To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

@AnotherEmma

"changing a name is not, in itself, a negative."

In your opinion.

Well how is the average woman negatively impacted?

Can I ask all the women who changed their name on marriage because you had an difficult/embarrassing/shit last name (don't blame you btw, I probably would have done the same, actually, I might have changed it before I got married).
Anyway, what did your brothers do?
Did they keep their name and give it to their children?
Did their wifes take it?
Do you know how they feel about their name?

In some ways I think women are lucky that our culture give us an opportunity to easily change our name without offense to our parents.

My maiden name wasn't my birth name. My mum was married to my bio dad but they split up, she then met my siblings dad when I was around 18 months and changed it to his. This was an extremely common name and I've never felt it was 'mine' so have never been attached to it. I married DH and didn't have any thoughts as to why I wouldn't change it to his, I love my surname and feel it is more me than my previous two surnames. It is not very common and is a pain to spell to people but it's definitely mine now. If we were to divorce I would keep it.

I have a couple of friends where the man hated his surname so changed his name to hers when they got married. He was very pleased with his decision, but I got the impression that some people felt it was a de-masculinising thing to do.

I didn't change mine. Every man and his dog had an opinion about it, which I was expecting but when it started to come from my own family it got a bit weird:

"Don't you have to change it, you know, by law?"

"Doesn't your name just become his anyway?"

"Isn't that the whole point of getting married?"

"Won't his family feel offended?"

"What name are you going to give your children?"

Answers to those: No, No, No, don't care (as it happens if they're offended they've had the decency to keep it to themselves), don't know that there will be any yet but if there are they'll have mine.

A male colleague of mine changed his name to match his female partner's name. A few people at work were confused but once he had confirmed that yes he'd changed his name for this reason everyone was fine with it. No endless rounds of questioning or challenges to his manliness. Funny, that.

If I divorced I wouldn't go back to maiden name. I do slightly prefer my first married name to my second though.

I wonder if we could find stats on deed poll name changes for both first and last names? Are women more likely to change a name they dislike and are men more likely to just "own it" regarding their birth name?

I see lots of threads with women not liking their names (me included). Not sure men do this so much or maybe I just haven't been looking hard enough.

Totally get it, didn't want to change my name at all but as soon as my husband proposed I knew I wanted the world to know I was married to him so changed it even though it's not even a good surname. Also wanted the same name as my children for purely traditional reasons. But it does nark me as a concept

I changed mine because I wanted us all to have the same name, in particular any children (we now have two). I don’t see the issue personally - I know we have a very equal relationship so have no issue with changing my name. If I didn’t think my husband saw me as equal, maybe I’d feel otherwise about changing my name, but then tbh I’d also feel differently about marrying him in the first place!

Easier to spell. I have a first name that needs spelling and my surname has a number of letters that don’t often come together in English and just is a ballache for it to be correct on anything.

I still sign with both names though and the DC have it as a second middle name rather than double barrelled.

Yes sorberret but you can also do this without being married.

Every society has their own norms. Double-barrelling may work in other societies, but in ours it presents the same problem surely - who gets to keep their name, deciding which family name to drop on each side, etc. If women are unhappy to give up their name, why are the next generation going to be any happier?

@Nillynally. @mangoandraspberries

Did you not consider your DH changing his name to yours?

I let DH keep his own name when we got married, I'm very modern like that.

I changed mine, outside of work but kept my maiden name at work. My maiden name is unique and I have a professional reputation and people know me. Outside of work I like being Mrs X. It gives me a sense of belonging to something I’ve created - my family. It wasn’t an automatic thing, I thought about it, we discussed it.

I think you are wrong to assume that people who have taken their husbands names haven’t thought about it. Also, I have a number of friends who identify as lesbians and all have taken their wives names - so no gender based decision there. It was the same principal - they discussed it and made a decision together.

I am still a feminist, I still raise my DD to be independent and not to be reliant on a man (or anyone at all)

I also see it as a family name, not his name but ours.

Changed mine about five years after marriage when I realised I didn’t like having a different name from the dc or the assumption that we weren’t married.

The reason for not giving the dc my name is that it was important to dh and that my maiden name isn’t particularly nice.

Also I hate my father and I guess my name was actually his name.

@KenDodd

Can I ask all the women who changed their name on marriage because you had an difficult/embarrassing/shit last name (don't blame you btw, I probably would have done the same, actually, I might have changed it before I got married). Anyway, what did your brothers do? Did they keep their name and give it to their children? Did their wifes take it? Do you know how they feel about their name?

In some ways I think women are lucky that our culture give us an opportunity to easily change our name without offense to our parents.

My maiden not is not embarrassing but is obviously Scottish. Get sick of being asked about Scotland and clans and so on. It doesn't flow well with my unusual first name.

My sister is with a long term partner and has kept her maiden name. Her daughter took her father's last name.

My brother's kids have his name. My brother and his partner never married. She was adopted and has her stepparents last name.

I married in my 20s and changed my name because that's what you did.
I was widowed young.
I am now married again and again I took my husband's name. He said he'd be happy for me to keep old name he didn't mind.
But I wanted to change it. For me it was part of moving on.

Yes @Ansjovis sounds familiar! Why do people outside care so much! It's none of their business!

I changed mine to his before we married, as I was pregnant and we had his DD living with us full time (court ordered), who was just about to start reception year. It made it easier when dealing with Drs, school, etc. Plus it is easier to pronounce and spell than my family name, which is why I still use many years after we divorced.

I wonder if there are conversations like this in Iceland but the other way around?

I did it because I wanted the same name as my son and my husband wanted him to have his surname. I bloody wish I hadn't, or I wish we'd double barrelled. It doesn't feel like my name.

I have plans to run off with my best friend and we are amalgamating our surnames.

His was much better. My surname was really dull and ordinary. Now I have a much more interesting surname.

I changed my name to my husbands when we married because it made sense really.
Our names sounded daft double barrelled, which would’ve been my preferred choice if it didn’t sound so silly
I want, when we have children, to all have the same surname
We have a very successful business in ‘his’ surname and it’s feels even more ‘mine’ now I’m a XYZ too iyswim?

I actually added my maiden name back in as an extra middle name as it does mean something to me, and it’s a gorgeous unusual name, and we plan on doing the same with my children‘s names, so firstname middlename maidenname surname. So kind of double barrelled but not.

So what I meant to say was the same surname can be seen differently by different women. I sought to change mine, my sister didn't. She has slightly altered the spelling and pronunciation of her first name though.

I've been married for 17 years so things were different maybe. I changed my name for many reasons.

I'm quite traditional in many ways

I wanted us to have the same name, more so as we planned on having children and for me it was important we shared a name

I have a few brothers so my maiden name is being carried on by them plus I don't have a great relationship with my dad so I wasn't particularly attached to my name

My dh only has a sister (who we knew at that stage probably wouldn't have children) so it was more important for his name to carry on

I love having the same name as my dh and family and I don't regret for one second changing my name.

I love my dh and I'm proud his my husband. I don't need to change my name for that. Note, you said "Because I was proud of being his wife" - that right there subconscious you feel like you belong to him.

But you've said "proud he's my husband". Is that you subconsciously saying you feel like he belongs to you?