers would have been much more special.

Have suggested to dd that she should take it, but she's pointed out that it sounds quite rude in English so probably wouldn''t help her career.

Wouldn't have thought it at all odd if one of my brothers had taken their wife's name. Two of them didn't marry and their children have their mother's name; I know one of them really wanted to get married and would have been happy to take his partner's name, but she didn't want marriage.

I'm not married yet, but I'll be doing what my best friend has done - keeping her own name, but if she's referred to as 'Mrs Husbandname' she doesn't really mind.

I have a name, I like it, and any children will have my surname.

(Although it's not the point cos I wouldn't change it anyway, mine is very rare - I'm semi-directly related to everyone with the name, it only exists in the UK and there's about 20 of us - whereas his is as common as Jones or Smith.)

I don’t think that’s the case nowadays. Most married women I know kept their name or double barrelled.

I’m not married but changed my name to my partners. I was the only one in my childhood household with a different name as I had a different dad. When I was having my first child I legally changed my name to my partners. Even if we split up I will always keep this name now.

One of my brothers, like myself, has a career which depends on his name being known, so if he did take his (non-existent) wife's name, I would expect him to double-barrell.

Dd on the other hand is going to have to change her surname simply because it's already taken by Equity and they don't allow two actors with the same name to join. If she marries (unlikely) then her husband's name might be a solution, if not she will be digging into her family tree.

My name wasn't awful - just long and paired with a long first name. I hate my first name being shortened but both together was a mouthful and lots of people do shorten it (to a name I hate that just isn't me). I hoped that when faced with fewer syllables fewer people would arbitrarily shorten my first name. Less of an issue for my brothers with their one or two syllables and three to five letters. One brother's wife has taken the name, the other married ones wife hasn't, the third isn't married. I didn't change by default because it's the "done thing" I weighed up the options and made an informed decision.

Cos my maiden name was shite.

I only changed my name because I genuinely hated my previous surname. Got bullied for it at school too.

I only changed my name because I genuinely hated my previous surname. Got bullied for it at school too

Why didn't you change it as soon as you were legally able to then?

I didn't change mine. I do wish my kids had my surname though. Changing mine to theirs isn't the solution for me.
I hope when they're adults they will be rampant feminists and change theirs to mine but I doubt that'll happen because they already feel like that's their name!

My husband and I took each other's surnames and double barrelled... I wasn't about to lose my surname because why should I and I lost my father in my twenties so would never want to be without his name. My DH felt that he would like to have my fathers name too and also understood that I didn't want to lose my family identity. I think it's juvenile to have this opinion, as someone further up thread said 'what are your children going to do have third and forth double barrelled surnames!!' Of course not, they are going to decide as everyone else here has what they want to be called and go with that. In Spain I believe the tradition is to name every new child with the mother maiden name so the names are enormously long in some cases... it's just a cultural thing. I agree with the OP that some men's reactions to not wanting the woman to take their surname is bizarre and very old fashioned! Although I did know a friend of the family who took his wife's surname because he hated his....

@corythatwas

One of my brothers, like myself, has a career which depends on his name being known, so if he did take his (non-existent) wife's name, I would expect him to double-barrell.

Dd on the other hand is going to have to change her surname simply because it's already taken by Equity and they don't allow two actors with the same name to join. If she marries (unlikely) then her husband's name might be a solution, if not she will be digging into her family tree.

That's a rather different set of circumstances though; that's a stage name and it applies equally to men and women. David Tennant goes by that surname for that reason...might have been his mother's name, I can't remember.

@Parker231

Why is it people think the men have the nicer surname?

I don't think men in general have the nicer surname the particular man that I married had the nicer name though imo. Mine was long, difficult to spell and I never liked it growing up. His was short and simple and I preferred it, I was not bothered one bit by ditching my old surname. And as I said, if I'd married a man who's surname I didn't like then I would have kept my own.

As for the comments about brothers and what I'd think if their wife didn't take their surname because they didn't like it, 1. I don't have any brothers so 🤷‍♀️ and 2. I'd not have given a shiny shit what my hypothetical brother's wife chose to be called.

I don't see why some people have to insinuate that every woman's decision to take her husband's name must be because she's bought into this sexist patriarchal society. I get it, that's how it was originally intended, but I genuinely just preferred my husband's name. I toyed with the idea of keeping mine and my husband wouldn't have cared, but I decided to go with his because I liked it. My old surname was my dad's name, so still 'belonged' to a man originally, in that sense anyway, so why does it matter?

I agree it shouldn't be expected anymore and men should not be insulted, upset or whatever if a woman chooses not to take his name but so what if a woman wants to? Why does it make her any less of an independent woman?

Why didn't you change it as soon as you were legally able to then?

I thought about it, and even started the process once. But it really upset my parents, whereas they didn’t feel the same way about me changing it at marriage. I hated it, but I hated upsetting my parents more.

Just looked it up...no, it wasn't his mother's name, but yes, he did need to change it to join the Screen Actors Guild. His birth name was McDonald.

I appreciate that he had to do it for career reasons but nobody seems to mind about it. Reinforces my feeling that if men could change their names easily, for free and with literally no judgement or negative connotations, a lot of them would.

I hanged my name because I had a really difficult name to pronounce and spell, people used to get it wrong all the time, it was very annoying. I wanted a ‘normal’ name and I really like my husbands last name.
I wanted my family to all have the same name too!

@CrunchyNutNC - There are a set of societal norms associated with being publicly married, currently including changing names,

Not in the circles I move in. I know very few women who changed their names.

What about being referred to as Mrs dhname dhsurname? Are you happy with that? After all, it is still part of the social construct now.

and I'm not sure why someone takes on that role if they hate the implications so much.

Disliking and ignoring one historical inequity does not mean that I hate all implications associated with marriage. There are benefits to being married that I do like.

I got married in 1992 so fairly normal back then . I was just turning 20 but to me there was never a doubt that I would I was proud to be marrying the love of my life I wanted his name I was Proud to be called a Mrs . I also wanted the same surname as our children . I get that some people will not agree with what
I have posted but please be respectful of my choices .

We haven’t got married yet but I intend to take DP’s surname. I don’t have any particular attachment to mine (it’s very common and apparently my family chose it a couple of generations ago when emigrating to the U.K. to avoid anti-Irish sentiment with the original one, so no long history) so I don’t feel I’d lose my identity. I also want to have the same surname as my future children.

Proud to be called a Mrs

I was waiting for this to come up

Proud of what, exactly? Snagging a man?! Is your husband not proud to be married to you? If so, did he amend any part of his name to reflect this?

I changed my name when I got married the first time because I detested my last name.
I've got married a second time and kept my first married name as I want to be the same as my child.