To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

My mum never took my dads name after they were married or her second husbands. My name is mumsname dadsname and literally the reason it doesn’t have a hyphen is because they weren’t sure they could use one on registration forms. I never occurred to me to take DH’s name and he’s never mentioned it. The only time there’s ever been a mix up is at the vet and that’s cause I gave the pets a different surname to me and dh to respect their family heritage. So now the vets call for Mr or mrs catssurname. Oh and I never changed to mrs either.

I don't like my surname and it's difficult to spell but I just don't see why I should take my DH's name just because he'd like me to. It really doesn't sit well with me and I can't think of a single good reason for why I should take my OH's name.

It doesn't help that I'm originally from a scandinavian country and I know plenty of marriages there where the husband took the wife's surname.

First marriage - I couldn't wait to get rid of my maiden name (hated it) and changing your surname was very much the norm.

Second marriage - I didn't want to carry on using my first husbands surname (I didn't revert back once divorced) and I preferred my DHs surname to my maiden name.

Nowadays, if I was to marry for the first time and liked my maiden name, I'd consider keeping it, double barreling (especially with children), or using each surname as and when I like.

I changed mine but now wish I hadn't. I did it because it seemed like the normal thing to do at the time (1990s). I regretted it after a few years because I felt like I'd lost a little bit of my identity, because my previous life and my family's history isn't connected with that name. I'm on a facebook group for people who went to my old primary school and it always makes me feel slightly sad when I recognise someone and have to say "I used to be [previous surname]".

I've had a few things published where I needed a pseudonym to separate it from another job I do, but my birth name is shared with a TV presenter, so I used my mum's birth name. I seriously thought about keeping that as my permanent name, but it was too much hassle explaining to family, dh, etc, so I just went for the easy option, but I still would like to do it sometime.

Astounding how many posters on here hated their original names, cannot imagine what all these awful last names can have been.

I didn’t change my name because I didn’t want to- it’s my identity. And my husband didn’t even want to consider changing his name so that was that. The children have his name though because my husband and in laws had such a hissy fit and I was tired after birth and couldn’t be bothered with the fall out.

I also go by Ms because I don’t see why my title should indicate whether I am married or not. Men don’t have to declare that and can go about their business without strangers making assumptions about them due to their relationship status.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t share the same name as my children, but then I remember that to do so I would have to give up my identity which I’m not prepared to do. Our names don’t sound good double barrelled so that is not an option (think names from completely different languages).

I think it is quite belittling to think no woman can choose freely between two names, they have to be swayed by tradition. They can't possibly have a free choice and a preference, even when they've stated their partners would have been happy either way.
Both myself and DH have gender neutral prefixes. So think...
I'm Dr X Surname
He's Dr Y Surname
And our child is Z Surname
The surname was decided between us.
What's more equal than that? Choosing a name for my family that I liked less to make a point is bowing to pressure more than what I did.
We proposed to each other on the count of three.
I bought him a watch that matched the cost of my ring.
Our wedding rings cost the same.
I didn't wear a white dress.
Both my parents walked me down the aisle, and every parent (whether mother/father and of bride/groom) had an identical role in the wedding.
We split childcare and work hours completely equally.
We make decisions together.
The idea that I'm not a feminist or our relationship is unequal because I had a fondness for his name over my Dad's name is ridiculous. I don't think we could get much more equal.
We like being married, I chose to follow or not follow some of the trappings that go with it as I felt comfortable with. We made it what we want it to be. Casting a whole judgment on a woman for her surname choice is more shitty and anti-feminist than believing she can make her own decision on this aspect without being a poor suckered trad wife.

@slipperyeel

Astounding how many posters on here hated their original names, cannot imagine what all these awful last names can have been.

I don't think it's that shocking. I know lots of people who don't like their names. I also see through my work that a lot of people have surnames I wouldn't personally like to have.

I changed mine. I needed a fresh start. My family was toxic, my husbands family are so nice. I wanted to be a part of that family. I wanted our children to have the same name as both parents. I don't regret it at all.

DH wanted to change his name to mine. His surname is one that is open to schoolboy 'banter' and innuendo and he would have been happy for any future children not to have it.

But I am from a massive family. There were just 3 of his family, him and his mum & dad. They would have felt very hurt so I persuaded him that it would be the nicer thing to do to keep his. I loved his parents and had no wish to upset them uneccessarily. And, unlike many people here, I don't feel that a name forms my identity, it's just a name.

My boys have had no issues with the name at all.

No one ever calls me "MrsSurname" anyway. If someone says "Mrs...." I simply say my name is "firstname only" and that's what they call me from then on.

Interestingly I noticed that on recent letters for hospital appointments there's no salutation at all, just addressed to "firstname lastname".

"The idea that I'm not a feminist or our relationship is unequal because I had a fondness for his name over my Dad's name is ridiculous."

Literally no one has said that, obviously.

For me, everyone is free to do what they want with their names but I chose to take my husbands name (7 years ago). I guess there’s many reasons why; I like his surname, I wanted the family unit to have the same name but I think the main one for me is that to me, it doesn’t signify inequality between us but it signifies that we are a team. That’s exactly how our relationship is and I think it’s reflects in nicely.

The idea that I'm not a feminist or our relationship is unequal because I had a fondness for his name over my Dad's name is ridiculous. I don't think we could get much more equal.

No one is saying you’re not a feminist. But there are entrenched traditions that we don’t fully consider the influence of. For example in your post you referred to your husband’s name, but called your maiden name your dad’s name. Why does the name only belong to the man? Why didn’t you call it your name, or even your mum’s name? Why wasn’t your husband’s name his dad’s name?

It’s the almost accepted concept that a man’s fathers name becomes his name, but a woman only borrows her father’s name that I find odd.

I didn't change my surname when I married (2017), I think i my husband would like me to but I don't want his family name. He has his mother's name, and I don't want her name or her family's- they are all awful. Annoyingly his dads side are all lovely I'd happily take that.
I'm now pregnant with our first child and still reluctant to change it, double barrelling the two sounds a bit weird. So a bit stuck!

I'm in my 20's for reference, but will be taking DP's name when we marry soon.

1. I hate my dad's side of the family, I don't want to be affiliated with them/the name. (If I had my mum's last name, I'm 99% sure i'd keep hers if I got married.)
2. DP's last name is cool
3. DP's mum treats me like her own daughter, and I love them, and enjoy being part of their family.

I wanted us all to have the same name

Why his?

Main reason is probably that I didn't care what surname and it's easier to switch to his (or was back 19 years ago)

Other minor ones
He didn't like my old surname (was willing to go to something new for both of us)
He had already changed his once in preteen years (he was adopted) - so now we've both had two surnames

Married in 2008 aged 37, I did not change my name, it never even occurred to either of us that i would. My mil didnt realise for a few years and she wasn't happy, after her mentioning it a few times and giving her reasoning as husband and wife should have the same name I told her that my husband had agreed to change his surname to mine because it was so important to her, she never mentioned it again, he still has his name, I still have mine

I changed mine because it's the traditional' thing to do. I'm a traditionalists and couldn't wait to take my husbands name and being a mrs. Also I like to be referred to the traditional way when being addressed, so if addressing us both Mr and Mrs husbands initial surname.

The idea that I'm not a feminist or our relationship is unequal because I had a fondness for his name over my Dad's name is ridiculous

Why is his name his, but your name is your Dad's? Why isn't his name his Dad's name? Do only men have ownership of surnames?

I changed mine because it's the traditional' thing to do. I'm a traditionalists and couldn't wait to take my husbands name and being a mrs. Also I like to be referred to the traditional way when being addressed, so if addressing us both Mr and Mrs husbands initial surname

What other 'traditional' things are you fond of? Not being able to vote? Not being able to obtain a mortgage without your husband's permission? Being sacked from your job upon marriage? Ahhhh, traditions are great, aren't they?

For us it’s as simple as we want the same last name but my surname sounds ridiculous with his first name and double barrelling sounded worse still so it was either I take his or we have different names.

His sounds pretty good with my first name so happy to switch. However, keeping my name at work as I have a professional reputation built on it and I don’t want to drop my maiden name completely. We discussed it and we’re happy.

@CrunchyNutNC

Amazing how these norms always seem to have a negative impact on women though

But it's not normally a negative impact though, is it. It's a touchy subject because inequality creates negative impacts on women in other ways, but changing a name is not, in itself, a negative.

My friend had her dad's name when I met her but when her parents split up she and her mum changed to her grandad's name.

Then her mum remarried and they all changed to the new husband's name.

Her father was upset about this so my friend changed her name back to his.

Then she got married and changed her name to her husbands.

Then she got divorced and went back to her dad's name.

Then she married again and took her new husband's name.

Are you not exhausted just reading that and thinking about the life admin involved with qualifications, passports,driving licence, bank accounts,..?

@roarfeckingroarr I agree except my name was horrid, his is charming.

@kaiserin they never look me up and down like that and change when they find out my title - they are polite always.

@CrunchyNutNC I got married because I love my husband and wanted that commitment with him (and I can’t believe I’m having to actually state why I married my husband). We wanted to celebrate our commitment with our families and friends. We wanted our relationship recognised by the state. We also got married in a church because that was important to us and we wanted that element of our relationship too.

For practical reasons, I live 200 miles away from my family and my in-laws live in a different country. It makes sense to be legally recognised as next of kin and that we can make decisions about the other’s care while our other family is 4+ hours away. We also knew we wanted to buy a house together and if one of us should die, we don’t have to worry about splitting our estate with our deceased partner’s parents (we don’t have wills).

Not changing my name is not taking on the baggage of marriage. The practical side of my marriage is all about the baggage. I can be upset that people don’t respect my choice about my name without it having any impact on my marriage. Stop projecting.

@happymummy12345

I changed mine because it's the traditional' thing to do. I'm a traditionalists and couldn't wait to take my husbands name and being a mrs. Also I like to be referred to the traditional way when being addressed, so if addressing us both Mr and Mrs husbands initial surname.

Nothing wrong with that. Some people confuse traditions with laws but they are optional. You made your own decision and that's great.