To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I didn't change my name as his surname rhymed with my first name, his family still referred to me as Mrs his name 🙄🙄. I have one freind whose husband took her name upon marriage so that their kids didn't endure the teasing over it that he had endured.

@StarUtopia - I don’t agree that children get judged with a different surname, it’s the 21st Century for crying out loud.

Lots of women on this thread (and on countless previous threads like it) say that they changed their name after marriage because they disliked their maiden name; they got teased for it, they associated it with a father or stepfather they didn't like, it was difficult to pronounce and/or spell, etc.

But if you dislike your name that much, you don't have to get married to change it. As soon as you turn 18, you can change your name by deed poll. You could even - radical suggestion - change it to your mother's or grandmother's birth surname!

In reality, if someone disliked their surname that much, they wouldn't wait to get married before changing it. The fact is that marriage comes with the expectation that a woman will change her surname, so whether you like your surname or not, changing it is confirming to that expectation. And that is a factor, whether people admit to it or not.

@ElfAndSafetyBored

I like tradition where it suits me. I am a feminist. I believe in individual choice. I will neither bully nor be bullied. Each to their own. Woke is a pile of crap.

There are a few posts like this and probably a reason why I get judgement for not changing my name.

You say @ElfAndSafetyBored that each to their own but then label others ‘woke’ like me which I find judgemental and offensive. There are also several posters saying that they don’t always want to ‘be feminist’.

It shouldn’t be labelled anything if a woman keeps her name, she needn’t be woke or feminist or anything. She just didn’t change her name!

I am getting married soon and my thought process goes like this:

1. I would like us to have a family name (for the two of us and our children).
2. Fiance does not want to change his name or care about point 1.

So that's sort of decided. I will probably keep my maiden name as a middle name. I'm not going to make fiance change his name, just as he isn't going to make me change mine. (Although I would be happiest with a new blended surname!)

Also, all these people saying about wanting the same name as their kids, the relatively recent trend for children taking their father's name really annoys me. Children always used to automatically take their mother's name, which, if they were married, was often the same as their father's. This may sound like a weird thing to get annoyed about, but I have heard so many people quote it as 'tradition' when it really isn't!

If everyone used Ms then the prefix wouldn’t have to change. My daughter’s generation are doing this now so hopefully things are changing. I’ve been using Ms since my late teens.

"I actually added my maiden name back in as an extra middle name as it does mean something to me, and it’s a gorgeous unusual name, and we plan on doing the same with my children‘s names, so firstname middlename maidenname surname. So kind of double barrelled but not."

I find this sad. Why relegate a "gorgeous unusual name" to middle name (which are hardly EVER used) when it could be a surname

I considered giving DC my surname as a middle name but decided that it should be a surname, hence they have two. It's neither gorgeous nor unusual, just a standard inoffensive surname, but it's my surname. DH's, OTOH, is ugly and difficult to pronounce and spell, but of course he had to keep it and give it to his children, because patriarchy.

We wanted a family name. So when we went on to have children they'd have the same name as both of us.
I didn't care for my name before, as have no relationship with my dad so it just made the most sense to go with dhs surname. I also wouldn't have had a different name to any children we had as I couldn't be bothered with the faff of taking them on holiday and either getting a letter off the dad (he works away a fair bit, so there will be times I take dd away without him with other family) or having to bring her birth certificate every time we travelled abroad.

@AnotherEmma

Lots of women on this thread (and on countless previous threads like it) say that they changed their name after marriage because they disliked their maiden name; they got teased for it, they associated it with a father or stepfather they didn't like, it was difficult to pronounce and/or spell, etc.

But if you dislike your name that much, you don't have to get married to change it. As soon as you turn 18, you can change your name by deed poll. You could even - radical suggestion - change it to your mother's or grandmother's birth surname!

In reality, if someone disliked their surname that much, they wouldn't wait to get married before changing it. The fact is that marriage comes with the expectation that a woman will change her surname, so whether you like your surname or not, changing it is confirming to that expectation. And that is a factor, whether people admit to it or not.

Completely agree with your post.

I often wonder if these people who had "awful surnames" (I refuse to say maiden name, sorry!) have hetero brothers. Will they be completely understanding should the brother get married but his wife doesn't want his 'awful' surname? Somehow, I doubt it!

@CoralFish
"Also, all these people saying about wanting the same name as their kids, the relatively recent trend for children taking their father's name really annoys me. Children always used to automatically take their mother's name, which, if they were married, was often the same as their father's. This may sound like a weird thing to get annoyed about, but I have heard so many people quote it as 'tradition' when it really isn't!"

Exactly!

I'm getting married next year. I can't wait to have his name.

Because I want the same surname as our kids

Because my surname is not me, so I don't feel like I'm
Losing any identity. I'm more than name

Because his is nicer

Because I fancy a change

Because I am quite traditional

Before I met my DH I intended to keep my name. But then I met DH and his name is better and doesn’t hyphenate well with my maiden name.

Plus I was always bottom of any alphabetical list before and now I’m not which I prefer

If everyone used Ms then the prefix wouldn’t have to change

The problem is that there are too many people who don't understand, and don't want to understand, what Ms is for. There are countless threads you could find on here, filled with posters of ALL ages saying that Ms is for divorced women only, saying that they can't pronounce Ms, etc. etc.

Can you imagine a thread full of men gushing about why they took their wives' surnames because her surname is so much nicer and how they just couldn't wait to be Mr Hername...

Nope.

I disliked my maiden name, whereas I love my married name.

@Rubytoosday that would irritate me too. And I would feel irrational about it. And as @ShebaShimmyShake says when I use Ms or correct them to Ms some people think that means I am divorced - so another judgement there! When I was younger and used Ms i got a lot more confused and judgemental looks, probably because of the connotation. I think @Kaiserin has nailed it though, love the idea of that interaction and a clear example that people do judge based on the salutation. I might buy myself a 'Lady' title .

To me it's such a personal piece of information to give out, and I hate doing it. Imagine it related to something different, like what sort of pants we prefer. E.g.

Miss = Thongs
Mrs = Big Knickers
Ms = One of two - either 'sticking tradition and refusing to wear underwear at all', or 'used to wear Big Knickers but has gone back to thongs'. The person will judge which one it is based on how you come across.

@Monkeynuts18 I also changed my name from my father's surname to my mother's and relate to the feeling of emancipation you had. Again this is why it is important we have this choice to make as we all have different connections associated with our surnames. @rc22 so funny what you said about being promotioned in the alphabet - I went from W to B when I changed my name aged 10 and loved the impact it had on the register! I would have been demoted if I took my husband's name. Imagine if this was a legitimate underlying reason why some people refused to change their married names. In a few centuries there would be a disproportionate number of A-C surnames

But if you dislike your name that much, you don't have to get married to change it. As soon as you turn 18, you can change your name by deed poll. You could even - radical suggestion - change it to your mother's or grandmother's birth surname!

That would still have been a name taken from a man... To be honest, I might have done that if I'd got to a certain age without being married. But when I was younger, I was scared of causing a rift in the family by making such an obvious and deliberate act of dissociation. I wasn't equipped to handle the fallout back then, though I'd do it now without hesitation. Since I did it through marriage, it was completely acceptable and nobody batted an eye.

I do believe that if men had such a free, easy, simple and totally acceptable way of changing their names, a lot of them would. I actually know a couple of men who changed their names by deed poll. It did cause some family trouble, but I guess that was an indication of why they wanted to do it.

I often wonder if these people who had "awful surnames" (I refuse to say maiden name, sorry!) have hetero brothers. Will they be completely understanding should the brother get married but his wife doesn't want his 'awful' surname? Somehow, I doubt it!

I have a friend who genuinely had an awful surname, especially for a woman. She changed it on marriage. Told me that was the only reason. But interestingly, when her brother married.... yup, his new wife promptly changed to the new name.

I kept my surname. Its my name and it's fine. I also didn't want to change it as "that's what you do".

I wanted us all to have the same name. My husband made it totally clear that he wouldn't be changing his name and therefore the choice was I changed mine and we all had the same name, or I kept mine and we'd have had to revisit it when we had kids.
When we were engaged I said I was thinking about it and I got a lot of nonsense from family members, like I was told I was ungrateful and I should be honoured to take his name. So I'm the end I said I'd change it if theyd all just back off and leave me alone. They did so I change it.
It's fine. Both names are equally ok, they were both given to me by a man (husband or dad, mum gave up her name on marriage, ditto grandmothers etc). I think I just wanted my husband to realise that actually it's a bloody big gift and could go either way, not just take it for granted. Then he had to help with the paperwork because I didn't see why that should be all on me as well. (He just remortgaged in my maiden name after five years because he hasn't got round to sending off our marriage certificate).

Because I am quite traditional

Traditional, in what way?

@BlingLoving

I often wonder if these people who had "awful surnames" (I refuse to say maiden name, sorry!) have hetero brothers. Will they be completely understanding should the brother get married but his wife doesn't want his 'awful' surname? Somehow, I doubt it!

I have a friend who genuinely had an awful surname, especially for a woman. She changed it on marriage. Told me that was the only reason. But interestingly, when her brother married.... yup, his new wife promptly changed to the new name.

If I'd married a man with a worse name than mine then I don't think I'd have changed. I might have spoken to him about the possibility of choosing a new name together, which a few couples I know have done. Knowing him, I guess he'd have wanted to keep his name, though.

By this point, though, I'd have probably changed by deed poll whether married or not, because it would no longer cause such a family drama, and I also wouldn't care if it did.

Mainly I didn't like my maiden name. It is a common word, but an uncommon surname, and consequently it was a pain on the phone, especially as it sounds very different with an accent that uses a long or short a (like bath/barth). It was a gift for teasing/nicknames and also gave me initials that were a fairly well known brand.

My married name is longer but people rarely need me to repeat it or spell it and it has never been mis-spelled in correspondence.

DH has a reputation built on his name, and websites etc that include his surname in the domain so it eas out of the question for him to change his name. I wasn't at a stage in my career where changing my name mattered.

@IceCreamSummer20 I certainly didn’t call you woke. I didn’t call anyone anything.

I don’t like the term woke as I don’t see those who identify with it as being any better informed / aware / caring than the rest of us and I’ve heard some use it to bash others just for having different opinions.

I am honestly for individual choice for all and I won’t judge or label anyone for anything. Each to their own.

@ExclamationPerfume

I find it weird when people don't take their husbands name.

Does that include marriages with 2 husbands?