To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Sorry if this has been said before but one of the things that annoys me about the "women change their name" tradition is how many single mums I know who are stuck with their bastard ex's surname because their kids have it. So many little HisName families with totally absent, shitty dads. It really grinds my gears.

Wasn't keen on my ultra common maiden name, haven't bothered reverting even though we split, I like my married name however if I remarry I will change my name

@Goodgirlmummy
I became a ms (don't get me started on the whole miss and mrs thing 🤦‍♀️)

Because I got married in 2010, I was a lot younger and I just did what was expected of me. But if I was marrying now in 2020 for the first or subsequent time I'd absolutely keep my name. I also wouldn't have been "given away".

Happily married but I tell DH I wouldn't take his name today and it's all very misogynistic!

[quote RaspberryToupee]**@AnotherEmma* as I mentioned in my earlier post, it’s not just my husband, I have conservative in-laws. I don’t want to fight every little thing, I don’t have the energy to fight every little thing and that probably makes me a bad feminist but tough shit. I’ve fought over my* name with people with no vested interest in my name. This is without all the other sexism that is experienced daily. I’m probably going to let this one slide because I also expect sticking points with my in-laws in the future, which I will fight on. Despite their old fashioned views, my in-laws are nice people and I don’t want to argue with them over everything. I would much rather save my energy for a fight on gender roles and ensure my child isn’t bound by in-laws perception of things, than their surname. Which my child can change by deed poll. They won’t have a double-barrelled name because our names both start with the same letter and it’s very clumsy. They will have my surname as a middle name.

I’m choosing for this not to be the hill I die on. It doesn’t mean I don’t recognise the sexism but I’m picking my battles.[/quote]
You see, that's exactly what I said in my posts. We pick our battles. I didn't say that we are "bad feminists" if we change our names, just that it's not a feminist choice. All our choices don't have to be feminist - because living in a patriarchy is hard enough - and that's ok.

@OchonAgusOchonO I didn’t enter a discussion about my surname with my in-laws. My surname is not up for discussion with anyone. However, I still receive post from my in-laws in my husband’s surname and it’s not just them. My colleague told me I was a ‘ball buster’ for not taking my ‘poor’ husband’s name. A family friend asked me why I bothered getting married if I didn’t change my name. My dad will send me a cheque for my birthday and will put my husband’s surname on it, several times I’ve had to tell him I can’t use that cheque. My friend still uses my husband’s surname, even though I’ve told her a few times I didn’t change my name. Everyone is seemingly very invested in my name and that I didn’t change it. I’ve been married for four years and I’m still having some of these conversations. The person who got it without question, surprisingly, was my grandma in her eighties. She doesn’t quite know how to address Christmas cards to both of us but she still uses my name. I’m fed up of explaining my name to everyone, when it doesn’t concern them and didn’t even fucking change so there is literally nothing to note. I’m likely not going to fight my in-laws on the naming of our child because at the moment I’m just fed up of it all.

people pretend it's a totally random choice made in a vacuum and not influenced by society at all.

Actually I think that societal rules/ norms can be good things. If most people prefer their family to have one name then someone changing is sensible (double-barelling works form a generation but isn't sustainable down through the lines). Having a norm about who makes it easy, nobody needs to debate which of them changes, and looking back through genealogy things make sense as you can make an assumption about who changed their name.

It's interesting how many women on here (I'm on page 5) have said they 'didn't mind'because they disliked their previous name / liked their husbands name. It seems logical that there would be a similar number of men who would welcome a name change from one they hated as a child...

@CrunchyNutNC imo it shows a bit of a lack of imagination to suggest that double barrelled names are “unsustainable”...Spain manages just fine.

In practice if two people with double barrelled names get married then they usually choose which one to keep. It’s no different or more disruptive for a couple to go from Smith-Jones and Brown-Black to say Smith-Black than it would be if Miss Smith married Mr Black and they decided to double barrell.

Didn't change name when I got married. When we had our daughter we both changed our names to match hers.

Ditto @DancingCatGif it's the automatic assumption that a woman takes on the man's name (and why people outside the marriage seem to have an issue with it if you go outside of "tradition")

I took a while to after married but DH really wanted me to

I still am my maiden name for work purposes

"Actually I think that societal rules/ norms can be good things. If most people prefer their family to have one name then someone changing is sensible (double-barelling works form a generation but isn't sustainable down through the lines)."

1. Amazing how these norms always seem to have a negative impact on women though

1. Double barreling works fine for the Spanish so 🤷

But why get married then raspberry? Marriage is a social construct with a set of societal norms (living in the same house, sharing things, going on holiday together, woman changing her name). Why get married if you don't like the baggage that comes with it?

Maiden name was ugly and was taken from an abusive man I hated. Married name is pretty, goes well with first name and was taken from amazing man I love.

It makes me sad that we are trying to fight for so much equality but these basic principles are still the 'norm' I'm not fighting for equality.
I changed my name but it's a pain in the arse because no one can spell it.

@CrunchyNutNC

But why get married then raspberry? Marriage is a social construct with a set of societal norms (living in the same house, sharing things, going on holiday together, woman changing her name). Why get married if you don't like the baggage that comes with it?

It's a legal contract that carries a degree of financial protection. The rest is bells and whistles.

@kangaShade

It’s amazing how many women have awful and horrible surnames that they can’t wait to change, whereas I have never ever heard of a man who did this.

Haha true. I know of a couple of men with awful (and I mean really awful) surnames who have guilted their wives into adopting them. That's the patriarchy for you.

Yep

Amazing how these norms always seem to have a negative impact on women though

But it's not normally a negative impact though, is it. It's a touchy subject because inequality creates negative impacts on women in other ways, but changing a name is not, in itself, a negative.

I don't particularly like my unusual first name either!

"changing a name is not, in itself, a negative."

In your opinion.

OP - I feel exactly the same as you. I get the argument about everyone having the same name but I don't understand why that means the woman has to change. My surname is also quite distinctive so I felt I would be losing a part of my identity.

I would have been very happy for DP to keep his name but he's planning to take mine. His family are struggling to get their heads round that, though. I think they see it as a bit of an affront and seem quite offended I won't be changing mine instead.

It's a legal contract that carries a degree of financial protection

We don't proclaim every other legal contract we have from the roof though. If you don't want to be bound to the norms associated with the societal construct that is 'marriage' why tell everyone? You can get married in a register office to confer the tax and legal rights and it'll take less time than meeting your solicitor to draft your will.

@CrunchyNutNC
Marriage is a lot more than changing your name! It's about loving someone and having a partner to go through life

Automatically changing your name is another step backwards in equality.