To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I questioned the whole process when I got married too. I didn't understand why I was expected to change my name. I am close to my family and my husband is practically estranged from his, but when I asked my OH if he would change his to mine he laughed at the idea. That's when I decided I didn't need to change mine. My husband fully supported me on this choice as we have a secure and happy relationship and he doesn't feel the slightest bit threatened or emasculated like some men would at the idea.

I have a different name to my children but it doesn't affect our close relationship(!) If we talk about ourselves as a family we double barrell our 'team name'. Some older family members reject the decision and refuse to call me by my name. It only really affects birthday cards and wedding place names though. Slight frustration when it happens but I realise they are not very close to me if they don't know my name!

I equally found it confusing why we have to change our salutation. Why do men not need to do this? Why is there assumptions and judgement placed on women depending on whether they are Miss, Mrs, or Ms? I find this more frustrating and more confusing that it still exists than the name changing thing. Seriously why does this part exist!?

All in all, whether you change your name or not its entirely up to the individual and affects no one else, so I don't feel strongly about what other people choose to do. I think it will get less common as people realise there is a choice and that it won't affect your relationship with you husband or your children if you choose to keep your name. I also can't help but feel a small win when other people keep their name or do something creative with it. It shows they have had a similar thought process as I did and came to the same conclusion.

Because my maiden name is a slang word for sex - and I'd spent so long rolling my eyes at the many hilarious jokes my eyeballs hurt.

Why do so many people refuse to believe that I hated the sound of my maiden name? It would sometimes make you spit when you said it. It wasn't even the true family name anyway, it got changed in a clerical error a few generations back (and it was shit then too).

If there was a free, easy, culturally acceptable and unremarkable way for men to change their names, I expect a fair number of them would.

And I never make any assumptions about what a woman plans to do. Unless I've been told otherwise, I'll address the wedding card to John and Sarah (maybe Bride and Groom) and it goes without saying that I'll use whatever name the woman wants to go by. I know a fair few who have chosen to keep their names.

Yeah the Miss/Mrs thing .... I took my car for MOT this morning and the receptionist called me Mrs. I immediately corrected her, was surprised how annoyed it made me feel! It annoyed me when I was single, and partnered but not married and now I am married.
I wish women’s titles had no connection to their marital status and just changed on reaching adulthood, like they do for men in this country and for me and women in other European countries at least (I don’t know beyond that).
Quite happy to be married but my surname is just my surname, not my married name and my marital status is none of anyone else’s business - at least not for a garage receptionist (I know she didn’t mean anything by it and this isn’t aimed at her personally!) Certainly marital status shouldn’t matter one way or the other in most contexts.

My mum (in her late 70s) gets really annoyed when people put Mr and Mrs plus my dad’s initial and their surname on envelopes, like she only exists as part of him - at her age she’s had a lifetime of annoyance . I do it sometimes, it’s a shortcut. But I know what she means.

My parents split when I was 4 and my Mum remarried and changed her name.
I got bullied for my surname on childhood and didn't have a strong bond with my biological Dad.
I never liked my surname growing up.
I changed to my Husbands name the day we married and feel it suits me much better and I feel a much stronger connection to my husband and his name than to my Dad.
I think it suits our 3 children more than if they had had my name.

But what annoys me as much is the expectation that our prefix will change post marriage.

Ah ah yes! One of the advantages of going by a different title, like Dr

A bit smug about that one, but it's amazing how much people's attitude change when you correct them:
"- So... [looks up and down at hoodie and trainers]... you want to open a bank account... Hmm... Is that Miss or Mrs?

• that will be Dr.
• oh [pause] ... Can I interest you in our gold plated super duper account with bells on? It comes with travel insurance and house insurance and cash reward system etc."

... Whether talking to a bank clerk, a GP, a car sellers, an estate agent... (It's just the bullshit class system at work, obviously)

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me

Interesting....I didn't change my surname and have a different surname to my children but ONLY because we discussed that our children can take my DHs name.

Children can also just take the mothers name in a married couple but I'm sure that's far too controversial still ( WTF )

I didn't change mine as my name is my name. I'm sad you've had men especially say something about it OP. I've had barely any comments from men and a 'debate' with a friend who said I should still be Mrs 'Original Surname' as I'm married (it was very hard to remain professional and not tell her she was a fucking idiot).

Some family members still send cards Mr & Mrs DHs Surname even though they know I haven't changed my name, they're such nice people that I can't be arsed anymore. Even my own mum says she doesn't know what to write on an envelope when it's both of us. It's not that fucking hard...

Miss RollercoasterRaver & Mr DH

Ta da!

Married name got me "promotion" up the alphabet!! My maiden name began with w and hated being at the end of the register and last for everything through school. My married name begins with c and although I'm obviously not at school anymore I am secretly rather satisfied to be at the top of the alphabet now!!

On a serious note though i can see why changing your name to that of your husband is beginning to seem rather antiquated now.

It's odd isn't it. I love being Mrs and I love being married to my DH. By virtue of that fact it is a statement of fact that my title is Mrs. Personally I am happy to be Mrs His initial; professionally I am first name last name except when a wanky prof/Dr announces themselves with their title then I make it clear they may address me as Mrs and may not use my first name if they wish me to use their title.
I love being a woman and I love being married and see no perceived offence in custom.

I think it’s okay to “go by” the family name while keeping your maiden name for paperwork, security passes, pass port etc. That would solve both problems. Who cares if you book a restaurant with an alias?

Ironically, for me, one of the major reasons I wanted to change my name was because my maiden name made me feel like a possession of my abusive father’s. My surname had been held over me in a very toxic way all my life - ‘you’re a Monkeynuts, you will do X’. He also made a massive song and dance about wanting my children to have my maiden name, at least as a middle name. Because, possessions.

I preferred to share a name with someone I chose to have in my life and who treats me nicely. So for that reason, changing my name was very, very liberating.

I know that’s not everyone’s experience and I’m not going to pretend it was some great feminist gesture or that social norms played no part in it. But it was emancipating for me.

When I got married to husband number 1 I changed it because a, it was the norm and b, I was estranged from my family and didn't want to keep their name.

When I married dh2 I changed it because I was still using husband number ones name and didn't want to although dh2 did offer to change his name so I could keep it to be the same as my dd. However she was not bothered about having my name and I didn't want to keep either my birth name or husband 1's name.
On the other point that has been raised I do feel like I belong to my dh, I see nothing wrong with that, however I also feel (as does he) that he belongs to me, we belong to each other. For us a shared name reflects this. This is just how we feel though, no one else's business what name someone else uses.

All of those who are happy for the family to have different names, presumably don't remember the shame cast upon illegitimate children or children from divorced families before the 70s. I endured it and can never forget it and then when I'd done everything right and had children in the 90s nobody cared or valued stability any more.

Been married for 20 years and never changed my name because it really didn't occur to me. Why should I change my identity?

I've always gone by Ms, before and after marriage. I'm far more annoyed by a prefix that denotes my marital status than a name change that nobody who met me after marriage would even know about unless I told them.

Astonishingly, I've had the odd person tell me I can't use Ms because...wait for it...people will think I'm DIVORCED! (Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!)

If I ever do get divorced, I'll be Ms then too.

I haven't read the full thread but I think my reasoning is probably quite different. I had a traumatic upbringing for a variety of reasons I won't go into. Meeting my husband was something I didn't think would happen, and when it did it felt like a total fresh start for me. A much needed one. When we decided to get married I had no qualms about changing my name, in fact I wanted to. My name held my history, and changing it felt like letting go of all that.

@AnotherEmma

"Surely, as a feminist, you believe in women having choice?"

As a feminist, I don't think choices are made in a vacuum. They are made in the context of patriarchy and sexism.

I don't think we should kid ourselves that our choices are feminist when they're obviously not.

Some choices advance feminism and other don't. As I said in a previous post, we pick our battles, not all choices have to be feminist.

I agree with the OP that it's depressing that so few women choose the feminist option (on this issue) and so few seem to give a shit.

I 100% agree with this.

The "feminism is about choice" narrative offers a particularly weak and unproblematic for the patriarchy version. Feminism, to me, is about power - power to make choices yes, but also to challenge ingrained structural inequalities. A fine example being naming children after their father, not their mother, as default.

I agree it is an old fashioned way of doing things, however, I still took my husband's name. He expressed it felt important to him as the last of his family name and I never felt particularly attached or my identity linked to my surnames due to being adopted and having had two surnames by the time I was 13.

I don't feel that it should be a problem though if people wish to continue with tradition then great. If people want to use the female name great. If people want to change things up and make up their married name great. If people what to double-barrel great. What people choose to call themselves when married, is a personal decision that ultimately has zero impact on anyone else and If a couple can't agree on a married name then I would suggest they are not as compatible as they may be first assumed.

ochon ' Have you transferred all your property rights to your dh? That was a part of the social construct that was marriage until recently?

No, because it's not part of the social construct now.

There are a set of societal norms associated with being publicly married, currently including changing names, and I'm not sure why someone takes on that role if they hate the implications so much.

[quote Danni290]@cardibach but when you are born you didn't have a vice to object to the system. As an adult you are making a choice to ale a new name it's not even in the slightest the same thing [/quote]
Im just wondering about the attachment to the name when it’s a patriarchal construct anyway 🤷‍♀️

I've just read the thread and can see there are actually a few people with similar reasons. Just goes to show the power of a name.

@OhTheRoses

All of those who are happy for the family to have different names, presumably don't remember the shame cast upon illegitimate children or children from divorced families before the 70s. I endured it and can never forget it and then when I'd done everything right and had children in the 90s nobody cared or valued stability any more.

So give your children your name or both, and have your husband take yours

I have kept my name, I really don’t like the tradition of taking the man’s name at all.

Changed it because my husband's surname is great. My old one was really rubbish. I hated it.

@Shoxfordian

Its amazing how many men have really nice surnames and how many women had awful surnames before they changed to their husband's name

I have a family tree that goes back to the Domesday book attached to my surname. DH couldn't even name his paternal grandparents.

I'd expect at the very least a matching family tree before I gave up a name with a lot of interesting history attached!

Not that I'd give it up at all. I'm keeping my name for life, and our children will be double-barrelled. (likely my name first, because his name goes with very few first names)

Plus his name is an adjective, which I'm not so keen on.