To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I'm not saying everyone is stretching the truth. But it's interesting that all the women are claiming dh had the nicer name.

It’s historic and was/ is the done thing so people did it unquestioningly. All this “I hated my maiden name” bullshit implies that it was a totally free choice not made against the backdrop of patriarchal expectations.

But what annoys me as much is the expectation that our prefix will change post marriage. Why does anyone need to change from Ms to Mrs - men don’t need different ones according to their marital status. Mrs screams “I’m so proud I managed to land a husband and want to show that I’m now his”. Bleurgh.

Because I wanted to and I don’t feel the need to justify why.

@Plussizejumpsuit

Ahhh! All the women saying they wanted to have the same name as dc so changed their name. Why were your kids getting your dh name? I assume that is what you mean. Like it's automatic the kids get the father's surname so the mother has to fit in with that.

Mine got her father's name because, as I said up thread, it's easier to spell and pronounce than mine. I didn't want her to have to spend her life having to repeatedly spell out and go over endlessly how to say it. What's wrong with trying to make life a bit easier for her?

@Plussizejumpsuit

I'm not saying everyone is stretching the truth. But it's interesting that all the women are claiming dh had the nicer name.

I definitely had a nicer name, much nicer!

Unfortunately I changed mine under pressure (not from my husband, who was perfectly happy for me to keep my own name).

@RaspberryToupee - Sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you had changed your name to avoid an argument with your in-laws.

My in-laws never send me anything in the post. However, the Christmas card comes addressed to "the DHSurname Family". That's a battle not worth fighting.

We’re not UK citizens but live in London and DC’s have a double barrelled surname which takes in DH and my two nationalities. It’s a long name and they have grown up not having any difficulties spelling it out when needed. I’d much rather they have that minor inconvenience than loose one of their surnames

My DH was quite happy to change his name to mine. We discussed it and decided to use his surname.

We wanted to both have the same surname. It's as simple as that

@Plussizejumpsuit

I'm not saying everyone is stretching the truth. But it's interesting that all the women are claiming dh had the nicer name.

My maiden name was certainly better than dhs

Its a very popular tv characters surname (years ago....)

So years ago people would say ‘reindeer?.....as in Rudolph?’

Only old people do it now 😀

@Plussizejumpsuit

Ahhh! All the women saying they wanted to have the same name as dc so changed their name. Why were your kids getting your dh name? I assume that is what you mean. Like it's automatic the kids get the father's surname so the mother has to fit in with that.

Yes I changed my name so we all had the same name and I agree with you! I’ve never even had that conversation with DH. It is one of the few things left that are just accepted by many women. Including me!

I had DC1 before we were married so he could have had my name, but I chose for him to have DH’s on the assumption that DH would ask me to marry him in the future..... aargh there we go again, I’m way less of a feminist than I thought.

I wanted my baby to have his surname. Her middle name was a particular name in my family and unfortunately our two surnames just didn't go together otherwise I would have been more keen on that. Once we were married it was partly so we had the same name but there were other factors. I was not overly attached to my surname. I have another name that has quite a history to my family. I liked the fact my husbands surname whilst not sounding unlike names here isn't actually found here much. I liked we were all the same. He didn't want to change and I didn't want him to change to my original surname as I don't have a huge amount of value for that family other than my Dad. I did consider keeping my maiden name for work purposes etc but was more convenient to just change for everything. We had just been through something pretty traumatic and I wanted to indicate that this is my family, this is my husband. It was just a feeling. However I really think it should be more open and people choose what suits them. If our names had worked together I would have been more inclined to go with both. Takes time to alter a tradition of society.

All this “I hated my maiden name” bullshit...

I genuinely hated my maiden name and was delighted to be shot of it. Plus, as I said upthread, I got married in the 90s and it was completely the norm to take your husband’s name. I have a box full of our wedding cards and 90% of the envelopes are addressed to Mr and Mrs....Nobody actually asked our plans for a surname - it was just the expectation.

Plus, I was, and am very happy to be a Mrs, terrible feminist that I am 😂

Each to their own but my reasons were:

1. I wanted a family name to share with my future children.

1. He really wanted me to. It was a big deal to him!

1. Literally everyone where I’m from changes their name after they’re married so it was just assumed I would.

@Holyrivolli

It’s historic and was/ is the done thing so people did it unquestioningly. All this “I hated my maiden name” bullshit implies that it was a totally free choice not made against the backdrop of patriarchal expectations.

But what annoys me as much is the expectation that our prefix will change post marriage. Why does anyone need to change from Ms to Mrs - men don’t need different ones according to their marital status. Mrs screams “I’m so proud I managed to land a husband and want to show that I’m now his”. Bleurgh.

I don't like Ms. It sounds wrong to me, like it's missing a sound somewhere. I have no issue with the idea though. In France and Germany you become Madame or Frau when you're an adult rather than when married. I'd like it if we had the same.

I HATE when someone like a chugger approaches me with Miss. I tell them to call women Madam if they do not know their name.

I'm getting married next year and I will be taking his name, I'm not being manipulated or oppressed, i just want to

Social convention. Everyone assumed i would and started calling me that name immediately. I was young and it was a while ago so perhaps if id been 30 not 21 and married 10 years ago not 20+, i would have put up more of a fight. I wanted to merge our names.
MN is full of people that dont change their name, but in my real life i dont know anyone that didnt - until more recently. I knew it happened professionally but in my social group it just didnt so it really would have been a huge statement.
I still wish we'd merged names but i've had this name longer than my maiden name now. My children have this name so thats that.

I liked my husband's surname (a bit more than mine) so I took it. I get compliments on occasion for it and am happy for my kids to have it. But if my other half had a crap surname I would have fought hard for him to change to mine, or just kept my name. My change was really just pragmatism - it is nice though to share a surname as a family IMO, but just my opinion, no biggie either way and I have some friends who have changed and some friends who haven't.

@CrunchyNutNC - But why get married then raspberry? Marriage is a social construct with a set of societal norms (living in the same house, sharing things, going on holiday together, woman changing her name). Why get married if you don't like the baggage that comes with it?

Have you transferred all your property rights to your dh? That was a part of the social construct that was marriage until recently? Do you comply with your husband having conjugial rights over you? Again, a part of the social construct of marriage until recently.

Feminists fought hard to get these appalling laws overturned. There is no law regarding names but it is still part of the old patriarchal approach to marriage. Some of us prefer to move on from that whilst still recognising that there are legal benefits to marriage and also wanting to have a legal and societal recognition of our commitment.

Oh yes and double barrelling would have sounded crap in combination, but that is another thing that some couples I know have done and it is very nice when the names go together.

I love my surname. It is a connection to my grandad who I adored beyond belief and it really matters to me. I’m the last in the family line with the surname and I don’t want it to die out. If I do get married there is no way I would change it and I would want any children to have it included at the very least because it has so much attached to it. Plus I am like the OP, I think the tradition is archaic and the feminist in me doesn’t want to do things like being given away by my dad (would want both parents who did an equal job of raising me) and I don’t want to take a man’s surname because mine is part of my identity. I understand others don’t feel this way but it really matters to me but I get taking their husband’s name may really matter to them.

Just to provide a counter point (it's a choice, not an obligation):
I'm married with kids, and haven't changed my name. Our kids have both our surnames (double-barrelled), and to avoid confusion at the border, we carry a copy of their birth certificates along with their passports (it's no big deal, and no one EVER asked for it so far)

I guess I wouldn't personally mind both me and my husband switching to the double-barrelled version. Just couldn't be bothered to do all the paperwork. People will use our double barrelled family name on Christmas cards, what does it matter if the bank doesn't?

Also I am professionally known under my birth name (as in, published articles with my birth name as the author). The done thing in such circumstances is not to muddle the issue by changing your name, so that someone trying to track the author to find their other papers or contact them, can do so more easily.

I did change but I did think quite hard about not changing. I didnt feel strongly about my last name, its a really common one. Inoffensive but don't love it. Husband didn't mind if I didn't change my name but wanted to keep his (also a common inoffensive not interesting name). So basically it was down to me to decide if I wanted a matching family name or to keep my name. I chose the matching family name in the end, but I think it's a shame he wouldn't consider changing as he's otherwise usually quite good at thinking about equality. I have heard women say their future husband wouldn't like it if they didn't take their name, i dont think i could bear to marry someone like that! Why is her name less important than his? I was also a bit disappointed when a previous colleague of mine who had a lovely rare last name changed it to a really boring one when she got married. If I loved my last name no way would I have changed it.

Not married yet (was supposed to be) but will be next year (if Covid doesn't fuck it up again!)

I'll be taking DPs name. Neither of our surnames are particularly nice, but his is the better of two evils. Could we create our own? Sure, but to what? Making up something random seems pointless. They definitely wouldn't double barrel well either.

If a man gets snippy or upset about a woman not taking his name, that is indicative of an issue, but to say you "feel sad" for the 96% of women who change their name while you happily admit to giving your children your husbands surname is pretty hypocritical. Stand for something sure, but don't fall about yourself to say we're all oppressed by the patriarchy because we've taken our husbands name when you're doing the same thing in a different situation.

It's for the same reasons as.

1. The man is expected to propose to the lady.
2. He's expected to spend 2x months salary on an engagement ring.
3. She wears a white / cream dress.
4. He has a best man.
5. The father walks the bride up the isle.
6. The bride enters the building and walks up the isle not the man.

Etc etc. Its all based on years of tradition.

Making up something random seems pointless

I like the idea....but I haven’t said what name dh wanted us both to change to

That would absolutely show how much i loved that man 😀