To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I can't wait to change my surname to my DP surname. I like mine but no one in this country seems to be able to pronounce it even remotely close to what it is. It will make my life a lot easier. Plus his surname is really nice and will suit my name.

It’s amazing how many women have awful and horrible surnames that they can’t wait to change, whereas I have never ever heard of a man who did this.

I don’t know any men who have replaced their name with their wife’s, but I do know several who have double barrelled.

I kept my own name because it’s mine, has been part of my personal and professional identity my whole life. No one (DH or any family) has ever had a problem with it. DS has both our names, but mine is a middle rather than double barrel because they are both very long (3 syllable) and don’t sound good together. They flowed better that way round. I still slightly regret not double barrelling though!

Also, @StarUtopia - my own mother kept her maiden name for professional reasons and even growing up in socially conservative Ireland it was never ever a problem having a different surname. If I was “judged” I didn’t know and couldn’t care less.

What are the advantages of having the same surname? DH, DC’s and I all have different surnames and it’s never been an issue. We’re still one family but all individuals.

@Oblomov20 I love my dh and I'm proud his my husband. I don't need to change my name for that. Note, you said "Because I was proud of being his wife" - that right there subconscious you feel like you belong to him. How can a marriage ever be truly equal if a woman is just automatically expected to give up her own identity.

It’s amazing how many women have awful and horrible surnames that they can’t wait to change, whereas I have never ever heard of a man who did this.

Haha true. I know of a couple of men with awful (and I mean really awful) surnames who have guilted their wives into adopting them. That's the patriarchy for you.

So the family could have the same name, because I preferred his to mine. Because if you are all going to have the same name you may as well stick with tradition. Why would we pick mine instead? Just to be difficult and make a point?

I changed mine because it's traditional and I was proud to be e.g. Mrs Bob Smith, still am 15 years later. My maiden name was a common one and I have a brother with kids so wasn't worried about the name dying out but if my changing my name meant the name didn't get passed on then I wouldn't have changed it. My husband was totally supportive of whatever I wanted to do.

I changed my surname by deed poll before I got married! I had my first DC and wanted us to have the same family name but most importantly I HATED my surname. I would have changed it before but knew it would crush my DDad. He could understand me changing it for my child.
On the plus I now have a lovely boring very ordinary very common surname and I used to have to constantly spell and pronounce my original one.

I wanted to for a number of reasons. DHs surname was so much nicer than mine and goes better with my given name. Nobody could ever spell my surname.

Also, due to certain family issues I liked the idea of stepping away from being a insert old name and beginning a new phase of my life with a new name.

To those who wonder why people might want to have the same name as their children- mine are adopted and I felt it was important for us all to have the same name as a symbolic thing.

I still use my maiden name for social media- to prevent parents and pupils trying to add me, and DH has a stage name for his job, but as a family, we are Team X.

I didn't but my DH went double barreled. But gradually companies like banks began to change mine to his double barreled version of my name.

For work I'm still me though.

You're right op in asking why a man can't change his name. Dh fully supported me wanting to keep my name but wouldn't change his name (if I had wanted him to that is) and I don't think many men would. Yet a woman is just expected to! If doesn't scream of inequality I don't know what does!

I didn't change. I wanted to do double barrelled but it was so much paperwork in my husband's country that we just couldn't actually be arsed.

Its amazing how many men have really nice surnames and how many women had awful surnames before they changed to their husband's name

Sorb, you've projected. He belongs to me, I belong to him. We are both in this relationship because we want to be.

I've given up nothing. My personality is very strong, very 'ballsy'. If you knew me you'd know I'm no shrinking violet. I've given up nothing.

You are mistaken. And projecting.

I actually wanted a different identity. To me getting married and having the chance to change my surname felt like a new start. I felt like changing my name was part of leaving my old life behind (there was a lot more to it but changing my surname was a significant part). It helped me to mentally break away from being part of a family I didn’t enjoy being part of and belong to a new one. I don’t regret my decision at all.

Its amazing how many men have really nice surnames and how many women had awful surnames before they changed to their husband's name

I assume all the brothers of the women with awful names are also rushing off to change theirs post marriage too? (Or not)

@Shoxfordian and how many women just "chose" to change their name and yet so few men just "choose" to keep theirs. How very strange.

I think it’s okay to want to do either.
I never fantasised about changing my name as a kid but I didn’t fantasise about not doing so either. When the moment was upon me, I realised how much I love my maiden name. My maiden name was influential and as a kid when I struggled I would say “it’s okay, you’ll be fine. You are an S...”. This pep talk always helped me. Growing up, we called ourselves “The Young S...s”
It’s such a big part of who I am and it gives me chutzpah (at least in my head). My kids have my husband’s name which is fine, no question.
I don’t know what his name represents, it doesn’t add to me. It will simply something to be called which it would be a shame given the attachment I have to my name.

I don’t think changing a name is an archaic practice at all. And I certainly wouldn’t recommend it become a battle. My children often ask “are you a (husband’s surname) like us, your name is not like ours?”. I reply I am both of my names, one my birth, the other by marriage.
While we are on the topic, I never know if I’m Miss, Ms or Mrs since I still have my maiden name. What do the others who kept their names use?

Its amazing how many men have really nice surnames and how many women had awful surnames before they changed to their husband's name

Funny this, isn't it 🤔

My first marriage I never changed it and double barrelled my sons surname. Then remarried at 39, had my dd and changed my name. I wanted my second husbands name. It felt right.

I don't care if you don't change your name. Keep your maiden name for professional reasons? Great. I have friends who have. Makes sense to me. Good for you. But don't criticise those of us that do.

And yes my surname was rubbish. I had to always spell it, no one ever pronounced it correctly. I hated it. Couldn't wait to become Mrs Wilson or Roberts / similar.

Also, due to certain family issues I liked the idea of stepping away from being a insert old name and beginning a new phase of my life with a new name.

Yes, I was the same. My maiden name wasn’t objectively horrible at all - in fact it was probably nicer than my married name. But for me changing my name was actually a really liberating act because of my family circumstances.

How does double-barrelling work in the longer term, it's not sustainable?

The offspring of Fiona Smith and Mike Jones are the Smith-Jones.

Delilah Smith-Jones meets Phil White. Do they become the Smith-Jones-Whites? What if both parts of the couple have double-barrelled names?

"But don't criticise those of us that do."

No one's criticizing changing your name. They're criticizing the fact that people pretend it's a totally random choice made in a vacuum and not influenced by society at all.