To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I don't feel my 'identity' is wrapped up in my name ... for various reasons I have never used the surname which is on my birth certificate - it has never caused any problems.

When I first married I didn't use my first DH's surname, I didn't particularly like the name and I was rather more 'militant' in what I thought was a feminist issue. When I got married for the second time I did use my DH's surname. I think your identity is so much more than your name. I know it's only one example but I have a (married) friend who uses her own surname, the DC use her surname but she is one of the most dependent and needy women and over reliant on her DH that I know.

I just did it as i thought it was the done thing.
After 8yrs I changed it to double-barrelled and readded my maiden name (I have a dc from previous relationship that has my maiden name. Always thought they'd change it but nope never wanted to so I added it to mine so I share a surname with all my children)

I didn't want to change mine, but I did because:

• we were living overseas in DH's country at the time and I was told by my lawyer that the immigration services would take me keeping my name as a sign that it was a sham marriage;
• we wanted to have DC and I knew that if I kept my name it could cause problems at the border if I was travelling alone with DC who had a different surname.

So I changed it, but I was miserable for the first year of our marriage about it.

1 because I hate my maiden name and the people who go with it.
2 because I wanted the same name as my children.

I can't imagine being with someone who would think they had any right to influence what I call myself. If my partner pressured me or even presumed to offer their own opinion about something like that (unless that opinion was "you do you, babe"), it would cause me to question their true character and basic attitude towards women. Frankly, I'd question the whole relationship.

I'm also sceptical about the number of women who have CHOSEN(!!!) to do this, particularly where that choice is based around making a husband/family happy.* We do need to thoroughly interrogate our own choices and keep an eye out for internalised misogyny.

*I appreciate there are several ways in which the name change "norm" can benefit certain women, especially with identifiable/unwanted surnames. It's a nice get-out clause for some. I don't believe this is the situation playing out in most cases though. And what about all the men who might want rid of names for similar reasons? OP is right, the whole thing is fundamentally unequal. On the whole, the current dynamic carries alot of cultural/sexist baggage, even if that doesn't show itself in every individual case.

What castle said. The tedium of explaining it every fucking time also was a factor. I should have kept it at work. That would've been better.

Tbh I think in an age where marriage is now less common it’s more important for one or another to change names if you want people to know you’re married, otherwise most people will just assume you’re not.

But tbh I don’t see why people. Care.

I had an aunt who changed her name after her first marriage and then made all her subsequent husbands (and I don’t actually know how many there were, but there were quite a few) change their names to the name of her first husband....

I changed my name because it never occurred to me not to. It’s not IMO something which needs that much thought, but tbh I wouldn’t have wanted us all to have different surnames if we had DC, and to have to discuss whose surname the DC had.

I am no divorced now but I didn’t change back because this is also my DS’ name.

I’d never given it much thought, but we had DC1 before we were married and I was surprised how much it mattered to me to have the same surname.

It was also a commitment to DH - I’d noticed that everyone I knew who kept their maiden name got divorced- obviously that isn’t a representative sample!!

Our surnames are very similar, start with same two letters, my identity was with my initial due to common first name (eg Sarah D), so it didn’t feel like a big change.

It is strange because in everything else I refuse to comply with society’s gender rules.

@Frazzled13 I'm glad you picked up on that!! I did that deliberately to prove a point so to speak. Lo and behold you fell right in!

I'm changing mine when I get married next year as I hate my maiden name. My entire name is 2 syllables and very 'severe' sounding. He's surname is quite plain but adds another syllable which will be an improvement at least.

Also because I'm keen on having a family name. However if we had surnames that hyphenated well together I might be tempted to do that in the name of feminism!

I love having the same name as my husband and children. I find it weird when people don't take their husbands name.

I'm getting married in 2022 and I fully intend on taking my partner's name. There's no particular reason for it other than I want to. Just because I'll be changing my surname doesn't mean I'll be losing my identity as a person.

Didn't change it.

Didn't change my title either (Ms / Dr)

Noone dared say anything and thankfully I have in-laws who are chilled and relaxed. My MIL wouldn't ever want to upset anyone, so addresses all cards 'Fluffy and Fluffy-Husband' using only our first names in case she's misunderstood....

It was great - Get married and enjoy the honey moon months.... no faff, literally NOTHING to change, no paperwork to sort out, no banks to phone or deal with online..... nothing.

Husband doesn't care at all - Wouldn't have married him if he somehow thought I 'had' to take his surname or 'ought' to take it...

First time I got married I changed my surname, because that’s what you did - never even crossed my mind not to change it! When we split up I reverted to my birth surname.

Second time I got married I didn’t change it because I just didn’t want to.

I figured I had a choice - keep the name I got from got from my Dad, take on my husband's name, do some double-barreled thingy or go for something completely different like Rainbow. I decided to take on my husband's name because it was easiest to spell.

Not read the whole thread so this may already have been said, but here is an answer to your question, op.
In this day and age of 2020 a woman can keep her name, double barrel, or change her name and nobody will really care. If a man takes his wife's surname then he will get an awful lot of judgement for it and have to do a lot of explaining why. If a guy wants to trail blaze on this particular issue then that's up to him, but most won't.
Equality is not a single battle, it's a war of near infinite tiny battles. This one has not really been fought yet.
Personally I was happy to take DH's name because it's nicer than my maiden name, which was forever mispronounced by teachers and laughed at by the other kids.

If you all want the same surname- fine but at least consider that the surname should be Your’s and not your DH’s.

We’ve been married 25 years and not had the same surname - there has never been an issue. We’re a close knit family unit with different surnames. It doesn’t make you any less married.

Its ridiculous to change your surname so that society will know you are married.

Ahhh! All the women saying they wanted to have the same name as dc so changed their name. Why were your kids getting your dh name? I assume that is what you mean. Like it's automatic the kids get the father's surname so the mother has to fit in with that.

Wanted same name for a family - DH was happy to change to mine but I liked his better - it was a mutual decision.
If he wasn't happy to change or he'd forced it it would have been a different story.
I also keep my 'maiden' name for my professional work so it's not gone completely.
DH offered to take my surname as a middle name but I didn't see the point.
I know some people are very attached to their names but it was my Dad's name anyway, still a man's. So yeah, it was a mutual decision about which one we liked best like a first name.

I wanted to, my husband's name is actually much nicer, shorter and easier to say than mine which I've never really been fond of so I was happy to change.

I had always thought though if I married a man who's surname I didn't like, I probably would have kept my own.

I didn't mind his surname and wanted us both to have the same; we debated using mine as we are closer to my family and his step family (whose name he doesn't share) but decided the fallout would be too great from his DF's side. Plus we figured his work would be harder to change names, whereas mine was very easy.
We debated double barrelling and did seriously consider it but the combination of both names sounded like a visitor attraction so we decided against it.

To be honest, future children didn't factor into the decision; I didn't know if I wanted them at that point. I just figured that between the two, I preferred the nice name belonging to the man I loved and chose over the ugly name belonging to the man I hated and didn't choose. I wouldn't have given a toss if Dad's name died out.

Why is it people think the men have the nicer surname?

I loved my maiden name. It was definitely a compromise. DH came from a family of lots of divorces. I wanted to get married and get the security it brings DH didn't as he said we were happy as we are why risk changing it. I put my foot down and said no children until we are married he said OK but we have my family name. I said OK.

I definitely think men have this expectation of passing the family name on and women are just conditioned to give theirs up.

There’s a woman at my work place who is on her third surname in 3 years. When I met her she used her first husbands name but then decided to change to her maiden name. She’s now just got married and has changed her name again. It’s not even as if changing your name at our work is that easy... it’s a complete hassle involving several ID and security passes, not to mention the confusion for everyone trying to find her on the email system etc. It really isn’t that rational when you look at it objectively.